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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate hosting play dates

23 replies

Oysterbabe · 05/06/2023 12:57

DD loves going on play dates so it's inevitable that I have to return the favour. I hate it so much. Can I let them have sweets? Do I need to limit screen time? Can I tell them off? Etc.
I'm quite socially awkward and the whole thing just really stresses me out.
I have a little boy here right now who is always quite badly behaved, gets told off at school a lot, but DD really likes him and gets invited to his house often. I'm counting the minutes until it's over.

OP posts:

Lkgcsr · 05/06/2023 13:06

I know what you mean about the telling off thing as I struggle when kids do things that I don’t allow but I’ll say gently that we don’t do that or move them on from what they are doing; my DD knows the rules in our house and will tell her friends too.
Everything else I try not to worry too much about

hopeishere · 05/06/2023 13:20

I hated them. Couldn't relax. Only did them if I absolutely had to.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/06/2023 13:24

Fine not to do play dates, but don't send your dd on them if you're not prepared to reciprocate.

I always took the line "my house, my rules". Obviously if the parent told me their child was eg vegetarian then I'd make an appropriate meal, but if a parent told me "no screen time" I'd explain that it was allowed in our house, and if my dc went to play there then they would accept no screens.

Blahblahblaaah · 05/06/2023 13:26

Just ask the parents beforehand "Is there anything I need to be aware of?" If not just crack on and treat them as your own.
If the boy is a proper PITA take them to the park / sofplay / cinema or whatever.

prescribingmum · 05/06/2023 13:39

Like a PP, in our house, our rules apply. I expect my DC to be able to communicate the rules to their friends. If their friends are still not behaving they should come and tell me if they still will not listen. If they do not do this or choose to behave badly too, they will not have further playdates at home with that particular friend. Fortunately I have never had an issue with behaviour on playdates, overexcitement and minor squabbles has been the worst of it. I treat the other child exactly the same way as I treat my own.

If other parents had ridiculous expectations, I would probably say from the outset that it will not work but fortunately I have also not experienced this. Their friends parents seem to be very like-minded.

drpet49 · 05/06/2023 13:42

Eh? It’s not hard. They just go off and play and you keep them fed and watered.

RaceToTheMiddle · 05/06/2023 13:43

How old are they?

JustanothermagicMonday1 · 05/06/2023 13:47

There comes an age when it is usually easier than them being bored alone, like 8 onwards typically. Once they are teens, holidays with another”friend” teen in tow can be far easier…

Popcornlassie28 · 05/06/2023 13:58

Depending on their age I tried to host play dates on neutral ground such a soft play, baby/toddler group, quick drink at a cafe and run around the park etc.

I never used to mind hosting but totally fine if you don’t like to, it’s your home and your private space. I don’t like to anymore as my home was disrespected, TV smashed and toys broken.

The parent was present and said nothing!!! If you do host, put special toys away and be clear on times they are coming to play and have an end time.

Luana1 · 05/06/2023 14:06

Why are you getting involved though - surely if they are old enough for playdates where the parents don't stay, they just entertain themselves, and you can get on with other things? I think most parents who are happy for their child to go on a playdate are fine with the other parent making the call about how much sugar/screen time the kids have during the playdate. I think you are massively overthinking things!

Original poster

Oysterbabe · 05/06/2023 14:15

They're 7. On a previous play date they snuck DD's ipad up to her room, he switched from her kids profile to mine and put on Squid Games, which he had previously watched at his Dad's house where anything goes TVwise. DD came to tell me because she was worried and didn't want to watch it, so luckily that was knocked on the head very quickly.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 05/06/2023 15:18

@EmmaGrundyForPM
"Fine not to do play dates, but don't send your dd on them if you're not prepared to reciprocate."

Don't be daft-it's not about reciprocation! If my kid wanted a friend to tea, it's because he wanted the friend. It wasn't about him being invited back. There are a million reasons why that might not happen- the mother being too anxious being one.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/06/2023 15:54

Everyone hates hosting playdates, but you have to do your turn!

Put away things you don't want them to have (like the iPad) before they arrive. Maybe put out some likely activities if you want to direct things a bit. If I'm having a tricky dc over I sometime prefer to take them to the park to run off some steam rather than spend the whole time at home.

I would generally treat their dc on a level with your own re things like giving sweets. I would keep tellings off pretty light e.g. please don't do x and then supervise closely if I was concerned.

That said, I also don't offer return invites to really badly behaved dc.

Smartiepants79 · 05/06/2023 15:57

Ask about any food restrictions.
It’s a play date so I wouldn’t have them watching tv at all really but it’s fine if you do.
And yes, you can tell them off. I have the same expectations of a visiting child as I would for my own kids. Anything dangerous, unkind or potentially damaging is a big loud NO!

YouJustDoYou · 05/06/2023 15:58

Same but my kid's friends are mostly pretty good, apart from one little 7 year old boy who has now been banned from coming over until he grows up and bit and learns some self control/not to destroy other people's things/not to demand access to everywhere in the house/not to torment the poor cat/not to rifle through all our drawers and belongings/not to try and wrestle everyone all the time.

Doodar · 05/06/2023 16:13

I state the house rules, shoes off, no jumping on furniture, no banging doors.
I say they're here to play not look at screens. when dd had a nightmare friend I'd take them to the park straight after school then back home for a pre prepped tea, was in the house 30 mins before collection time.

RandomMess · 05/06/2023 16:15

Yes you say "the rules here are X and if you'd like to be invited over again you need to stick to them"

If they child is being very difficult call the parent to collect them early.

JauntyJinty · 05/06/2023 16:20

You're making it more complicated than it is!

"Can I let them have sweets? Do I need to limit screen time? Can I tell them off? Etc."

Maybe ask if any dietry requirements (althought I'd expect the parents to tell me withouth having to be asked) the other stuff comes under "my house my rules"

CurlewKate · 05/06/2023 16:24

@Stompythedinosaur "Everyone hates hosting playdates, but you have to do your turn!"

No they don't and no you don't!

neverbeenskiing · 05/06/2023 16:29

Fine not to do play dates, but don't send your dd on them if you're not prepared to reciprocate.

I don't agree with this at all. One of my DD's best friends comes here regularly for playdates and DD has never been invited to her house. I would never see that as a reason to stop inviting her. Her Mum seems lovely, she must have her reasons...maybe to do with her working hours or something, I don't know. I'm not bothered as the playdates are good for my DC.

prescribingmum · 05/06/2023 22:11

Oysterbabe · 05/06/2023 14:15

It is good your DD came to you.

I personally would have told the other parent what part their child played in this so they are aware. Their reaction would have spoken volumes in terms of whether I have them round again - if they didn’t think much of it and seemed to believe it was acceptable, I would not be inviting the child round again

bakewellbride · 05/06/2023 22:13

You're braver than me! If I don't like having a child over I just never have them round again. We stick to the park or if it's really bad e.g hitting your child no more play dates full stop.

LuvSmallDogs · 05/06/2023 22:38

I'd never worry about telling someone else's kid off in my own house - my mum and my childhood bff's mum had an agreement that they could smack each other's kids!

Same with screen time, sweets etc - your house, your rules and if there are allergies etc it's up to the parent to let you know.

DS1's old mate was such a fussy eater her mum used to send her with a Rustler's burger for her tea if I wasn't making something like pizza or "something and chips" (though I wouldn't have made her go hungry).

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