Asking for help

56253tT · 2023-06-05T11:32:10+00:00

My Child fathers has never been in the picture, I don’t get a lot of support or not as much as I need from my family for various reasons. Given that FB lets you find and contact people now, is it wrong to try and contact the fathers family for help? Im not even sure they know about me and my child as it was a casual relationship and then he disappeared once he found out about the pregnancy. I do receive maintenance from him but that’s it, no contact at all, not even texts. I would have thought they’d want to meet their family member but unsure how they will take me reaching out.

Nordicrain · 05/06/2023 12:33

What kind of help are you after?

One thing is reaching out so your child can get to know the other side of the family. Quite another is contacting to ask for e.g. money.

Infusionist · 05/06/2023 12:35

If you want a relationship between them and your child - sure. If you want babysitting/ cash - no.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/06/2023 12:37

I’d contact them if you think you’d like to help your child build a relationship with that side of their family, on the terms of both your child and the relatives. That will be a slow process and will very likely involve more time and effort in your part in the early months / year or so in supporting the building of those relationships and the logistics involved than support given to you. If your intention is more “oh hi, you don’t know me but I was hoping you can be in my child’s life so you can do childcare for me and help out with buying stuff my child needs” then I think you’re more likely to end up disappointed and hurt.

listsandbudgets · 05/06/2023 12:44

Also how much do you know about his family ? A man prepared to abandon his child may have been subjected to an example you may prefer your child not to be exposed to? Don't just assume that they'll want to know and it will all work out. They may just not be very nice people.

I suspect their view may well be that he's paying maintenance and that's where it ends

Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 12:48

listsandbudgets · 05/06/2023 12:44

Also how much do you know about his family ? A man prepared to abandon his child may have been subjected to an example you may prefer your child not to be exposed to? Don't just assume that they'll want to know and it will all work out. They may just not be very nice people.

I suspect their view may well be that he's paying maintenance and that's where it ends

Like I said it was a casual relationship where we’d not see each other for weeks/months at a time. I don’t know anything about his family. I do understand there will be lots of short meets and communication until both sides feel comfortable with everything. I think as a single parents I’m just so tired of going at it alone! And some support would be nice. But yes I understand where you are coming from.

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DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/06/2023 12:51

Are you expecting practical help? I wouldn’t think reaching out specifically so they can help would go well.

You could reach out to them to see if they want to potentially get to know your DC, but be prepared for all/no reactions

Zarataralara · 05/06/2023 12:57

I don’t know anything about his family. I do understand there will be lots of short meets and communication until both sides feel comfortable with everything. I think as a single parents I’m just so tired of going at it alone! And some support would be nice.

I don’t think you can go into this with any expectations. Who says there will be lots of short meetings? And with whom? His family may well ignore you or be quite blunt in a negative way. Or they may be delighted to meet you and your baby.
As he opted out when you were pregnant you did know you were going to be a single parent and maybe support from your family , friends, your health visitor might be more helpful.

IamSmarticus · 05/06/2023 13:01

I do understand there will be lots of short meets and communication until both sides feel comfortable with everything.

That assumes that they even want to meet you when they possibly don't event know of your son's existance. When you say 'both sides' who are you referring to from his side - his mum/dad? Siblings? Grandparents? How old is your son?

Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 13:04

IamSmarticus · 05/06/2023 13:01

I do understand there will be lots of short meets and communication until both sides feel comfortable with everything.

That assumes that they even want to meet you when they possibly don't event know of your son's existance. When you say 'both sides' who are you referring to from his side - his mum/dad? Siblings? Grandparents? How old is your son?

Sorry I was meaning both side as in my child and them both feeling comfortable. Also I should have said my child is now 4 years old. I do understand where everyone is coming from, but I guess I’ll never know unless I try right 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 13:05

His parents. Im unsure of any siblings

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Testina · 05/06/2023 13:05

So you’re letting him off the hook of doing anything other than cash payments for his own child, but think his relatives who had no choice in this child’s existence should help out practically?

Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 13:07

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:05

So you’re letting him off the hook of doing anything other than cash payments for his own child, but think his relatives who had no choice in this child’s existence should help out practically?

When I managed to get hold of him regarding maintenance, I asked what help he was going to give me ect. He said he would and then cut all communication. I can’t force him to be involved and certainly won’t beg. He knows where we are.

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Testina · 05/06/2023 13:08

Are you planning to contact the father first and prepare him for the fact you plan to tell them? As there’s a good chance they don’t know? Part of me thinks screw him, for not being involved, tough luck. But I think if you do want to contact his parents, it might all go more smoothly if you let him deal with the all the bombshell drama and fall out (potentially) and then approach them (or let them come to you) in a few months time.

Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 13:09

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:08

Are you planning to contact the father first and prepare him for the fact you plan to tell them? As there’s a good chance they don’t know? Part of me thinks screw him, for not being involved, tough luck. But I think if you do want to contact his parents, it might all go more smoothly if you let him deal with the all the bombshell drama and fall out (potentially) and then approach them (or let them come to you) in a few months time.

I’ve no way of communicating with him as he cut all communication and assuming blocked me on fb as doesn’t appear.

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pikkumyy77 · 05/06/2023 13:13

It was a casual relationship and you chose unilaterally to have a child? He is not attached and does not want to be a part of this child’s life, avoids you, and presumably wants to have his own life. He might want to have a family with someone he loves, after all.

Has it occurred to you that his family may know and not want to have anything to do with you? That they might prefer to put their energies into the person that he chooses to be in a relationship with?

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:20

I just wouldn’t do this.
I reckon for every 1/10 that goes on to have a great relationship with “PIL”, there are 9/10 that regret letting them into their lives.
My judgement may be clouded - my experience of grandparents (both sides!) is people who want to be included in things and moan when they’re not, but are basically an obligation - they don’t actually give much help back.
Do you want a “grandparent” giving an opinion on your parenting?
I’d let sleeping dogs lie.

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:21

It’s going to be pretty obvious to them too, that you only contacted them because you want help. So they may be unimpressed by that.

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:25

Sorry, I know I’m seeing all the negatives here but I’m sure others will post positives..

But here you have a man who isn’t interested.
What happens when - let’s say MIL - wants more grandchild time than you’re prepared to give? Because she wants it on her terms - times that suit her, not ones that actually help you. Or she just wants more time than you want to give up. MN is full of PILs wanting sleepover and posters not wanting it. So then, to get their way, what if they wade in and push their son into “contact”. How are you going to feel if EOW these “PIL” have you child and the man who didn’t bother with them is now dipping in and out, making no actual effort but getting to be the adored hero of your child?

Like I said - I’d rather let sleeping dogs lie!

Original poster

56253tT · 05/06/2023 13:40

Testina · 05/06/2023 13:21

It’s going to be pretty obvious to them too, that you only contacted them because you want help. So they may be unimpressed by that.

I think I didn’t feel the need to do this sooner as I felt rejected by their son for not wanting to be apart of our lives. Im not interested in that anymore. But I do think it would be nice for my child to know their other bio side too, not just about support

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Original poster

56253tT · 13/06/2023 07:48

I contacted them. They said it was their sons decision if him and them were to have a relationship with us. I haven’t heard anything back yet. I get the feeling they think I trapped their son because he has a high paid job and pays quite a lot in maintenance!

I understand we weren’t in a committed relationship and we did use protection but it failed. I didn’t trap their son; I made the decision alone as he wouldn’t talk about it with me and cut contact.

suppose all I can do is wait and if nothing comes form it, my child knows where they stand when older.

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Valid8me · 13/06/2023 08:11

I contacted them. They said it was their sons decision if him and them were to have a relationship with us. I haven’t heard anything back yet.

I wouldn't hold your breath either, it doesn't look like they want a relationship with you. Tbh, if a woman contacted me to say that she and my son/brother had had a child that was now 4 years old, I wouldn't want contact with them either. Nothing to do with trapping said son/brother, it just wouldn't feel like that child was anything to do with me iyswim, even though biologically we would be related.

Valid8me · 13/06/2023 08:13

Sorry forgot to say that I dont mean that in any nasty way, and I do think that you should tell your son about his biological family even if they currently don't want to know him. Maybe he can contact them himself when he is older and they may feel differently. It is hard