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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend turned out to be totally unreliable

29 replies

Whatdoisaynow · 05/06/2023 00:24

Hired a friend to provide a service for me that she does professionally (health/beauty related!)

It involved upfront payment and I booked all the sessions in advance with her - many sessions over 4 months. My financial situation is very comfortable and she struggles, so I was ok with this. It was a vast amount of money.

It took a month to even get started with a ton of reasons to keep postponing on her side.

She was finally supposed to start today. She reconfirmed about 40 mins before our first session and I was all ready to finally get going.

10 mins before the session, she suddenly cancelled due to family stuff (her uncle’s birthday she’d forgotten about). I know the family stuff is real as I know her cousin and saw pictures from the afternoon, but still.

I’m infuriated.

It’s a total first world problem and it’s nothing essential but it’s been a month since I paid her and I didn’t expect her to be unreliable at all! I always thought she ran a tight ship!

I’d like to say something that lets her know that it’s fine for today but I’m busy and it’s super inconvenient and it’s absolutely not ok for this to keep happening.

I’d also like to suggest she gives me my money back if she thinks deep-down, that she can’t commit, without causing too much friction between us.

How do I say something without ruining our friendship or making future encounters awkward? I’m a paying customer and my time is really precious so it’s driving me mad. I also want to offer her an out, if she’s over committed.

(and of course, lesson learnt about working with friends etc. I just wanted to support her as I know she’s been struggling financially and I was in the market for exactly the service she provides!)

OP posts:
MaudGonneOutForChips · 05/06/2023 00:27

Just say that. You appreciate she had a forgotten family event today, but you need this service asap, can’t keep shifting your schedule, so if she can’t commit to a firm date and time and keep the appointment, you need a refund as you have to go elsewhere.

Jellyx · 05/06/2023 00:30

She's taking advantage of you being a friend. I'm sure she wouldn't do this to a normal client.
I'd message her and ask when she is next available alongside letting her know that if she doesn't have capacity then it's ok to let her know that and you can seek an alternative therapist at this time

Original poster
Whatdoisaynow · 05/06/2023 00:52

Thanks all. We’re scheduled to start again in a couple of days but I’m so frustrated (hence im
still awake stewing on it!).

I keep going to type a stern message suggesting she just give me the money back if she doesn’t have the bandwidth, but I don’t want to be unreasonable.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 05/06/2023 00:58

If she misses the next appointment just tell her it doesn't look like she can fit you in to her schedule so can you have your money back to go somewhere else?
It's not professional of her ti mess you about. If this is how she treats her clients no wonder she's struggling.

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 01:14

I would let her know that my time is as valuable as hers, and as I had paid a vast sum of money for a service, I would expect her to show me the respect I deserve and be bloody reliable or return the money.

Wittsendhasarrived · 05/06/2023 01:26

How annoying OP. I do think this can be the problem when you pay upfront for things from small, independent businesses. She already has the money and has probably already spent it or allocated it off so she can't see it anymore and the incentive to actually provide the service becomes less strong because it feels at this point that she's doing it for free. As she's your friend, she possibly even feels she's doing it as a favour subconsciously because she's not looking forward to receiving the money. It's absolutely unacceptable of course and taking complete advantage of you and a very poor way to conduct her business, but I have had similar encounters myself (husband bought me a paid in full tattoo voucher for my birthday which the artist, who I knew quite well, cancelled no less than 4 times. That'd never happened when I paid on the day with her previously).
As others have said, you can word it very nicely but clearly, 'if you're too busy to fit me in I understand, please just pay me the money back and I'll find someone else'. I'm sure suddenly she'll have fewer issues suddenly then.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/06/2023 01:47

Her uncle's birthday? That is the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 05/06/2023 02:16

"I'm concerned that you've overcommitted for x treatment which needs a solid amount of committed time over the next 4 months. If that is the case it would be better for me if you refund the amount I've paid and we can arrange other services on an as needed basis. Please let me know which of these 2 options you'd prefer: committing to our booked appointments or to refund and I book in and pay an ad hoc basis".

Pepperama · 05/06/2023 02:57

‘Friend, I am fed up with you not prioritising our appointments and this can’t happen again. Despite our friendship this is a paid service and I’m a busy woman, so I am expecting you to treat me as a paying customer. If any other therapist cancelled at such short notice you would take your business elsewhere. So let’s forget about this instance but if you feel you can’t commit to the sessions going forward, just say so and refund me so I can get the treatment elsewhere. Otherwise very happy to proceed and looking forward to our session tomorrow

Fraaahnces · 05/06/2023 03:03

Actually, I hope you have a receipt. I would drop in a “Do I have to take you to the small claims court to be taken seriously? This is how friendships are ruined. You commit now or return the money. Have some respect and behave professionally. You’re taking the piss.”

JennyJenny8675309 · 05/06/2023 03:23

I wouldn’t threaten her - yet. Try to put the pressure on in a friendly way before resorting to that.

Retsof · 05/06/2023 03:29

"I'm really happy for you that you your business seems to be thriving with how busy you are, and I know that life gets hectic sometimes - but I was really hoping to have started my treatments by now. Can we either set the dates in stone for the treatments or can you send me a refund ASAP. I want to support you; but I also want these treatments so if you can't commit I'll need to look elsewhere."

Hairday · 05/06/2023 03:31

It depends. Is the vast amount of money the same as she charges normally, or less? My friend charges friends a lot less (just for materials, nothing for her labour) but says the friends are often more stroppy than her full paying clients. They don't realise how generous she is being.

Oblomov23 · 05/06/2023 05:22

That would seriously piss me off. But then I probably wouldn't be friends with someone so flakey.

Iouisa · 05/06/2023 06:52

I'd send a nice enough message saying hey don't worry about this treatment I've got a lot going on too, if you wouldn't mind just sending my money back please. What a flakey friend.

Original poster
Whatdoisaynow · 05/06/2023 07:10

This is what I did. I said it seemed an imposition on her time and that she should speak up if she wants to rethink.

She assured me it won’t happen again….

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 05/06/2023 07:18

She's taking the piss, if you've paid the market rate. There's no way a self employed person would put a party for a distant family member over a new client normally.

Clymene · 05/06/2023 07:21

She cancelled 10 mins before? That's really unprofessional. I'd be tempted to ask for a refund and go elsewhere

Bunbuns3 · 05/06/2023 07:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/06/2023 01:47

Her uncle's birthday? That is the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard.

My friend missed my daughter's baptism with an hour to go because her nephew needed to get drunk and he had no child care. It is amazing what people find acceptable.

Isthisexpected · 05/06/2023 08:17

Whatdoisaynow · 05/06/2023 07:10

This is what I did. I said it seemed an imposition on her time and that she should speak up if she wants to rethink.

She assured me it won’t happen again….

Then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now. You'll soon know and then if it happens again I'd ask for a refund immediately, and say I'd found someone else who can get started tomorrow so I need the refund today.

Original poster
Whatdoisaynow · 12/06/2023 01:52

Well, we had two sessions and she cancelled the third at the last minute.

She’s now had my money for over a month and we’ve had 2 sessions (we should’ve had 12 by now), if we’d started when I wanted to.

I haven’t even responded to her cancellation message. I couldn’t find the words.

She’s such a nice person and we got along brilliantly so it’s so hard to know how to confront her.

We both play the same sport too and we’re supposed to be in the same tournaments over the next few months so there’s no avoiding her, if I do kick up a fuss.

OP posts:
Emptycrackedcup · 12/06/2023 02:54

I think you need to say what you need in what time (highlighting that you expected 12 by now), and say of she can't commit then she can refunded the remainder of the money and you'll go elsewhere. She's just taking advantage and hoping you'll let her (or genuinely thinks you don't care)

Sothisisitthen · 12/06/2023 04:46

Put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

Hi friend, we should be 12 sessions in by now, not 2. I want to support you but you are being very unfair to me and not treating me as the paying customer that I am. I need you to refund me the remainder and I’ll go elsewhere as this will continue to be awkward otherwise and I value our friendship too much to let things go sour.

WildFlowerBees · 12/06/2023 05:32

I think I'd let her know that when you booked with her you'd hoped you'd be 12 sessions in by now and you're disappointed it's been 3 and many cancellations. I'd tell her you feel let down that you don't want it to come between you so refund the difference and you'll find someone else. If you're not bothered about the friendship I'd not be so polite.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/06/2023 05:38

Her uncle’s birthday?

I don’t think I have ever been to any of my uncle’s birthdays. What a ridiculous excuse. She is taking you for a mug.