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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday without kids

19 replies

Mummyfifi2 · 04/06/2023 21:51

I’m 35 and After being in a controlling abusive relationship for 13 years n single for 5 years I’m in a new relationship of 6 months with a great guy who wants to treat me to a week abroad however my mum who I live with has refused to have my 2 children who are 17 and 12 (my kids still haven’t meet my new bf) my kids are more than happy for me to go as long as they get a present 😂 I feel like my mum doesn’t want to see me happy and makes me feel guilty for having me time after putting my wider family first and putting my life on hold in certain situations for all these years am I expecting to much or is she being unreasonable

OP posts:

CymruChris · 04/06/2023 21:58

I don't blame you for wanting to go on holiday and your kids are old enough to cope without you for a week. However it isn't your mums responsibility to have then and she's not obliged to. You're not asking too much but equally she is entitled to say no.
So in that respect neither of you are being unreasonable.
Gutting for you though...what are her reasons for saying no? Have you discussed it? At 17 and 12 (and living with her anyway) they must be fairly self sufficient?

Dacadactyl · 04/06/2023 21:59

I feel that your mum is already supporting you by putting you up in her home tbh. That being said, I can see why you're annoyed but at the end of the day I don't suppose she thought you'd still be at home (with 2 kids) at 35. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to see if from her POV.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 22:07

I feel like my mum doesn’t want to see me happy

That’s a massive overreaction and sounds pretty unfair. Not least because she’s already letting you live and your two kids live with her. She doesn’t want to have your kids on her own, that’s fair enough.

Snowpaw · 04/06/2023 22:16

I think its fair enough of your Mum to say that actually.

My own Mum looks after my DD one day a week so I can save on fees, and because of that I am very careful to never ask her for additional childcare because she has done me a real good deed by offering her care for one day a week, and she has her own life and commitments. She likes her down-time. She has supported me a great deal in various ways over the years, and I am so thankful for that. I pay a babysitter if I need additional care.

Sole care of two children for a week is a big ask.

cestlavielife · 04/06/2023 22:20

You ve known him only six months
Start by arranging a one night away and asking your mum.

A week is too much
Or why not ask a friend to take the 12 year old for the week ? Would that be a lot to ask? Probably yes. So why assume your mum should .
Thex17 yr old presumably can look after themselves?

Original poster

Mummyfifi2 · 04/06/2023 22:36

My mum isn’t putting me and my children up it is actually my house it works for us to live together as we are generally close and cheaper for both of us. My children aint young and don’t need much looking after and I’ve never asked her to babysit in the 17years I’ve been a mother and I even offered to pay her for the 5 days that I would be gone out wider family sisters/aunty have said that they will help and I should go but can’t without my mum’s support

OP posts:

everybodytidy · 04/06/2023 22:48

Can you wider family- sisters/aunty help?

TheChosenTwo · 04/06/2023 22:57

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable, you’re allowed to ask her and she’s allowed to say no.
Not sure if she has reservations about the responsibility or about your new relationship.
tricky one. Do you have a friend who might be able to come and stay?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 23:00

Who’s with them when you’re seeing your boyfriend if you’ve never asked her to babysit?

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2023 23:05

The 17 year old doesn't need a minder unless they are vulnerable in some way. Can't you leave a week's worth of clothes for the 12 year old, enough food and work out a plan between the 17 year old and your supportive relatives? If your Mother is being unfairly restrictive then it's time to stop house sharing. Unless she can see red flags you aren't picking up on?

UsingChangeofName · 04/06/2023 23:23

I don't think any of us can say who is BU or not.

Obviously you are the only one who really knows and - as is often said - 'love is blind', so objectively, no-one on this thread has any idea

how either relaxed or challenging your dc are
how fit and well your Mum is
what your Mum's diary is like
what your new partner is like (as in if your Mum sees something about them that she doesn't like / doesn't feel is healthy about the relationship).

HoIIy · 04/06/2023 23:26

What reason has she given? Why can't you go without your mums support?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2023 23:39

I’m a bit confused about how much “having” there’s going to be with those ages?

17 yo is presumably pretty self sufficient, and if it were just them you wouldn’t have to ask your Mum at all.

Re the 12 yo, yes they need parenting but a lot of it is just:

talking about issues etc which can be done over the phone or put on ice til you get home
Food - presumably your Mum has to eat any way, as does the 17 yo, so whoever cooks each day can just make a bit more
Clean clothes - they can be taught to use the washing machine before you go

So I can’t really see it’s a big ask.

If one of your siblings/ friends is willing to pop in and help, then surely your Mum’s main role would just be company for them?

whiteroseredrose · 05/06/2023 05:48

I've just reread your OP and wonder if your mum might be worried about you.

You have chosen badly in the past with respect to men, and now want to go away for a week with someone you barely know. Six months really isn't a long time and your family don't know him.

You are an adult and can make your own decisions but of course there are consequences for your family.

My DM was in a similar situation to you. She and I lived with my grandparents from when I was 4 and she started dating when I was about 10 and she was 31. She had known one of her boyfriends for a long time, over a year, before my grandparents babysat me overnight and never for more than that.

PerryMenno · 05/06/2023 05:54

Instead of stomping your feet and trying to guilt her into it, could you try to get to the bottom of her concerns and see if there's a compromise to be reached? Obviously you can't foist your children on an unwilling person so it's in your interests to try to be the reasonable one and work on a solution.

Ragwort · 05/06/2023 06:01

Perhaps your DM is concerned for you? Six months isn't really that long to know someone, maybe she is worried that you might not be a good judge of character after your previous relationship? Has she met your boyfriend?
Do you go on holiday with your DC? Could she be thinking you are prioritising a romance over your family?
I am not saying she's right or wrong .. but maybe those are her thoughts?

rookiemere · 05/06/2023 06:14

A week is a long time to ask for. Maybe she might do a long weekend instead.

Babsexxx · 05/06/2023 07:00

Your mums not being fair these ages require little to zero parenting really! And she lives in your house well looks like she hasn’t ruined anything for you anyway as wider family have stepped in, in 17 years your mums lived in YOUR house and not helped with any aspect of childcare? and I should imagine there where times when you could of done with it when they where much younger and more dependent! What a shrewd I’d go and enjoy it!

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/06/2023 07:06

I would ask your mum what this is really about..as pp have said it's not really about a babysitter at this point..the 17 year old can look out for the 12 yo and ultimately of they happy for you to go, you don't need your mum's permission. If however, she's worried about your judgement that's a conversation to be had..and I agree maybe start with a long weekend rather than a week.

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