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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly parents still playing favourites

22 replies

frecklesdotty · 04/06/2023 16:28

My parents are getting on in years and struggling health-wise. They moved to the country a few years ago, a couple of hours away from me and my siblings.

They've been talking about wanting to live closer to us all now they are declining in health, but have decided it's too expensive for them to return.

I've found out that they have asked my two siblings to move where they are, to help them out. My siblings both have children, my brother has three in secondary school and my sister has 2, one in primary, one secondary, so that would mean moving schools. Both of them have said they don't want to, and probably can't afford it.

Then they asked me what I had said when my parents asked... and my parents haven't asked me or even mentioned it to me at all. I live with my wife, no children, so on paper, asking me would be more logical. There is some backstory, with me being treated quite badly compared to my siblings growing up, which they both acknowledge, even if my parents won't. Plus, my mum in particular found it hard to accept that I married a woman.

This has made me feel all in a quandary. I'm upset that they haven't even asked, and feel ridiculous for feeling upset. I'm relieved that I haven't had to reject them. But most of all, I feel some kind of guilty compulsion to offer to move and help them, even though it feels like my parents wouldn't want that anyway.

Should I bring it up with them? Ignore it and pretend I don't know? Leave them to struggle or offer help?

Thanks for reading, not even sure what answers to expect, but it's helped to write it out.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 04/06/2023 16:33

People become more like their foibles as the get older, not less. If you've been the undervalued child growing up, they will continue this. It's not your fault, it's theirs. I'm sorry they played favourites then and are still doing so.

I'd take not being asked to move as a win - you didn't have to have the awkward conversation turning them down. Don't bring it up, don't offer, leave them to it and live your best life with your wife.

They don't deserve your concern.

Floppyelf · 04/06/2023 16:35

JulieHoney · 04/06/2023 16:33

People become more like their foibles as the get older, not less. If you've been the undervalued child growing up, they will continue this. It's not your fault, it's theirs. I'm sorry they played favourites then and are still doing so.

I'd take not being asked to move as a win - you didn't have to have the awkward conversation turning them down. Don't bring it up, don't offer, leave them to it and live your best life with your wife.

They don't deserve your concern.

This a million times

“ They don't deserve your concern.”

thesandwich · 04/06/2023 16:37

Excellent advice so far.

Everydayimhuffling · 04/06/2023 16:39

The positive read would be that they asked and were refused twice, and that made them realise it was an unreasonable request. You could choose that interpretation for yourself.

Don't bring it up: you don't want to be obligated to move, and a PP is right that they don't deserve your concern.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/06/2023 16:41

Ignore it. You wouldn’t have a nice time looking after people who didn’t look after you ( and your poor wife….)

littleripper · 04/06/2023 16:42

I'd be very glad! Be careful what you wish for

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 04/06/2023 16:48

Don't get involved.
💐

Ginola2345 · 04/06/2023 16:51

JulieHoney · 04/06/2023 16:33

People become more like their foibles as the get older, not less. If you've been the undervalued child growing up, they will continue this. It's not your fault, it's theirs. I'm sorry they played favourites then and are still doing so.

I'd take not being asked to move as a win - you didn't have to have the awkward conversation turning them down. Don't bring it up, don't offer, leave them to it and live your best life with your wife.

They don't deserve your concern.

This ^ exactly.

I was daughter No.1 briefly ferrying my parents to hospital appointments, applying for Carers and Attendance Allowance (for them to receive-financial benefit to help them out financially). Both my siblings and parents were suspicious about this and made nasty judgemental comments to the effect that I would be getting the money etc.

Now I have been relegated to a backseat role with my sister assuming my old role. I think my mother is likely to have made the will purely in her favour but they can all just get on with it. I have distanced myself a bit and feel happier but nothing I did and however I put myself out nothing was ever good enough for my mum especially since my dad died.

Do not feel guilt tripped into moving or offering to move.

Original poster
frecklesdotty · 04/06/2023 16:52

Thank you everyone for your reasonable responses! And yes, importantly, I wouldn't want to subject my lovely wife to moving.

I'm not sure where this upset and guilt is coming from. I thought I had found some peace in my relationship with my parents, but maybe it's all still there.

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 16:53

See there are bonuses for not being The Golden Child...

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2023 16:57

"This has made me feel all in a quandary. I'm upset that they haven't even asked, and feel ridiculous for feeling upset. I'm relieved that I haven't had to reject them. But most of all, I feel some kind of guilty compulsion to offer to move and help them, even though it feels like my parents wouldn't want that anyway."

For the love of all you hold dear, do NOT offer yourself (and your wife!) as a sacrifice!

Try and pick apart why you feel this compulsion. I'd say it's because you were the Scapegoat child of the family, and you're still that little girl inside, wanting your parents' love and approval. Your upset is natural, because it has demonstrated to you again your place in their eyes. Your feeling that it's ridiculous to be upset is your logical side talking, because in reality you've dodged a bullet.

It's worth noting that parents who create Scapegoats and Golden Children are usually narcissists, which would chime with them expecting their (?Golden?) children to put all their responsibilities to one side just to move to the back of beyond country to take care of them, rather than them move back closer to their children. And as narcissists, you will never get that their love and approvalSad, because they only really love themselves.

billy1966 · 04/06/2023 17:00

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2023 16:57

"This has made me feel all in a quandary. I'm upset that they haven't even asked, and feel ridiculous for feeling upset. I'm relieved that I haven't had to reject them. But most of all, I feel some kind of guilty compulsion to offer to move and help them, even though it feels like my parents wouldn't want that anyway."

For the love of all you hold dear, do NOT offer yourself (and your wife!) as a sacrifice!

Try and pick apart why you feel this compulsion. I'd say it's because you were the Scapegoat child of the family, and you're still that little girl inside, wanting your parents' love and approval. Your upset is natural, because it has demonstrated to you again your place in their eyes. Your feeling that it's ridiculous to be upset is your logical side talking, because in reality you've dodged a bullet.

It's worth noting that parents who create Scapegoats and Golden Children are usually narcissists, which would chime with them expecting their (?Golden?) children to put all their responsibilities to one side just to move to the back of beyond country to take care of them, rather than them move back closer to their children. And as narcissists, you will never get that their love and approvalSad, because they only really love themselves.

Wise post.

Live your life, get counselling, and be glad that you don't have to look after these people.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/06/2023 17:00

ignore and just he grateful they haven’t asked

Thebigblueballoon · 04/06/2023 17:06

Sorry to read this OP. I can very much empathise, as the black sheep/scapegoat child of my own family. Please remember that you do not owe them anything. They’ve obviously always played favourites, and that isn’t going to change. And it is extra harsh that they’ve picked two golden children out of three!
Favouritism aside, could they have asked both of siblings because they want to be close to the grandchildren? I suspect this played a part in their selection…

Flossflower · 04/06/2023 17:18

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 16:53

See there are bonuses for not being The Golden Child...

I completely agree. I wasn’t the golden child and don’t in anyway feel responsibility now help is needed.

AssertiveGertrude · 04/06/2023 17:21

a blessing in disguise op

a blessing - enjoy your own life with your wife and away from your judgmental parents

cptartapp · 04/06/2023 17:22

Dodged a bullet there.
Imagine asking your DC to uproot their families to go and help them out as they become older. Indefinitely. That isn't a life any decent parent would want for their offspring with their whole lives ahead of them. That's what any savings are for.
Disgusting.

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 04/06/2023 17:36

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 04/06/2023 16:53

See there are bonuses for not being The Golden Child...

Lol, I'm the black sheep yet first called on for everything. Golden child is heaped full of praise for giving up half of one hour in six months to visit our parents. Me? Every week and then some and it still isn't enough.
Gah.

OP don't move, don't get sucked in. Enjoy your life with your lovely wife.

rookiemere · 04/06/2023 18:08

Surely if they want help, they should be the ones to move, not expect their DCs who have jobs and commitments to do it.
They sound awful OP, be glad you weren't asked.

laceydoily · 04/06/2023 18:14

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2023 16:57

"This has made me feel all in a quandary. I'm upset that they haven't even asked, and feel ridiculous for feeling upset. I'm relieved that I haven't had to reject them. But most of all, I feel some kind of guilty compulsion to offer to move and help them, even though it feels like my parents wouldn't want that anyway."

For the love of all you hold dear, do NOT offer yourself (and your wife!) as a sacrifice!

Try and pick apart why you feel this compulsion. I'd say it's because you were the Scapegoat child of the family, and you're still that little girl inside, wanting your parents' love and approval. Your upset is natural, because it has demonstrated to you again your place in their eyes. Your feeling that it's ridiculous to be upset is your logical side talking, because in reality you've dodged a bullet.

It's worth noting that parents who create Scapegoats and Golden Children are usually narcissists, which would chime with them expecting their (?Golden?) children to put all their responsibilities to one side just to move to the back of beyond country to take care of them, rather than them move back closer to their children. And as narcissists, you will never get that their love and approvalSad, because they only really love themselves.

Absolutely all of this x a million.

I'm shocked they just expected their kids to uproot their families and move to the arse end of nowhere just to look after them! This plus the horrible way they treated you just reeks of narcism.

shellyleppard · 04/06/2023 19:24

I'm sorry your parents have treated you this way. They get worse as they get older....not better unfortunately. I hope your parents have a contingency plan for later in life. Good luck, it sounds like you are better off out of it x

CarolMorgan · 18/12/2023 19:26

I’m also the black sheep, and I’m not even gay!

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