Needy mum

[mrspepperpotthree]

I'm very close to my mum and I love her but my sister finds her annoying (she has anxiety and is quite annoying tbf). She spends my two days off with me and my daughter each week which can be a bit much but she adores her so I do it.
But when my daughter goes to school she keeps dropping hints about us having a girls day one of my days off. I'll be changing my working hours so I'll have to work for part of both my days off, as well as walk the dog, fit in all the housework, washing, cooking etc during school hours as hubby is a teacher and works long hours during term time.
I also kind of want to go to an exercise class or do something else for myself having had four years of zero me time. AIBU to say no thanks, I'm busy.
My sister gets frustrated with her as she's retired and has no commitments at all whereas we both have jobs kids and dogs so don't have the spare time she does.
She also doesn't want to spend all her spare time with my step dad which I get, but rarely has my daughter of a weekend so my husband and I also never get any free time, it always has to be when I'm there so we pay £70 for nursery every few months to get a rare day together. She's also very ocd about housework and will obsess about my house when she comes over under the guise of helping but which makes me feel inadequate and a bit ocd myself, I have told her about this but she still doesn't seem to get it!

Whilst it's good to support your mother you can't make a problem shared a problem doubled. Your loyalty is to yourself and your own family. You really need to start managing her expectations now.
Whilst I'm generally a supporter of tough love and home truths, sometimes white lies are needed. In my previous job I stayed quite vague about my shift pattern, often answering "Not sure what I'm working yet, so I'll say no".
I also think it might be an idea to offer an evening visit. As her main focus seems to be time with you rather than GC, could you invite her for tea once a week...she'll get to see GC and bedtime routine then an hour with you. If she says no coz she doesn't want to be out late or she'll miss her programmes (heard that one before) then she's made her priorities clear.

Good idea I may say I'm working part of both days.
I think the prob is my step dad has lots of interests she doesn't (war films, fixing cars etc) so she's used helping me out with my daughter as a reason to get out of the house for two days a week for years

I feel awfully mean tho. Maybe I'll say to collect dd one of my days off with me and stay for tea.. but then for some reason she's never allowed to stay for tea as my step dad has done her tea

I think the problem here sounds like it’s more your husband than your mother.

Why do you have to do all these chores and all the housework? Perhaps if he assisted you more with it you’d have the energy to enjoy doing more things for yourself and spending quality time with your mother.

@Schooldinners1
Ha, it's absolutely not. And where did I say this. He'd be more than happy to do half of everything and currently does. I want to get more done on my days off so we have more quality time together eves and weekends. If that's ok with you. Let's not turn this into a man bashing thread yes

I would feel guilty if she had been providing free childcare but she hasn't. She's using you for company because she's bored and too lazy to find a hobby in retirement. I would definitely be taking this as an opportunity to have some time for yourself. You've given her more than enough of your time.

I find this really sad and the tone of it is a bit unkind. I’m shocked at this post and some of the comments, not trying to be unsympathetic but can’t imagine ever writing this about my mum. My mum is my world and I would love to spend more of my free time with her. She put a lot into making our childhood the best it could possibly be, the least I can do in return is want to spend time with her as an adult. I would be so hurt if I read any of my children talk about me like this

@Curseofthenation
She has frequently said she shouldn't have given up work but my step dad talked her into it.
My hubby and I would love to work out together in the eve etc rather than having a list of stuff to do so I'd just rather get it out the way on or of my days off

@CheesePls
I do spend two days every week with her. She's come on every single family holiday we have had since my daughter was born.
You are lucky your mum spent every minute making your childhood amazing. Mine was ruined by her anxiety and ocd

She's a grown adult that made a decision to leave her job. It's not your job to babysit her on your day off because she's bored. She needs to pull her finger out and make some friends or get a part-time job.

Also, your DH sounds like a bloody saint for putting up with his MIL tagging along on every holiday. Sweet Jesus.

My mum isn’t quite as full in as yours op but definitely along those lines - we also had difficult childhoods because of her issues / stress - so I think she is trying to make up for it now. But she struggles to do it in a way that isn’t exactly how she wants because of her control issues.

Oh this is such a hard situation OP and I do not blame you for wanting some time to yourself. It is hard juggling all aspects of your life but you do need to prioritise some self care / alone time or you’re going to end up feeling drained.
I’m sorry to hear your mum has anxiety and OCD and of course you love your mum and should fit in time to see her but you also have your own family now. At the end of the day your mum needs to find a hobby and maybe try and join a group. My mum has anxiety but goes to coffee afternoons at local churches or halls which are good to meet people.
I would just tell her you are joining a class etc and be honest and say you won’t be as free but will still make time for her x

Also maybe go on a holiday / trip away with just you, DH and your daughter. Remember you have your own family now x

@Curseofthenation
Ha yes he is and he also does a lot more housework to combat the effects of her ocd on me, in that I expect the house to be prefect too

She's come on every single family holiday we have had since my daughter was born.
plus two days every week??
Your DH must be a saint!!
Why is she coming in every holiday?
You have a voice, tell her mum we need space as a family.
She needs hobbies or a volunteer role, sounds like she doesn't like her own DH.

Oh god it sounds awful having someone, whose unhelpful and adds stress, spend two whole days a week with you. Doesn’t it Impact on doing what you want to do?
is she there the whole day?!

Personally I’d start saying no a bit more.

My parents are similar, but my conclusion is that it isn’t my responsibility to entertain them. They need to find their own ways to add value to their lives. It’s not my responsibility.

Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. It never stops, and it will escalate.

If she regrets stopping working and wants to get a job, could you help her? It's none of your stepdad's business whether she works or not; how and why did he 'talk her into' giving it up?

Gently OP, I don't think you are helping your Mum in some ways.

It's total madness that you/your husband haven't had a holiday without her since your child was born; you've allowed the boundaries to be stretched and now it's hard for you to enforce any.

You recognise her behaviour isn't helping your OCD tendencies- what happens when your daughter starts feeling anxious because things aren't 'just right' in the house?

Your Mum is looking for you to fill her life and not making an effort to make any changes herself.

Kids are like sponges and they learn how to have healthy relationships from the people around them. I think perhaps you could have a think about how your Mum impacts your life and yes, your husbands life! I'm not saying do anything dramatic but now is the time to put in a few gentle boundaries.

I would worry that before long you'll end up like the poor OP with the controlling mum who phoned the police.
You'll have to start cutting some strings I think 💐