To want more consistency

[MaxwellCat]

Ex sees our children as and when he feels like it, there are no set days and he won’t stick to any. I’ve tried for years to get him to be consistent but he won’t. He last saw the children one month ago for a few hours (he doesn’t do overnights) this half term he promised to take the kids to the cinema. He said “maybe” Thursday, Thursday he was a no show but he said “maybe” so I didn’t hold him to it. Then he said he was definitely 100% coming down on Friday to take them and then cancelled saying he would take them Saturday instead. He never gives a reason for canceling but since he cancelled at 3am I can take a guess 🙄 Saturday we had plans so we weren’t going to cancel them on the off chance he actually shows up. I don’t know when he nexts plans to see them now but he has had the whole half term and couldn’t even stick to a day. I don’t want the children being messed around and being picked up and dropped when he feels like it. As he didn’t see them this half term next weekend will be 5 weeks since they last saw him that’s if he actually bothers. How can I get him to understand he needs to be more consistent and that this isn’t fair on the children? (Bit of context is we both live in the same city and he doesn’t work so there really is no excuse)

Tell him "the only day I can do this week is ....".

Don't be too available for him!

He sounds like he’s taking advantage, I’d also say what PP mentioned

I don’t know if you can. He’s putting you and your kids in a difficult position with this behaviour. But he seems like a loser who can’t / won’t up his game.

The only thing I can think to recommend is that you don’t keep the kids abreast of all these changes of plan. Maybe only tell them that their Dad is coming, on the day, when you know he will absolutely be there. That way you can shield them from some of the rejection.

Can’t do that unfortunately my kids are preteens so have their own phones and he is making direct plans with them

Stop that your the adult all plans should go through you not them that's a terrible responsibility to put on them

Hell my teenager doesn't make plans with his dad his dad doesn't even have his phone number (really long story) if he wanted to talk to his dad he uses my phone

He’s a preteen I shouldn’t let him speak to his father on the phone? I know if I blocked him I will get the blame and ex will say I’m not letting him contact the children?

You could tell him how it makes them feel & hope that makes a difference but there’s no way you can force him to be more consistent. You could suggest a contact order but he’d have to agree to it obviously but doubt he’d want to commit to that. Just don’t make your kids unavailable to him, that’s spiteful & hurts nobody except the children.

We weren’t going to be waiting in for him we had plans and after 2 let downs I wasn’t allowing a 3rd and in all honesty what would it be teaching the children to just sit about waiting for someone to bother with you.

I didn’t mean in that instance obviously you couldn’t sit around waiting I just meant in general. I think it’s a good thing that they have direct contact with their Dad as it means you don’t have to make excuses for him when he lets them down. Can you speak to him directly (on the phone or ftf rather than by text/email) about his behaviour?

The thing is any time I’ve tried to speak about it to him he sees it as an attack and it ends in an argument I really done know how to explain it to him without him jumping to an argument. He doesn’t think it matters when he sees them.

He knows you’re right that’s why he’s defensive. Could you encourage your DC to tell him how it makes them feel? I don’t mean tell them they have to. Does he have a gf now could that be why he’s inconsistent?

Possibly but I don’t know anything about his life at all neither do the children he only comes down here to see them takes them out for a couple of hours then brings them home, they don’t go to his house or his area so know nothing about his life.

That’s such a shame for the children, I couldn’t imagine how that makes them feel. Could you just tell him (rather than getting into a discussion) that he’s letting them down & it needs to be consistent? He absolutely knows his behaviour is unacceptable. Other than getting kids to tell him themselves it’s unlikely it will change & if you make them deliberately unavailable then it’s likely he won’t bother at all

Appreciating that formalising contact plans is not an easy thing to do and fraught with stress, but that may be the best option.

Next time he suggests a date, reply to say that the dc will be available on that day but not on any other day if he cancels.

I feel that the dc should not be involved in making any of these arrangements but since they already have phones to do so, I don't think you can stop it.

When he contacts them with an arrangement send him the message yourself or ask them to - great, they'd love to see you, they're really excited, we've cleared the schedule, but please don't reschedule as we are busy every day for the following week.

You need to push back a bit. He knows it bothers you and doesn't care, maybe even enjoys it.

Yes this is perfect thanks. I will do that in future when he tries to arrange to see them again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he enjoys it it means I can never make any plans as he is too inconsistent.