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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should accept help with house deposit?

26 replies

quintill · 04/06/2023 09:37

So DP and I (long term) are currently renting together. We rent a lovely little flat so that we can save for a deposit.

DP’s parents had good jobs and are both retired (in their 70s). They both inherited large sums of money, and they bought a house in a boom area for property prices. They own several properties. They are very keen to get us out of renting and purchasing a flat/house together. DP is an only child. My parents don’t have any spare cash.

DP refuses any financial help from his parents and says if they managed to buy then he should be able to. But times have changed, and they freely admit that they only managed to buy as they inherited money. A flat deposit would genuinely be less than 1-2% of their total wealth.

AIBU to think we should accept their help for a house deposit? I’m absolutely fine to agree to pay them back in future if they want. I’m of course ready to be told that I’m ‘grabby’, but I just think if we have the chance to avoid wasting £10k a year on rent, then we should take it.

OP posts:
Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 09:41

I’m not near 70 but in the 90’s a single person could buy a property x3 salary in £13K a year I brought a £34K property and had money to improve it.

So times have massively changed - intimately I would assume the money will be his eventually so he’s just taking early inheritance.

I would speak to him about a repayment option on what you save in rent.

CheesePls · 04/06/2023 09:42

Absolutely should accept, bonkers not to

Itsanotherhreatday · 04/06/2023 09:42

Also my house made £20K in 4 years sold for £55K in hindsight I could’ve purchased a second property and rented it out - a lot of people were doing so!!

Take the cash

RudsyFarmer · 04/06/2023 09:42

To be honest if I were offering this money as a parent I would want it ring fenced in event of you both breaking up. So make sure if you push for your DP accepting it you understand it may come with strings.

Readingisgoodforyou · 04/06/2023 09:44

I think your DP is crazy! Take all the help you can get!!

Toooldtoworry · 04/06/2023 09:46

Financial adviser here. I'd suggest accepting the help on the proviso that you buy the property as tenants in common and a deed of trust is drawn up to protect your partners deposit. That shows that you are committed to making sure his family money is protected.

I bought my first place in 1999 and it cost 3.5 x my annual salary. In 2020 I bought my last property and it was 10 x my annual salary, so definitely more difficult these days.

Octonaut4Life · 04/06/2023 09:46

If you're not married is he worried about the complexities of whether you'd have access to the money if you two split? Maybe talk about signing a deed of trust to ring fence the deposit money to him in the event that you sell the house. But yes definitely take the money!

Parisj · 04/06/2023 09:47

Yan actually bu but you are asking him to go against something that is a strong value for him. Values he learned from his parents. Upholding values supersedes logic. Keep exploring. If he had\has children what would he want them to do?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/06/2023 09:50

If your in-laws give the money to your DH now and survive the date of the gift by 7 years I think he would avoid having to pay inheritance tax on it. That was how it was back in the 90's. It would be worth checking if that still applies now.

FirstFallopians · 04/06/2023 09:54

Is he quite stupid?

I mean surely it doesn’t take exactly Martin Lewis to realise that the economic landscape has changed significantly since his parents were first time buyers?

It’s admirable that he wants be self sufficient, but there gets to a point where pride becomes a flaw instead of an attribute, and he has reached that point if it means you’re stuck renting while his parents are ready and willing to help.

Toooldtoworry · 04/06/2023 09:55

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/06/2023 09:50

If your in-laws give the money to your DH now and survive the date of the gift by 7 years I think he would avoid having to pay inheritance tax on it. That was how it was back in the 90's. It would be worth checking if that still applies now.

This is correct, or he can get something called gift intervivos insurance on his parents if they are insurable.

Testina · 04/06/2023 09:58

I would be really annoyed if my children wouldn’t accept money from me in those circumstances!

LittleOwl153 · 04/06/2023 10:03

Have you asked WHY he doesn't want to accept. It might be financial pride... there might be alot more going on with expected strings attached to the money etc. As its his parents offering I don't think it's right for your to push him too much.

JamSandle · 04/06/2023 10:12

I would. Times are different. If you have financial help, take it.

Fairyliz · 04/06/2023 10:16

I helped both my DC’s with house purchases as did most of my friends. None of us is wealthy, just average salaries but we realise this is the only way for them to get in the house ladder nowadays.
I bet they feel hurt that you have turned them down.

Original poster
quintill · 04/06/2023 13:49

They even offered to give us one of their rental properties so that we could use that as collateral for a loan, and help with the mortgage payments..

OP posts:
onlythe · 04/06/2023 13:52

Things have changed a lot and it was easier to get on the property ladder then and get a mortgage on one income. Unless you are going to be beholden to them I would take it and be very grateful. As it's his parents would it make him feel better if that money was ring-fenced in some way in case you broke up?

Newtt · 04/06/2023 13:57

Toooldtoworry · 04/06/2023 09:46

Financial adviser here. I'd suggest accepting the help on the proviso that you buy the property as tenants in common and a deed of trust is drawn up to protect your partners deposit. That shows that you are committed to making sure his family money is protected.

I bought my first place in 1999 and it cost 3.5 x my annual salary. In 2020 I bought my last property and it was 10 x my annual salary, so definitely more difficult these days.

This seems sensible and fair.
Much better to get on the ladder asap, you will both still benefit.

If his parents ‘gift’ can be protected and he doesn’t want to do this, is there a bigger back story?

Original poster
quintill · 04/06/2023 13:58

Oh by the way, I absolutely agree and support the deposit being ringfenced away from me. That’s only fair!

OP posts:
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/06/2023 14:29

I'm sorry but can't help but think he really doesn't want to buy a property with you because his decision is really difficult to understand otherwise.

angstridden2 · 04/06/2023 15:26

We’ve been able to help both children with deposits. It was a gift, we do not want it repaid. We were lucky enough to inherit modest amounts from both sides, we have worked hard and saved and were pleased to share it with our children. It also means they will at least get something if we have to pay enormous care fees and IHT.

Butchyrestingface · 04/06/2023 15:31

Your DP seems a bit dim-witted. So I'd be hesitant about shackling myself to a joint mortgage with him on that basis alone.

His parents, on the other hand, sound great. Can you lose him and keep the parents?

Aria2015 · 04/06/2023 15:31

Well if they died, I'm sure he'd take whatever inheritance he was left, why wait until they're gone if they're offering? At least they get the satisfaction of seeing their son get on the property ladder by taking it now.

nahwhale · 04/06/2023 15:33

Is better he has it now than when parents are dead. They want to see him set up in a house before they die presumably

RitaFires · 04/06/2023 15:35

Do they have a difficult relationship? Is he worried that any help given will be held over him and used to manipulate him? That's the only reason I could understand being hesitant in your situation.

If he thinks you're both going to be treated as if you owe the in-laws something forever then perhaps it wouldn't be worth accepting the gift.