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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dig my heels in…

12 replies

Kungfucandy · 03/06/2023 23:42

This is a long rant so bear with me and I am a long term poster but have name changed as potentially very outing.
We currently live in the countryside but DH and kids decided they would like to move to a city that we have previously lived in (kids were small so they probably don’t remember what it was like) but are now teenagers and slightly fed up with rural living. DH is an introvert and in the 10 years we have been here has not made any effort really to mix or make friends. He is keen to move, we have old friends in city and it would be easy to slip back in to a social life. He wants to be near his family (parents) . He is fed up of driving everywhere as we are quite remote. He is looking forward to a change and having things more ‘on the doorstep’.I gave in and accepted the move as all three other family members seemed keen and I felt outnumbered. Now we have found a house but it is nothing like the gorgeous cottage we have here, it’s small and pokey. We viewed it again today and I had a minor breakdown! The city feels much busier and dirtier and nosier than I remembered. It’s so much more expensive there and therefore (property-wise) we are getting so much less for our money... I’m worried about the kids potentially getting in to more trouble there, moving schools, making new friends can all be tricky. The current rural school they are at is great, only problem is it’s a long way away and extra curriculum stuff is always a hassle. I love it here though and think the benefits out way the nuisances. It’s beyond gorgeous and very friendly. We are on one of the most beautiful parts of the U.K. I am panicking we are making a huge mistake. AIBU to dig my heels in? I feel in my gut we should not move but I know I’m outnumbered and we have already begun the moving process (offer accepted and surveys done etc) What do I do??? So confused.

OP posts:
JustGeorgie · 03/06/2023 23:47

Compromise on a more suburban area on a bus route to desired town?

Kungfucandy · 03/06/2023 23:53

I don’t think that will float my boat either or fulfill the criteria for my husband. He wants to be slap bang in the city so he can walk everywhere and kids can walk in to town etc. It’s really because I’m so happy here and our quality of life is really good (well I think so!)

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2023 23:53

I think the reasons the rest of the family want to move are all completely valid, just as valid as your reasons for wanting to stay. You've been out voted though and so I think you do have to go (or if you feel really strongly let them go and you stay in the countryside).

Is there anyway you could compromise on location? Could you move nearer to their existing school so they can have some independence/be close to friends etc. Or to the outskirts of a city. From the countryside to a bigger town but not a big city.

007DoubleOSeven · 04/06/2023 00:05

Your children don't get more of a vote than you do - I don't even think they get an equal vote to you tbh. They will likely be moving out in a few years, they're already teens - you will be presumably be there for much longer.

Your reaction is visceral and strong and not one to be ignored. Would your husband put his feelings aside if he felt so strongly about a place?

You clearly need to find a compromise with your dh but I wouldn't go with the house you've find, you'll hate it and be utterly miserable and end up resenting your dh.

Kungfucandy · 04/06/2023 00:09

NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2023 23:53

I think the reasons the rest of the family want to move are all completely valid, just as valid as your reasons for wanting to stay. You've been out voted though and so I think you do have to go (or if you feel really strongly let them go and you stay in the countryside).

Is there anyway you could compromise on location? Could you move nearer to their existing school so they can have some independence/be close to friends etc. Or to the outskirts of a city. From the countryside to a bigger town but not a big city.

There’s no way we can afford one house in the city and keep the one here and live separately. Nor would I want to do that. I totally get that their feelings are valid and on a practical level, understand why it makes sense to be in the city. I do get it I just hate it so much. Suburbia would be just if not more horrific I think! ☹️

OP posts:
GeraltsBathtub · 04/06/2023 00:11

You’ve been living somewhere you wanted to and the other family members didn’t for 10 years so I think it’s unreasonable to object to moving to a location that the majority prefer. But why have you offered on a house you don’t like? Can you keep looking for something nicer in the city?

NuffSaidSam · 04/06/2023 00:17

Kungfucandy · 04/06/2023 00:09

There’s no way we can afford one house in the city and keep the one here and live separately. Nor would I want to do that. I totally get that their feelings are valid and on a practical level, understand why it makes sense to be in the city. I do get it I just hate it so much. Suburbia would be just if not more horrific I think! ☹️

Do you think your DH wants the city enough that he'd leave you to attain that?

Because the only options are:

You live separately.

You compromise.

One of you lives somewhere that makes you miserable.

You don't want to live separately or compromise, then someone lives somewhere they hate. He's done it for 10 years. It's your turn. YABU to dig your heels in.

SoTired12 · 04/06/2023 00:20

I feel so sorry for you OP, I would be devastated having to move to the city. I don't know what the answer is, I'd be digging my heels too 😭

Kungfucandy · 04/06/2023 00:21

GeraltsBathtub · 04/06/2023 00:11

You’ve been living somewhere you wanted to and the other family members didn’t for 10 years so I think it’s unreasonable to object to moving to a location that the majority prefer. But why have you offered on a house you don’t like? Can you keep looking for something nicer in the city?

It’s not completely true to say that they didn’t like it. When the kids were not teens (so up until recently) they loved living here. They have had a wonderful safe and outdoorsy childhood and made some great friends. They are also a bit in two minds about going but we chatted to them and they said they are up for a change. DH and s now bored but don’t think he was when we first moved bed here. He is worried about his parents and he is fed up with driving but these are quite recent concerns.

OP posts:
Kungfucandy · 04/06/2023 00:23

Sorry for typos!

OP posts:
JustGeorgie · 04/06/2023 00:26

Well if there's no compromise how are you planning to 'dig your heels in'?

Pixiedust1234 · 04/06/2023 00:32

Suburbia would be just if not more horrific I think! ☹️
What's wrong with living on the outskirts of the city? You get the best of both worlds. My children walked to all their schools. Buses are less than a 10 min walk away and go into the middle of the city. But I get foxes, bats, hedgehogs, dragonflies and lots of baby birds in my garden. When neighbours don't mow their lawns all I hear is birdsong with the odd car but I live amongst many interlocking roads of semi detached houses. I really do love it here and I was born a country girl.

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