Sorry for long post - bear with it!
Other half says ". You pay me absolutely ZERO as an unpaid slave and take all our money" "and a formal complaint of domestic abuse via coercive control / controlling behaviour has been made to social services about this".
I work full time, OH quit work in Aug 2016 just as I was about to go back to work after maternity leave with OH citing stress. It was made clear before birth that I must return to work full time to give child all opportunities. There was discussion that I might be able to reduce my hours in time. Nursery was arranged for 3 days a week with me working from home and doing childcare one day and OH one day (OH worked full time up until then). Then after OH quit with no warning or discussion, with no money coming in and OH not looking for work I said we had to reduce this to 2 days nursery and they take over another day this was after 5 months). Savings at that point sub £1000 and declining rapidly. OH claimed job seekers. Finances were hard. OH did minimal childcare (ie 9 to 5.15 2 days then 3 days and not outside these hours) no housework and no cooking.
DC starts school in 2020, OH picks up DC each day and does school holidays 9 to when I get home. I still do mornings and evenings. OH "works" at a hobby that costs us money. OH gets PIP (diagnosed as being on ASD spectrum in 2020/21). I would spend minimal in order to save for household expenses. In 2021 it was agreed that since OH used PIP as personal spending I should be able to have an allowance too which is slightly less than PIP. I use this to now have my hair cut and coloured regularly (which was previously only once or twice a year with a £20 cut and buy a home colour kit) and also for other bits and pieces eg lunch for us all at McDonalds or wherever, contribute to work leaving gifts, mothers day flowers etc. I also use this to pay for days out to Paultons etc. OH prescriptions come out of joint. It was also agreed that they would cook up to 3 times per week which they never did before, even if just simple pizza and chips
OH has access to joint accounts and savings and always has and will just spend from there even Amazon purchases for themself or gifts for their friends.
My mum died recently and I have a sizable amount which they want half of to spend as they please. When my brother died a few years ago my mum gave me and brother a few thousand each and it turns out my OH went to my mum and said they should have been given half as well. My feeling is that OH is being entitled. OH has purchased in past petrol motorbike, electric motorbike, electric scooters, electric quadbike, tshirt press and all the stuff that goes with it, web hosting, turntables, laptops, speakers and numerous other stuff with joint funds. They also like to control in other ways and I have been threatened if I don't do x then y will happen.
Would you pay your OH for staying at home? OH has an additional £100 petrol allowance. Entertainment for when DC is on schools hols is from joint eg swimming, McDonalds, pier amusements. I do washing, although more than two loads is way too much per week apparently but I just crack on as we need to wash clothes, towels etc. I clean bathroom and usually kitchen, oven etc plus extras like windows and other stuff, change bedding, wash it (iron bedding as OH likes it ironed). OH does ironing as and when it suits so often I will get up at 5.30 am and do urgent ironing. No vacuuming for a month so far. Hit and miss with lawn mowing as it's either not or then every week for a while. They asked for a list of stuff that needs doing and when I provide it eg beds need changing every week or bi weekly, floors need mopping, bathroom cleaned I'm told I'm controlling. It is used against me.
It's been made clear (from both OH and FIL) that whatever my FIL provides either now or when they have passed that it is for OH/DC.
So essentially (if you made it thus far), should I pay OH for housekeeping and child care? I'm beginning to think that living separately and paying someone else to do childcare whilst I work who may be better qualified would likely make me and DC better off atlhough DC will miss their parent.
Clearly I'm sure you'll read there is more to this than I am revealing but bottom line, when both of you are working (one in the home and one in the workplace) with a similar "allowance" would the working at home person expect to be paid more?