In law troubles.

snackqueen12 · 2023-06-03T17:32:58+00:00

Hi, I need a bit of advice. Background in laws (DH dad and step mum) frequently go away a lot, dont see DC often as they should. So in laws keep thinking its ok to on the day decide they will visit, basically when they have a spare 5 mins, this could be weeks/months apart. I have tried saying I can take youngest DC to them/ plan a day out during the days other DC are at school or plan for a weekend for all DC's but nothing ever comes of it, or they expect us to take them say an hour away from home to visit them on a trip if 'local' time to time. I have asked them to take 1 DC if i have the odd appointment or suggest they have any DC overnight to see them more but they are always too busy or away. Aibu to be annoyed and stop the spontaneous visits (when it puts us out with plans already made). Aibu to say no and tell them to take me up on multiple offers. DH doesnt see any issue with the random visits when they do happen but it is starting to grate on me how they never plan anything with DC, but when they have a spare moment its ok, like an after thought. Help.

BellaJuno · 03/06/2023 18:34

Let them visit if it suits you, tell them it’s not convenient if it doesn’t. You can’t force them to be more involved than they want to be and to be honest, you should be led by your DH’s wishes on this as it’s his side of the family.

sunshinesupermum · 03/06/2023 18:40

What BellaJuno says.

LadyJ2023 · 03/06/2023 18:54

Not really seeing the problem. Not every grandparents could cope with a child or children to stay over. If they live thay far away it clearly isn't a let's pop in cause we have 5 minutes. It may be annoying to you but coming from a family where anybody pops in to anyone's yes it's not always convenient but I would rather see my family than not at all.

Coolhand2 · 03/06/2023 18:57

I would rather they pop in and see my kids, even if it's for a short while. Some visits don't have to be organized all the time, just pop in and say hi, if we are not home, we are not, that's ok too.

Original poster

snackqueen12 · 03/06/2023 19:03

LadyJ2023 · 03/06/2023 18:54

Not really seeing the problem. Not every grandparents could cope with a child or children to stay over. If they live thay far away it clearly isn't a let's pop in cause we have 5 minutes. It may be annoying to you but coming from a family where anybody pops in to anyone's yes it's not always convenient but I would rather see my family than not at all.

They live 5 minutes away. When we dont have plans I always say fine its no issue. But when we already have plans/they want to come at a time that doesnt work with the kids its frustrating that was all. They used to have smallest DC at times but have stopped as again always busy. They did acknowledge they needed to make more effort and had a period of it being great (brilliant as I want them around the kids) but has since slipped back to very rarely seeing them. I feel a nag to keep asking them if they want to make plans only to be told too busy but then feel berated when i say to DH sorry we already have plans if they on a whim want to visit.

OP posts:

Original poster

snackqueen12 · 03/06/2023 19:06

Coolhand2 · 03/06/2023 18:57

I would rather they pop in and see my kids, even if it's for a short while. Some visits don't have to be organized all the time, just pop in and say hi, if we are not home, we are not, that's ok too.

I always say yes when we are in/no plans but quite often i have lined up things to do that involve being out of the house. If i say we could pop in on the way home more often then not they say no as it doesnt work with their plans. I feel in a rock and a hard place as i want them to see the kids but DC are all 4 and under so fairly hectic and playful schedules esp in summer

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LadyLapsang · 03/06/2023 19:13

I think there is a difference between visiting them or them visiting you or going out as an extended family and an expectation they look after the children. How often does your DH see his parents or are you talking about them calling in on you and the children?

Sceptre86 · 03/06/2023 19:18

They don't have to spend time with your kids, they aren't obliged to. It would be nice of they wanted to though. You just have to be direct so if you already have plans be firm and say it's not convenient and you can catch them another time. You'll have to keep this on repeat and need your dh to be onboard.

Original poster

snackqueen12 · 03/06/2023 19:22

LadyLapsang · 03/06/2023 19:13

I think there is a difference between visiting them or them visiting you or going out as an extended family and an expectation they look after the children. How often does your DH see his parents or are you talking about them calling in on you and the children?

DH only sees them when they decide to pop in. He too has made offers to plan things with them but is told they have other plans/holidays etc. Which is fine we understand not everyone is a hands on grandparent. Both retired but early/late 50s. But feels like the kids are an after thought 😔 i think this is what is grating on me.
We dont expect them to look after the children on days out when offered, just play and we do the actual parenting so to speak.
I have stopped asking if they want to do anything or if on the off chance they could help me with childcare for 1 DC (my mum now takes all DC which is a strain as they can be a handful, but i have a much needed appointment medically once a week), but I feel awful in then stopping offering/feel guilty when I say sorry they cant pop in when we already have plans. Should I just accept that we have plans and not to feel guilty but to also extend the occasional offer still of meeting up even if this is rejected to let them know they are absolutely welcome when we are home/to make plans??

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Stratocumulus · 03/06/2023 19:24

Not all grandparents are that interested in small children. It’s allowed!
I’d say “No” next time they want to pop in if you have plans. It’s your call and if they’re not that bothered about interacting with your kids so be it. Their loss.

Original poster

snackqueen12 · 03/06/2023 19:28

Sceptre86 · 03/06/2023 19:18

They don't have to spend time with your kids, they aren't obliged to. It would be nice of they wanted to though. You just have to be direct so if you already have plans be firm and say it's not convenient and you can catch them another time. You'll have to keep this on repeat and need your dh to be onboard.

The thing is they say they want to see them, but really only when they can fit them in. They never seem to want to plan anything? Maybe this is why I am getting frustrated as they plan lots of things elsewhere but seem to lack with DCs yet complain they dont see them 🙈 They get upset that the kids run to my parents at birthdays etc but mine are very involved and spend quite a lot of time with them. We actively encourage in laws to do the same with activites they would maybe also enjoy too. I feel i cant pause our life because they wish to visit when we do have plans and its upsetting me as DH although sometimes sees it, other times thinks cancelling plans made with others is ok?

OP posts:

Original poster

snackqueen12 · 03/06/2023 19:30

Stratocumulus · 03/06/2023 19:24

Not all grandparents are that interested in small children. It’s allowed!
I’d say “No” next time they want to pop in if you have plans. It’s your call and if they’re not that bothered about interacting with your kids so be it. Their loss.

I agree. I wouldnt push for it if i thought spending time with DC wasnt for them. But they complain they dont see them/have more of a bond with my parents yet never take me up on offers of various times places suggestions anything 🙈
I will say no next time and try not to feel awful about it.

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NowItsSpring · 03/06/2023 21:03

Sadly I think you are going to have to lower your expectations as it doesn't sound like they are going to change. If their drop in visits don't work with things you have planned then tell them, but don't feel guilty.