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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To involve CMS now after 2-3yrs of no maintenance

24 replies

Allinadayswork80 · 03/06/2023 18:10

Long one sorry! Lots of history with the ex who is the father of our 11yr old DD. We initially had a very amicable dynamic after our split, with him sharing childcare 50:50, but once his mistress came back on the scene and they got back together, things quickly deteriorated between us.

Communication has been dire for 2-3yrs and been via email only - their choice - and he now only has our DD every other Sunday and Thursdays after school til 7pm. No overnights. He has failed to offer ANY form of maintenance in this time and has never offered to pay for/buy anything for her and I have failed to ask as I don’t enjoy having anything to do with them if I don’t have to. My current DP is our main breadwinner with me working part time and treats my DD like his own. We have a LO together now.

Recently I have grown a pair and decided that it’s about time he started to A) spend more time with his child and have her more regularly including weekends/overnight and B) pay something. The communication broke down due to them, despite my attempts to re-kindle a civil playing field and even tried to go to mediation but he flat out refused on both fronts. Due to the lack of civil communication, I have said that we would be contacting CMS to deal with it. I emphasised that he chose the unpleasantness between us and have never really understood why.

His response has been A) his current lifestyle and work commitments are not conducive to having her more “at the moment but we’re working towards it” and B) he doesn’t see the need to involve an outside agency and has now decided that we should “move forward” with a more amicable approach again. He is keen to “make a financial arrangement that we’re all happy with” All very convenient!

My dilemma: I have stated time and again about wishing to have a better relationship for the sake of our DD and now he’s receptive to this so I feel I should be the bigger person, bury the past and accept. My current DP is STRONGLY against this and feels he’s had his chance to be forthcoming with money and be “nice” and chose not to, until now, when he’s been threatened with CMS and probably doesn’t want them looking into his finances (a longer story!). He feels I’m being a fool for rolling over but I feel I should at least give them a chance and see what he has to offer.

AIBU for not just pursuing the CMS route?
Or
AINBU for taking the chance to keep the peace and have a better relationship for the sake of my sanity and my DD?

Sorry for the long essay and thanks for all opinions!

OP posts:
Sausagis · 03/06/2023 18:14

Current DP sounds smart. I'm with him.

TeaKitten · 03/06/2023 18:15

You should go through CMS, it’s what it’s there for. And especially as your DP wants you to considering he his paying for your DD while you don’t want to make her own father do it.

denpark · 03/06/2023 18:16

I'd make it formal and goes through CMS so he can't weasel his way out if anything. Arrangements between people often fail

Inertia · 03/06/2023 18:19

You should have gone through CMS years ago.

No idea why you’d choose to continue trying to appease an ex who’s walked all over you , at the expense of your child and a partner who’s now supporting you .

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 18:20

Just go cms and email contract only is fine

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/06/2023 18:22

Inertia · 03/06/2023 18:19

You should have gone through CMS years ago.

No idea why you’d choose to continue trying to appease an ex who’s walked all over you , at the expense of your child and a partner who’s now supporting you .

Agreed.

nozbottheblue · 03/06/2023 18:28

Go the CMS route and don't expect a "good relationship" with him, keep it basic and civil then you can't be disappointed.
Does your daughter want to spend more time with her father? I wouldn't force it if not- nothing worse than being somewhere you're not wanted.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 03/06/2023 18:29

Cms and do not engage with him regarding finances.

BellaJuno · 03/06/2023 18:32

You need to separate the financial arrangement from the decision over how much time he spends with your DD. They are two entirely separate things. I’m with your partner, go via CMS and stop trying to appease your ex.

Darkandstormynite · 03/06/2023 18:34

I agree, don't be a mug. Go to the CMS.

Also, be aware if you don't you could very well really piss off your DP. Sounds like he's picking up the tab for you ex so I'd say he definitely gets a say! don't undermine your current happy home by giving this loser another chance to screw you over.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/06/2023 18:37

Yes go to cms . He could have paid years ago if this was his intention.

I will also add you can no way make him the dad your Dd deserves . Doesn’t matter how amicable you are.

Surprise1WinnerWeekend · 03/06/2023 18:44

He has had 11 years of opportunity

CMS

LadyJ2023 · 03/06/2023 18:59

Good luck with cms my son is 13 they failed me in the first year. The ex how he managed to convince them he had no money is beyond me they eventually offered 75p a week and he still didn't pay that lol. He still works the same full time job now. Anyway I decided after that I'm going it alone and I've never looked back. Son has never seen his real dad his whole life, exes choice. He classes now hubby of several years as his dad the one who's brought him up and paid for everything and loved him etc. I wouldn't be making someone have my child if they clearly don't want to, your then putting her in a situation that's forced and she will sense it. Your hubby you should listen to him and respect what he is telling you. I think you will make a big mistake to keep siding for a side not particularly interested.

LifeIsPainHighness · 03/06/2023 19:00

I have to say it baffles me that women think they’re possibly being unreasonable claiming through CMS.

I think all women should do it the moment they split with their partners.

Ive known a few people who see it as seriously crossing a line and being out of order. It’s the same on MN. What is the stigma on expecting a man to pay for his child?

Flowersun6 · 03/06/2023 19:03

At 11 does your DD want to go to her dad's more? Agree it's all a bit too late.

Niceseasidetown · 03/06/2023 19:04

Youre confusing 3 separate things.

1 - what he pays. Your current DP suffers while you refuse to act

  1. Your exs relationship with your daughter, which you can't control and isn't your business
  2. Your relationship with your ex

Stop obsessing about point 3 and take action on point 1

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/06/2023 19:11

Go through CMS, unless he’s self employed and then think about it.

Re the relationship though - he doesn’t want to spend more time with your DD. Whilst I totally agree he should take more responsibility please don’t push to send your DD somewhere she’s not wanted. At 11 she likely already knows she’s very low on her fathers priority list, getting into a debate with him about having her more will just emphasis that lack of interest to her.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/06/2023 19:12

You sound so passive, how are you not absolutely furious for your DD AND your DP who is picking up the slack financially because your ex had his head turned?

Yes you go through the CMS, he hasn't been reliable in any way so how can you realistically think it OK to give him a chance, he's had 3 years of deciding to do nothing in terms of caring or paying for his daughter.

Make sure if possible the claim is backdated to when he stopped taking care of his responsibilities.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/06/2023 20:05

Make sure if possible the claim is backdated to when he stopped taking care of his responsibilities.

Thats not possible. CMS will only deal with it from the date the OP contacts them.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/06/2023 22:05

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/06/2023 20:05

Make sure if possible the claim is backdated to when he stopped taking care of his responsibilities.

Thats not possible. CMS will only deal with it from the date the OP contacts them.

That's a shame but highlights to parents that they need to go through these official channels ASAP after a break up.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/06/2023 22:10

Go to cms. Your DP deserves your time energy and focus. Not for you to be wasting time negotiating with someone who is simply not interested and is just going to dick you around for ages abs then after much consideration (ha ha) offer you a pittance.

Cms and get on with your lives.

drpet49 · 03/06/2023 22:32

Inertia · 03/06/2023 18:19

You should have gone through CMS years ago.

No idea why you’d choose to continue trying to appease an ex who’s walked all over you , at the expense of your child and a partner who’s now supporting you .

This!!!!!

Original poster
Allinadayswork80 · 03/06/2023 23:55

Thank you to everyone so far, clearly a resounding CMS route!

To clarify a couple of things mentioned, my DD cherishes her time with her father and I’ve always been supportive of this despite things between us. He’s a loser and a dreamer and I wish she saw him for what he is - everyone says that will happen organically in time and I’ve never wanted to burst her bubble of how she thinks of her dad. I have asked her and she would like to see her dad more.

I totally get that I should have pursued this route a long time ago, hindsight is always 20:20. I didn’t because I didn’t want anything from him and also due to (misplaced) pride - me AND my current DP were happy to support and provide for her if he wasn’t prepared to. Foolish I/we see that now.

I appreciate everyone’s feedback thank you.

OP posts:
Igmum · 04/06/2023 13:25

Practical question, is he self employed? If he is, and is prepared to hide income, the CMS is generally useless. If he's PAYE call them tomorrow

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