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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I being oversensitive?

22 replies

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 12:21

So have couple of friends, thought close, and they have sons same age to DS and who he spends time with and calls his friends. It was my DS birthday couple of weeks ago, he is struggling teen and we have little family. So he got 3 cards, 1 from me & DH, 1 from GM & GF and 1 from a 76 year old lady I used to work with who bless her never forgets. Nothing else from my friends no cards, messages etc. Now in context, both have 2 kids and both of their DS had birthdays in last month and as usual I made sure they gifts and messages on their birthday so why is it different for my DS. I also do same for their DDs for their birthdays. I don't begrudge spending double what they would for 2 children, even though they are both much better off than I am but they are well aware we have family issues and DS struggles with self esteem. I have left it a couple of weeks as know people are busy and wanted to give benefit of doubt. Am I being over sensitive I really feel for him and it is making me feel so angry and hurt that I make such a fuss of all their kids and they cannot be bothered with my DS.

OP posts:

Vegalam · 03/06/2023 12:25

I think your stress/worry about your DS is probably making you read into this more than you should - thats not to say it isn't upsetting!

You could speak to them about it? Maybe it was an unintentional oversight.

Original poster

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 12:39

I would love to think it's just me overthinking and I do worry about DS as he recently self harmed, but it's hard not to when I went to their homes with DS with gifts and cards on their sons birthdays and I have not even had a message from them. I am too hurt/ angry at this point to even talk to them. They have had their own issues over the years and I have always stepped up to support them.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 03/06/2023 12:42

Stop the presents for their kids. And I don’t mean that unkindly! They’re maybe just not “present people”. One of my very lovely friends always buys presents for my birthday and for my DH. And I wish she wouldn’t - because I then have to reciprocate and it’s a bit of a pain, to be honest. (I know this sounds awful, but I’m just trying to give an honest picture. I love her dearly, but it’s just another layer of stress in my life that I could do without!)

HoIIy · 03/06/2023 12:43

Do they realise it was his birthday? It's so easy to forget dates when there's so many to remember. It's no excuse, I'd be hurt with no communication at all. I definitely would stop sending anything for their children.

Sunnyfeelgood · 03/06/2023 12:44

This very much depends on the expectations you have in your friendship group. I dont regularly buy gifts or celebrate my friend's children's birthdays. If I am invited to a party then I would take something. But my friends children are too far removed from my inner circle to include in gift giving etc. In total, my close friends have 23 kids combined. I couldn't afford to include them and would be hesitant to take on the emotional load of remembering as I have my own family and neices and nephews to remember. This is the same for my friends with my kids. It is cute if they acknowledge it, but a suprise (not expected).

That is not to say I am right!! Your way sounds much kinder and lovelier. Sometimes we grow up with expectations of what 'the norm' is and are then disappointed when other people have a different norm. Have you spoken to them about expectations of the friendship? Or are you just assuming they know what you expect from them? In my group, the cultural norm is thay gifting friend's children is not expected (although very much appreciated if received).

Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 12:49

I would never do messages or gifts for all my friends kids (unless we are invited to a party). That is way over the top. And I would resent someone who gave my kids gifts / messages and expected me to join this tradition she had and do the same for her kids.

I don't even keep track of my friends' kids birthdays. If they post on social media, I add a comment but otherwise, nope.

It is time consuming enough doing gifts for family and all all the nieces and nephews etc.

HoIIy · 03/06/2023 12:51

I also don't do gifts for friends children, or friends. And my friends are the same. The list would be endless if we branched out into friends as well as family. So maybe it's how your friends are too. However, I'd be mortified if a friend bought my child a birthday gift and I never returned that gesture on their birthday.

Nodancingshoes · 03/06/2023 12:53

No you are not bring over sensitive. I would be very upset about this. Me and my friends don't do as presents for each others kids as there are lots of them now but always do cards and presents/money on their birthdays. If you have sent their kids cards and presents, this is just rude of them

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 12:54

I do not buy presents for everyone I know adult or child nor would I ever expect it for my child nor would my child themself

Nodancingshoes · 03/06/2023 12:54

Sorry that should say no Xmas presents but we do birthdays instead

Original poster

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 12:55

It is difficult to describe our group, we used to gift give for adults but then as pregnant similar time made collective decision to give to children instead, and have done so for past 16 years. It's hard to think that they don't remember date as the DSs are so close together.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 12:56

I think you are unusual to do gifts for friends’ children unless attending a party so they probably don’t even think of reciprocating because they don’t for other children.

Does your son have a party planned because that’s when I would expect him to get some cards.

HoIIy · 03/06/2023 12:57

Is your DS older? Have they decided age 16 means no more gifts?

Sunnyfeelgood · 03/06/2023 12:58

If you guys have a tradition of 16 years then I can understand why you would be upset thay they have broken it!

I suppose it will have to stop at some point as would be weird to buy 'adult children' gifts indefinitely. But seems a poor time to stop when you have made an effort for their children this year and they know your son is struggling at the moment.

I think it is worth bringing this up directly with them.

Original poster

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 13:07

No my DS is not the oldest, another group friend had DD and we gifted until she was 18, so that was the expectation. Sadly, we lost this friend a couple of years ago. I

OP posts:

Createausername1970 · 03/06/2023 13:18

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 12:39

I am sorry about the self harm and you are not being oversensitive. Lack of self esteem was at the root of my son's self harm, and not getting reciprocal attention isn't great. We have a small family, so this has been an issue on my radar.

Could you have a quiet word with your friends and confide about the self harm and ask if they would get him something on the pretext they got the month wrong?

Going forward, don't buy for your friends kids if they aren't going to reciprocate. Perhaps arrange to be elsewhere on his next birthday? Or, as he is getting older, arrange an outing with his friends - theme park, cinema, laser quest etc, or a BBQ in your back garden, so those included come with cards and his birthday is acknowledged.

Don't get over stressed about the self harm, but don't under play it either.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/06/2023 13:46

You need to stop buying presents for their DC and stop expecting them to buy for yours. I think for little kids it’s normal but once children become teens the expectation is that it tails off because it’s relatively unusual for teens to care very much about receiving presents from their mum’s friends and for the DC, if they’re friends, to do their own thing.

I can see why you’re upset if you’ve been continuing as you have for years and have believed they would as well, but I really don’t think this is them being deliberately unkind - more that it’s something they won’t be doing for the teens of other people they know so will have slipped their minds.

Original poster

Purplemertle · 03/06/2023 13:55

Thank you for your message. They already know about his self harm and self esteem issues, supposed to be close friends. We will try and take him out somewhere, difficulty is his friends are their kids. We were tight knit or so I thought. Would love him to develope alternative friendship group as starting to think it's toxic all round, it certainly not supportive.

OP posts:

Nordicrain · 03/06/2023 14:48

Noone I know socially sends/ gives friends' kids presents or cards unless there is a party. It would be completely unmanageable. So I think thier behvaiour is normal and that you are (understandably) being oversensitive.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/06/2023 14:51

I think times have changed and people have less money so those what I am afraid I would call peripheral presents will be what go first.

Maddy70 · 03/06/2023 14:58

Don't give their kids presents. Its probably their way of stopping all that nonsense

You are being too sensitive

Dacadactyl · 03/06/2023 15:04

Aww OP, I usually think people on here are far too sensitive but I don't think you are with this one.

I'd be hurt too.

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