To feel I’m the only one who is this unbelievably exhausted with a 20mo

[Elmo21]

I’ve been on a treadmill of stress since my lo was born 20mos ago. I won’t get into what that stress looked like, but it included severe med withdrawals 2 times and ptsd from that. Had medical complications post birth, just finished my second lot of Covid 7 weeks ago within in a year (it really affects me for some reason) but I was already burned out.

I don’t feel depressed as such - I feel low because I have zero energy - I had pretty bad weaning depression when I stopped bf and it can rear it’s head at certain hormonal times of the month but it’s getting better.

I feel like I haven’t had a break - I’ve had viruses since October on and off, either me, or LO, and I’ve never felt so much burn out in my life. I am putting her in nursery and my Dps help out a lot (I feel incredibly guilty but my body feels like it’s made of concrete). I also get stress dreams, panic attacks at night and general hair trigger emotions.

ive spoken to drs etc, been on antidepressants multiple times. Things which have helped is juicing everything healthy, eating etc. But I don’t believe this is PND. I believe it is total and utter burnout. I feel love and emotions for my LO but it’s like any tiny thing will feel like a massive ask, I feel overwhelmed on a cellular level. If I have depression it’s because I have no energy, not the other way around. I know this from having PND after breastfeeding which settled;where everything looked so bleak I just wanted to disappear. This is different.

LO pretty much sleeps through the night, all I can think about is how much I want more energy and wish I felt physically well.

ive had CFS ruled out, ive had so much testing and the only thing which came out was cortisol being out of whack (not clinically, not insufficiency) but a GP mentioned adrenal fatigue and exhaustion (I know people think this is a BS diagnosis). Also could be Long Covid I guess, but this burnout started before Covid as well.

anyone else experience these symptoms? Did it get better? I feel so low because I just want my energy so I can be with my LO - feel like such a bad mum and hate how involved my parents have to be because I physically don’t have the energy. My body will ache and shake when I’ve over done it.

I’m so sorry to hear all of this. I can almost feel how on your knees you are through your posts and I am a complete stranger - your partner should be so much more supportive than this. It’s heartbreaking.
I wish I could offer some meaningful advice here! I’m sure you’ve exhausted all other avenues such as family looking after your LO for a while so you can rest?

the only thing I can say is that, when you’re feeling this way it makes you more stressed and more anxious which will deplete your energy even more. Try to be kind to yourself, do the bare minimum. Try to go straight to bed when your LO does and sleep for as long as you can. Conserve as much energy as possible on anything that can be de-prioritised. Try not to get worked up about your partner (as much as I understand why and he deserves a punch) but he isn’t worth you burning energy over.

im sorry, that doesn’t feel at all helpful but I really hope you start to improve soon and I hope even more that you can get to a place where you can leave the useless twat!

Just reading over your first post again…
you are burning a lot of energy feeling guilty over your parents helping and feeling guilty over your LO… you are problem stacking if that makes sense?
I know it’s hard but try immediately to stop feeling guilty over those things as they will add to your exhaustion.
When your LO has kids of her own, and she feels this way, I am sure you would help no questions asked so don’t worry about letting your parents help.
You sound like a very loving mother, there is no way your child will be traumatised by you being ill for a while - and the quickest way to get better IMO is to rest and that includes mental rest (if that makes sense)
Can you take some time off work while she is in nursery and just sleep or lie about watching TV (guilt free) can you increase her hours at all, just for the time being?

Your compassion is more than helpful and thank you for it. Sometimes i just need people to hear what I’m saying and empathise which this thread has done. My main concern is giving myself ME or something through pushing. I do trust my body and i seem worse around ovulation and PMS time but it’s almost like I gaslight myself. Tell myself the exhaustion is in my head and don’t really listen to my body, almost like it’s lying to me. I know it isn’t. My dr said ‘your mind will lie at a drop of a hat, your body never does’.

it just feels like the emotional and cognitive burden is on me and me alone. Even then it’s not good enough because he clearly seems to think he should have his own whole life, and it’s fine for me not to. My LO is my world and I want her to feel loved in all the ways I didn’t (by my twat father) so seeing him view her as a burden in my eyes, when she’s so sparkly and full of life, just serves to make me despise him more.

my mum was a single parent, so I’m not afraid of being one either (already kinda am I think) but my body needs to be well for me to get to that place and that’s the but where I get incredibly depressed and scared of.

her dad does do bath time and rocking to sleep every evening. But everything else is just a burden.

Thank you for taking the time to read through again.

The parent thing is a real sticking point. I’ve got to admit my own internal processes are not helping the situation. I’ve always had a do everything myself, don’t like to sit still, hard on myself / perfectionist sort of personality. I’m having talking therapy as well - I do think the biggest hurdle aside from partner is my own attitude/ fear / stress towards the state my body is in / is it going to be like this forever etc. Haven’t worked out how to conquer that bit yet.

I have no doubt that there is something physically wrong with you - you know your own body, but stress/fear/anxiety as you know will make it so much worse.
You sound so similar to me! It’s so hard but every time I have gotten over something like this, it’s usually started with me just accepting the position I am in, that I may feel this way for a while and adjusting accordingly.

I suffered from horrendous anxiety and panic attacks when I was younger. The day I started to improve was the day I accepted that I will probably always be this way and that I will have to just find some coping mechanisms to make things easier. I haven’t had a panic attack in about 20 years! Weird how letting go and accepting things as they are can actually turn them around. It may take a while but emotional stress is exhausting- to me that is your first line of defence to make things a little easier.
Stop striving for perfection and aim for ‘good enough’

@Elmo21 how are you now? I found your post as I was doing a search to see if anyone feels like me. I feel so similar just now. It’s so physical I know there’s something broken in my body / nervous system I’m terrified of staying like this. Know it’s been a while so you may not see this x