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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I emotionally damaged my daughter

28 replies

Cleo2628 · 02/06/2023 22:01

When my DD (now 5) was a baby, me & Dh were not in a good place. We had ups and downs but mostly downs and argued quite a bit. I fell pregnant with her sibling in Dec 2019 and caught covid a few weeks later & had hyperemisis, all while moving house. I hadn’t slept for days and was so so unwell. I was dilerious from lack of sleep and constantly being sick.
in the middle of the night got in a huge row with DH and stormed out the house, I was delusional. I was so mentally unwell and honestly think it was a breakdown.
DD was woken and came with me and DH followed saying I wasn’t thinking straight. We ended up all in the car and I drove to my parents house. I was so upset and of course so was DD. It was horrible. She was saying on the way how our arguing upset her, she was only 3. This pains me to type out.

Since then we’ve gone to therapy and worked on ourselves in other ways and we now have a very healthy relationship and really never argue.

I feel so guilty that my DD had to witness this all, she had an otherwise happy life (spent lots of time with grandparents and 1:1 with me where we had lots of happy times)

I feel terrible, like I’ve damaged her. She still talks about that night and how it scared her. I try to explain that I wasn’t well and it shouldn’t have happened etc
I also feel bad that our relationship was so rocky in her toddler years, although we also had happy times.

im not really sure why I’m posting this, I just feel so guilty.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 02/06/2023 22:09

Oh op, Don’t beat yourself up. Obviously it was a difficult night for all of you, but you were clearly unwell and at breaking point. Since then you have got well and life has been calm. I think there are very few families who get their children through their whole childhood without doing something they regret. Sounds like you’ve generally given your daughter a lovely childhood..don’t let that one thing overshadow everything. It’s done, you sorted the issue and got well. Feeling guilty still is a useless emotion in this circumstance.

abyssofwoah · 02/06/2023 22:10

That sounds like it was such an awful time for you. You should cut yourself some slack. It was obviously an unpleasant and confusing experience for your DD but she won’t be damaged in any way from it. It sounds like you’re a good mum and she has a stable environment, she’ll be just fine.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 02/06/2023 22:12

i got really drunk one night and apparently tried to leave the room. My dd got so hysterically upset and I knew nothing

i woke up and didn’t have a clue but my husband was so cross. I thought I for sure had scarred her so bad

shes like 12 now and she doesn’t remember it at all

i really wouldn’t worry. She was the same age as your dd

Neerdowell · 02/06/2023 22:16

I think it's really good that your DD talks to you about it, she must obviously feel safe and it will help her process it. I've had similar experiences with my kids, it's heartbreaking to think about but like you I was very vulnerable and at breaking point. I think we have to be gentle with ourselves and I think having compassion for yourself is a good example to your DD

cocoloco117 · 02/06/2023 22:18

Your working on achieving and maintaining healthy relationship will do far more good for her than the damage from a one off incident when she was 3. It’s experiencing a dysfunctional environment long term that’s more harmful. Congratulate yourself for turning it around, not berate yourself for messing up once.

OuiLaLa · 02/06/2023 22:44

I had an incident which really unsettled my DD when she was that age (disappeared in the night into hospital for six weeks - even her visiting was tough with covid). Talking about it over an extended period has helped and she is letting go. She was angry and sad with me for over six months. Has taken a year so far and we are still going. She still brings it up when we are together doing something, like playing or going for a walk. I mention it sometimes. I have some solid phrases that I always repeat to her to help her understand. I tell her I love her about 30 times a day. She knows she is cherished.

I think it helps not to feel frightened or anxious about her feelings but understand they are normal and meet her in a place of calm understanding to discuss them and reassure her.

I wonder if my DD will always bear a memory of it, but I’m not scared of that, if that makes sense? Few children get through childhood without any incident and you can use this to help her be more resilient.

RudsyFarmer · 02/06/2023 22:48

I can still remember some bad shit in my childhood but it was one off bad shit. I am not traumatised by it. I honestly think it’s consistent bad stuff that ruins childhoods so forgive yourself and do the best you can from this point forward.

DorritLittle · 02/06/2023 22:54

Don’t beat yourself up OP. Hyperemesis must be so utterly awful! You were also ill and because of both of those things and lack of sleep (and don’t forget hormones) you were not yourself. You did the right thing going to your parents for support and I am sure she felt safe when she arrived. She probably remembers it well because it was a one off incident.

VestaTilley · 02/06/2023 22:58

OP, it sounds like you were very ill and out of your mind- don’t feel guilty.

I had undiagnosed PND and anxiety, later diagnosed, treated, time off sick. DH was later diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I feel terrible guilt about DS’s first years - there was a lot of shouting between me and DH, we really didn’t get on, and to this day DS jumps a bit at loud noises.

We moved out of London when DS was 2.5 and are all in a much better place - physically, environmentally and mentally. DS was a very happy baby, and is largely happy now, but - like DH - can be prone to frustrated outbursts and isn’t good at emotional regulation. I worry a lot about that, but he’s otherwise happy (and is only 4). If he is still struggling with his temper when he’s a bit older I’ll look in to counselling or similar for him.

The thing that broke my heart was not long after we’d moved, and twice on separate occasions he said to DH “why I didn’t like you in London?” Which was devastating. But also showed to me he felt secure enough to say it to him, and also showed he now felt differently.

We’re both very loving, praiseworthy and cuddly with him though. But I’ll always feel guilt.

continentallentil · 02/06/2023 23:04

As PPs were saying don’t beat yourself up, you were unwell and going through a really tough time.

When she brings it up, remind her it was a time when you were ill and you’re sorry she was upset - and then move her on. Don’t bring it up unless she does - let her forget it as she naturally will. It certainly won’t scar her - it sounds like you and your DP have a really healthy relationship - that’s what will impact on her.

Sensibletrousers · 02/06/2023 23:09

I’ve recently started weekly therapy with a clinical psychologist (burnout, anxiety, PTSD, stress etc). One of the weights I carry is the worry of doing my sons emotional damage and causing them to need therapy later in life. I am too hyper vigilant about how I am with them as I am scared of giving them some kind of trauma. They are 10 and 13 now so old enough to remember any damage I accidentally cause….

My therapist told me that it’s PATTERNS of behaviour that damage children, and sustained emotional or physical abuse or neglect. One offs and parents acting like human beings with flaws, emotions, and sometimes unpleasant behaviour is not going to send their kids to therapy!

The fact that she discusses it with you, you’ve heard her and apologised, is wonderful. Traumatised adults are the ones who never had their hurt acknowledged and certainly didn’t get apologies from their adults.

I promise she will be OK. Perhaps if she is nervous that it could happen again you can explain what strategies you now have in place to ensure you never get that unwell again (good relationships, you’ll ask for help sooner etc). They may be all she needs to hear.

polkadottysilly · 02/06/2023 23:16

I've been in a similar place. And you're doing better now and that's all that matters. Your DDs experiences are not prolonged or damaging.

Covid alone was an awful time. Your DD only has to Google or read history books when she's older to realise that!

I too moved house, had breakdown, covid lockdown and almost divorced all at the same time! - I really understand your pain!

Look forwards, not back x

Summerfun54321 · 02/06/2023 23:20

You are human and humans get ill and experience stress and do things they regret. This is life. The fact you have turned things around and are providing a loving family home now is all that matters.

Summerfun54321 · 02/06/2023 23:21

You are human and humans get ill and experience stress and do things they regret. This is life. The fact you have turned things around and are providing a loving family home now is all that matters.

Twatalert · 02/06/2023 23:28

Hi OP

It doesn't matter so much what happens to us as children but how we are being supported through difficult times. It does not seem your DD was abused. You had a horrible time and so did she, but please keep talking to her if she brings it up, how she has always been loved and mummy and daddy have received support. It's really important she feels loved, connected and safe to bring up the topic. I know it pains you but try not to dismiss the topic when she brings it up. Give her a hug, she probably just needs comfort every time she remembers that night. She's only 5 and seems to have loving and healthy parents now, which is absolutely fantastic.

Original poster
Cleo2628 · 02/06/2023 23:36

Thank you all for your kind replies, I’m shocked at how lovely you’ve all been. I definitely feel reassured now 🤍 thank you again

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 02/06/2023 23:36

I read/heard something recently that said something along the lines of ‘children don’t get traumatised because they’re hurt, they get traumatised because they’re alone with their hurt’. I mean obviously it depends what the actual incident is, but it really struck me that we can’t always protect our kids against everything (and you can’t help what happened, and have worked hard to move on from it), but the worst thing would be to try and minimise it/pretend it hadn’t happened like that. It sounds like you’re being open and honest with her and letting her process it, and I think that will go a huge way to helping her get past this.

caringcarer · 02/06/2023 23:44

How old is she now OP? Most older children can't remember much before 4 years old. She will forget in time.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 23:46

I think it's great you've been able to show her an example of how you got from a bad to a happy place (which is a rare achievement) and it sounds like she has a good role model of what a healthy relationship looks like now! Well done xx

honeybeetheoneandonly · 03/06/2023 00:55

I wouldn't say that you weren't well because what's stopping you from not being well again (from her POV) and that may be playing on her mind and causing her to keep bringing it up.
I would tell her that it was one of the worst nights for you too but that it was also a turning point für things to get better. Just like the most vibrant colours are often seen after the biggest thunderstorms. Sometimes you just have to get through the bad stuff before you can get back to the good stuff.
...or something along those lines that can provide her with closure. Yes, it was awful but it turned things round, so she doesn't worry about it happening again.

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/06/2023 03:25

It wouldn't have been a mental breakdown as you would have ended up in a mental unit for several days . But you could have had a meltal meltdown .
It will leave your kid "scarred" in the way that she will remember it. And be scared from it.
you need to talk to her about it.help her process what happened. Explain to her in kids term what happened. Unpack it for her so she can adress her feelings and start healing from what has happened. Otherwise it will leave a permanent scar for her

it is very important talk about mental health and talking about your feelings and how asking for help is the hardest thing to do , but also the most important thing to do .

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/06/2023 03:27

And don't tell her you 'weren't well" and "it shouldn't have happened"

Talk to her about how SHE felt.. what happened to HER when she saw it. Does she get scared from it stil or have bad dreams about it. And ask her what you can do to make it right again .

This isn't about you apologising. This is about YOU helping HER

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2023 04:10

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/06/2023 03:27

And don't tell her you 'weren't well" and "it shouldn't have happened"

Talk to her about how SHE felt.. what happened to HER when she saw it. Does she get scared from it stil or have bad dreams about it. And ask her what you can do to make it right again .

This isn't about you apologising. This is about YOU helping HER

This is good advice. Right now you’re talking about it from a guilt aspect. I know you just want to make it go away for her. But that isn’t something you can do and risks invalidating her feelings.

Achwheesht · 03/06/2023 06:35

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IanFromAccounting · 03/06/2023 06:40

It sounds like you have worked really hard to improve your relationship and create a stable environment for your children. That’s all that matters.