To feel exhausted with life

[helpMeWritethis]

I don’t know whether this is normal or if I’m BU. I complain I don’t have friends (moved to new area, kids go new school/nursery), I’ve tried making friends with neighbours but hasn’t gone anywhere. Well today someone made an effort to get to know me but I’m exhausting myself. We had a nice time but I keep going over everything and overthinking myself up over if I said anything wrong, I did reveal a few things I wish I hadn’t such as a confrontation a multual person we know had with me (it was a complete non issue and I’m not sure why I even mentioned it). I feel like an idiot talking so much, I don’t know what’s wrong with me - I complain I’m lonely but when I’m getting to know people I feel exhausted and wish I could just not bother and be alone. I’m trying for my kids to be “normal”, I could happily just live like a loner for the rest of my life.

just for context I didn’t have a good childhood, I grew up in a really weird set up with a super religious mum who never let me have friends. I never had a birthday party it went to one as a child. I wasn’t allowed to go out and was made to feel guilty over normal things e.g. being called a “slut” when I listened to music. I don’t know how I’ll ever be normal. My DH works abroad a lot so I’m always alone. I wish I had a couple of positive relationships in my life. Don’t know why I’m writing this.

im trying to find some useful podcasts or books to help me. Does anyone have any recommendations?

When you say you don't know if you will ever be normal, what do you mean?

What sort of podcasts etc are you looking for? Funny, hobby based, inspirational, mental health?

It sounds like on one hand you are saying

• I could happily just live like a loner for the rest of my life.

On the other hand you are saying

• I wish I had a couple of positive relationships in my life.

Which one is the truth?

Well I feel very similar to you and I also had a wierd religious upbringing, amd my mother called me things like slut for something just as innane. Took me to the church elders who tried to cast out demons because I’d been abused as a young child.

For me I have massive self confidence issues and overthink EVERYTHING. I’m starting therapy now. I’ve got a lot to work through.

Worth looking at the stately homes thread, you might find it feels very familiar.

@OrwellianTimes im really sorry to hear that. I hope therapy works for you. Please pm me anytime you want.

@Sunnyfeelgood you are right, it is contradictory. I think I want to have friends but feel I’m too damaged. I’m terns if podcasts I think for MH

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry your childhood sounds emotionally abusive. I don’t think this is stuff you can just ‘fix’ I think you will need therapy 💐

Hi OP
There's a very good book called Platonic (author name escapes me, sorry) about friendships.
It should be helpful to understand why you feel the way you do and how to move forward.

It makes so much sense that you feel that way after going through what you have! Have you considered therapy for yourself? Some CBT might be really helpful? I was horribly abused growing up and also have religious trauma. My mum thought I had the devil in me (!) So I grew up believing I was evil. Luckily I had a lot of therapy and made some very good friends and realised it was my mum who had the problem and not me.

I bet you were absolutely fine in the social interaction and you are overthinking the comment. The other person probably hasn't thought twice about it.

I am not a big podcast person. But the ones I like are:

Dear Therapists with Loti Gottlieb and Guy Winch
Dear Sugar with Chery Strayed
The Rich Roll Podcast - some great interview with people who have overcome a lot or are masters in their field on a range of subjects.
Psychologists off the clock

Thank you all. I haven’t slept as I have this horrible feeling I came across as really weird, vulnerable or just awkward. I have to focus that kids had a good time.