To ask for some help with making friends

[BrimfullofAshaonthe45]

This feels a bit cringe to do this but frankly I need some help!

Short version - didn’t learn the skills for making friends in dysfunctional childhood, have some long distance LT ones, great DP, want to make local friends after being in situ for 10 years+ and not sure how to. All advice very welcome!

Longer version is that after a difficult childhood not conducive to learning the skills needed for making/keeping friends school’friends’ in hindsight - and after therapy - were just replicas of dysfunctional patterns and weren’t positive for me or my self esteem and led to risky behaviour in a desire for connection. Made a couple of good uni friends that I still see now but not so often as we are all scattered. Lovely people who tbh I kind of latched onto and have stayed the distance.

Very lucky to have a lovely long term DP. They are an introvert like me and get all the socialising they need/want through the sport they play and are happy with the 2 of us but will be supportive of doing something with others if I get to that stage.

Therapy has helped me hugely look back and process the dysfunction. What I’m looking for now is strategies to make and keep some friends please after being in this area for 10+ years plus and not having anyone local to do coffee with or films etc.

Ideally would like to find my ‘tribe’ but living in a place that doesn’t fit with my political view, not being religious or sporty is reducing options to meet people and I’d rather not pretend to like stuff I don’t. Am planning to join a couple of other clubs though and hope to get some strategies/tips from people who are more effective in this area!

Thank you in advance.

Have you a local Spice? They are all about meeting up to do activities for like minded people. Could be theater bowling pot holing sky diving - anything really.

Or you could try the local college for evening classes

There are social groups on FB of you search your area

Having moved areas a lot, the best way to make friends (if not at work) is to do things you like ie volunteering for the things that make you happy - look up all the options available and see what appeals.

Thank you both. Have a couple of groups lined up to join in with. When you do, how do you make connections past the superficial?

Might not be your cup of tea but church is a real great way to meet people quickly!

Join some clubs or or online groups relating to your hobbies (or hobbies you'd like to try out!) and get chatting to as many people as possible. At some point you'll hopefully "click" with one of two people and it will move beyond superficial.

I don't get the tribe thing though tbh, I mostly have individual friends that I see in a 1:1 basis rather than a gang.

Getting passed the superficial takes time. Don't rush things - see how things go. You may gel, you may not. Friendships grow - you have to get through the stages of getting to know people/ companionship / through to friendship - if it evolves.

Thanks all - in regards to the tribe I guess I’m just referring to people I click with rather than a group per se. How do you balance being too ‘full on’ with the superficial? Joining groups and clubs I can do, it’s the making connections that seem harder.

I think the moving beyond superficial takes a long time and you have to just stay the course if you like the person/people. So for example, maybe you join a sewing group and think a couple of the people are nice, maybe eventually you could do a coffee before/after a trip to your local fabric shop. But it still might take a fair while longer than that, another trip to the fabric store, a coffee minus the fabric excuse, a discussion about films while at the sewing group turning into a cinema trip. And so on.

Forming a close bond quickly in my experience arises via something more intense. Maybe starting a new job together which involves a long training course, or a hobby weekend away etc.

Also, if you start a hobby and like it but don't gel with any of the people beyond chit chat that's fine. Enjoy it for what it is, how it enriches your life anyway, and remember it gives you something to talk about to other people you meet. Plus you never know, a year down the line someone new might come to the group who you really click with.

I've been/am there OP, it's hard but doable.

Yes - planning to see everything as a doorway!

My advice is this:
be open to appreciating different types of friendship. We often long for a close connection and dismiss or undervalue casual friendships. There is a lot to be said for getting on with your neighbours as one kind of friendship, recognising familiar faces from choir or Zumba week in week out even if that's all you ever do together etc. I used to think these weren;t friendships unless they deepened. Now I think they are. All levels of friendship are valuable and help us feel we belong.

So I'd do stuff like smile and say hi to neighbours and invite immediate neighbours over for summer drinks or a BBQ one weekend. Don;t expect anything to come from it, just do it as a way of getting to know them a bit better.

Definitely join some clubs that are connected to your genuine interests. It's fine if these are online. Most of my closest friends in the world I originally met in online hobby forums. When you share a lifelong passion with someone, it's an amazing connection. Go to any meet ups or summer schools that come from the interest groups or suggest meet ups.

Volunteer locally. You say you are not sporty or religious but every community needs people to help with food banks, charity shops, local library, gardening, litter picking etc. Or help the political party you support.

Allow it to take time. Friendships can evolve over several years, so if you do join clubs, volunteer or chat to neighbours allow the connection to just be what it is for now, and to grow organically.

Fab. It's so hard sometimes, I go in waves of thinking I'm getting somewhere and being a bit down about it all.