Superstitions, OCD, autism: a complex mix

[CompletelyOverwhelmedAgain]

I have 2 autistic DC with very high needs and other diagnoses. Their needs are through the roof, our days would sound unbelievable to the average family: 1am wake ups, constant screaming, faeces smearing, self injury, child to parent violence, constant destruction (e.g. we can't have curtains in the house). I have honestly tried almost everything we consider ethical (I.e. no ABA, or chelation etc). Our house is a sensory safe haven, we have purchased private therapies, I even work in a related field. People are now starting to say we should consider residential schooling, I feel a complete failure and so, so sad.

Here is the AIBU, when I was young and naive and had just had my first baby I did some work experience at a special residential school. I went home to my husband and said something completely ignorant. I said "I could never put my child in a residential school, no matter how disabled they were". I have OCD and although I'm not a superstitious person generally, I have started fixating on this statement and starting to believe my children are disabled because I said this. It's just going round and round in my head that I caused this. AIBU, or if you said anything this awful / silly would you think you brought the situation on yourself?

I am torturing myself.

Are you having ERP therapy for your OCD? Reassurance, which you will be getting here, is the absolute worst thing you can ask for. You will be strengthening your OCD every single time.

It's normal for human brains to make these connections; it's not real, though. We all talk about our words coming back to haunt us, or jinxing ourselves. It's not factual. You didn't cause their disabilities. I hope you get the support your children need x

It's completely irrational, magical thinking, and obviously you know that perfectly well.

Having said that, and knowing that my situation isn't as difficult as yours, my brain is convinced that I selfishly caused my young niece's autism, by getting myself assessed for ASD as an adult, somehow answering the questions in such a way as to obtain a diagnosis, and thereby creating a family history. It's bullshit, irrational magical thinking and I know it, but there it is — rationality doesn't always triumph.

The only thing I can suggest is that you try an ACT technique of noticing that you're having that thought again, and noticing any feelings that are associated with it, trying not to judge the thought or judge yourself for having it, trying not to ascribe any truth or meaning to it, just noting its existence as a thought you're having and nothing more.

It sounds really hard for you

I did in the past, don't feel up to it at the moment because it's brutal. You are right though.

I have thoughts like this a lot

Jinxing is exactly the way I feel

As you've said yourself, you were young and naïve. You didn't know what was going to happen, nobody could. But it was already going to happen.

If you weren't blaming magic - which is what this is - you'd be looking for something else, like MMRs, going to work, looking at something scary in pregnancy, the place you lived, a witch's curse... People try to look for causes and reasons and explanations and sometimes, there just isn't one.

I have nightmares where the kids' professionals tell me "this is all your fault".

OP I did my first dissertation on the connection between stressors and increased superstitions.

When I asked those doing dissertations at the time, there was not correlation.

But when I asked masters level students completing their course, there was.

In other words, had I just asked the stressed masters levels students, it would have been statistically significant (my hypothesis after I completed it 🙄😂).

My point being, the more stressed you are the more likely you are or be superstitious or OCD, in both my experience and in my study albeit small.

It's absolutely normal for your brain to irrationally make that connection.

When I was pregnant with DS 3, I went to the Evelina in London and walked past foetal cardiology. I thought to myself how awful it would be to have a heart problem for the baby and they aren't even born yet.
I was 19 weeks pregnant. Guess where I was 7 days later? In that very clinic with heart issues for my baby.
It crossed my mind that the thought had caused it! Totally irrational.

I have worked closely with children with profound disabilities and in residential.
I implore you to use it. You will be better parent for it. No one expects such challenges when they become a parent, and you have it twice over.
Every parent who has a child in residential feels the thoughts you have. Is there a way of talking to fellow parents in the same position?