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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that communication is a minefield these days?

24 replies

creativeteapot · 02/06/2023 16:21

Not sure if that's because I tend to struggle a bit with social situations in general, but I find it harder and harder to not offend anyone and to keep up with all the rules of what to say and not to say...

Some examples:

The mother of a friend recently died. I wanted to show her that I care and asked her how she was doing (not casually, more in a concerned, caring way). She was very offended and started a post on Facebook about inconsiderate people who ask her how she is when this should be obvious. I genuinely didn't / don't know what is better to say - talking to her and ignoring the fact that her mother died did seem insensitive to me, and saying something along the lines 'I can imagine how hard it must be for you' didn't feel right either because it (maybe rightly so) would prompt the reply 'no you don't because you're not going through the same thing'.

Pregnancy announcements...I have no idea how I could announce a pregnancy without offending anyone. Any way of 'carefully' announcing it, from a group text to a private text to announcing it in a conversation, even if keeping it low key and not overly celebrating it, seems to be insensitive to some people.

And recently I came across a thread on here where the consensus was that asking someone what they are doing (as in what's their job) is rude. That was always something I asked new people I met, for me that was about learning something about them, showing an interest, and I also enjoy sharing what I do (not that my job is interesting in any way, it's just an office job).

I'm just starting to dread social situations because I think I'll always end up saying the wrong thing....

OP posts:
Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 16:22

How do you know the friend was referring to you on Facebook?

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 16:22

In answer to your question though

no, I don’t

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 16:24

'I can imagine how hard it must be for you'

a friend would only say “no you can’t imagine” if you had a history of always turning things back to you

Arightoldcarryabag · 02/06/2023 16:25

I'd forgive anyone grieving for behaving like a tosser, I think it's acceptable to lose your decency in that situation.
As for the overall theme, no, I communicate just fine with people. I am straight talking and confident.
If you are struggling with what is and isn't an acceptable topic to speak about then perhaps you are a little too open, I certainly get that being on the spectrum myself and revealing too much too soon quite often. But overall I find people are understanding.

If you're surrounded by people who are purposefully making communication difficult, time to find a new circle.

HoIIy · 02/06/2023 16:40

I think asking how are you is frustrating, as they are clearly not fine so now have to answer that they are not fine. So it's probably not a good question to ask in that situation.

Annouce a pregnancy however you want, you can't please everyone.

I dont think it's rude to ask someone what they do for work, people on MN are weird.

Sunnyfeelgood · 02/06/2023 16:46

Maybe the key to this is accepting that you will inevitably offend some people? As long as you have good friends who like you ans you feel connected, that would indicate it is not a you problem. I guess if you are constantly getting feedback that you are rude then it is a you problem? You cant please everyone! I love being asked what I do, it gives me the chance to speak about something important to me. I have loved my friends checking in with me when I have been grieving. Re the pregnancy announcement, you can't make yourself small to avoid upsetting others.

It is not your job to keep everyone around you happy.

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 16:47

Unless you have lost a mother

you should have said “I can’t imagine how you feel”

SnugAsA · 02/06/2023 17:01

Some people do seem to be constantly on the look for a reason to be offended, so YANBU on that count. Many do also appear to believe that they have a right to never be offended or annoyed by anything anyone else says or does, so you're more likely to be pulled up on what would in the past have been ignored or tolerated as a minor faux pas, at most.

You just have to accept it and try to cultivate relationships with people who aren't perpetually offended by normal conversation.

SnugAsA · 02/06/2023 17:02

By 'accept it', I mean accept that you'll inevitably offend some people. That's they're problem, not yours.

SnugAsA · 02/06/2023 17:02

*their

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 17:03

Some seem to spend their days actively looking for shadows where there are none. What a depressing way to live

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 17:04

Oh sorry wrong thread!!

Meadowflower2023 · 02/06/2023 17:23

OP I hear you! I'm actually getting quite annoyed with it all. After reading on MN what people find to moan about or be offended about I feel we're losing the plot. Trigger warnings for this that and everything else it's insane! (I'm talking petty stuff not hardcore) The one with the job recently, I mean come on, if that's all you have to be annoyed about, you lead a pretty dull existence. I'm naturally an empathetic person, genuinely I really really am, but I am sick of walking on eggshells or should that be talking on eggshells these days for fear of upsetting someone and their pettiness! There I said it .... rant over! 🤦🏼‍♀️

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 02/06/2023 17:32

For the first one, say ‘I CANT imagine…’

Pregnancy - don’t announce, tell people in person one at a time as you see them. No need to put anything on social media, I didn’t for my last pregnancy (2022) and loved keeping it to myself.

Work - people on MN are weird, that was a weird thread. Half the people who said they’d be offended on that thread wouldn’t say anything to your face about it in real life anyway.

stayathomer · 02/06/2023 17:43

Some people just take offence no matter what but the more you try to figure out what to say the less you’ll even interact with people so try not to overthink things. Especially in scenario number 1, you were coming from the right place, she was probably just venting and not thinking herself. As for the asking what you do thing, never heard of it! Just be yourself op x

nosykids · 02/06/2023 17:48

Bereavement - I don't know what to say but I am thinking of you and am here if you need me for anything.

Pregnancy - don't do an announcement and just tell people as and when you see/speak to them.

Work - I do think you're not supposed to ask directly, but it is ok to hint around it.

I am ND so have had to learn these things as if from a manual - I could easily still be very wrong!

RightOldMe · 02/06/2023 17:52

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 17:03

Some seem to spend their days actively looking for shadows where there are none. What a depressing way to live

Fitting I'd say.

OP, grieving or not, arseholes are arseholes and people who love to find offence will always find offence no matter their situation. There's nothing you can do about it and YANBU for asking. Any decent person will understand what you mean even if they're tired of hearing it.

What else could you say? - anything you say will be trite, so better to ask than offer a trite condolence or opinion about knowing or not knowing how they feel (which still wouldn't matter because it's the thought that counts).

activelytrying · 02/06/2023 17:55

I echo what others have said...some people do seem to want to be offended by anything and everything.

Firstly, I don't think it's rude to ask someone what they do (it's just casual chit chat) and you can tell people about a pregnancy any way you want. The only time you would need to be careful/sensitive is if you were communicating it with someone who had lost a baby or who was dealing with infertility.

As for bereavement, I definitely wouldn't ask how the person was as it is likely to be obvious, but you can say that your thoughts/prayers are with them, offer to do something practical etc. When my mum died I had people asking me how I was and the only honest answer was 'the bottom has fallen out of my world' and although they meant well, after a while it was aggravating. The friend who posted a rant about it on Facebook seems a bit OTT...but then grief can leave you utterly demented so she gets a free pass on that one.

If your heart and intention is good, then don't worry about it too much!

nosykids · 02/06/2023 17:57

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 16:22

In answer to your question though

no, I don’t

Are you sure about that?

Irequireausername · 02/06/2023 18:18

Authenticity is not allowed anymore, just look at how commenters have listed the "correct" way to do things.

You'll find that you'll gravitate towards people who are a lot more contented and laid back. Not sure what happens to those who are always offended, maybe they find each other?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 03/06/2023 00:23

I haven't experienced any of these issues. Pregnancy - announce it how you want other people's feelings are their responsibility. Asking about someone's job is normal. People can take offence easily in grief try not to let it bother you.

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 06:32

Authenticity is not allowed anymore

well at least hyperbole is still allowed and flourishing!

musixa · 03/06/2023 07:31

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 06:32

Authenticity is not allowed anymore

well at least hyperbole is still allowed and flourishing!

😂

Lkgcsr · 03/06/2023 07:33

Some people will get offended by anything but generally most people aren’t and if you spend too much time on here it’ll make you paranoid as this is where people come when offended. That job thing was a bit crazy in my opinion

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