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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive re friend and working out?

26 replies

Whazzzup · 02/06/2023 00:22

I’ll try to keep this brief!

My close friend keeps talking about going to the gym or going for a “long weekly walk”, and I’m starting to feel like she’s hinting that I need to lose weight?

for context, I am not thin but I’m not obese - I’ve got a big arse and hips (childbearing hips 🙄) but I do want to lose weight as I’m not at my ideal size.
I am trying intermittent fasting alongside calorie counting to try and shift the weight. I haven’t spoken about this to my close friend, as I think weight loss chat can be rather dull. Another reason I haven’t mentioned this is because my friend suffered from an eating disorder years ago, and I do not want to say anything potentially triggering.

My friend is slim, but has lost more weight over the past year (intended to lose weight). She often says how big she is (she’s not) and will often criticise people that are not slim.

Just tonight, I have received message after message from her asking if I’d like to go to the gym with her, when can we start going on a long weekly walk, etc. These questions have been repeated as well, so it’s not just a one off.

I’m now spiralling, as in my head I’m thinking that she must think I’m enormous and is embarrassed to be seen with me. She knows full well I don’t like the gym and have never been a gym rat, so I’ve got no idea why she’s pushing me to go with her.

I’ve spoken to my DP about this who thinks that I’m being way to sensitive, and my friend just wants to spend time with me. I disagree, and I think this is a way for her to hint at me to lose weight (even though I’m trying really hard to, I don’t need a reminder from my closest friend that I’m chubby).

Am I reading too much into this? Should I say something? I haven’t replied to her messages as to be honest it’s really upset me, and made me feel gross. That’s absolutely not me saying that anyone who isn’t 8 stone is gross because that’s not the case - this is just how I am feeling about my own body and my self confidence.

OP posts:
Postbox87 · 02/06/2023 00:27

I think you're friend wants to go to the gym/walks and wants some company. I wouldn't take it personally at all

Postbox87 · 02/06/2023 00:28

Your*

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 00:30

Yes your friend is probably trying to keep up her good habits and do a walk rather than eg go for drinks or a meal out and undo her hard work. Will do you good to take her up on it regardless of your weight it's good for mental health!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 00:31

And EVEN if she was thinking that... how lovely and caring for your well-being

HoIIy · 02/06/2023 00:34

Sounds like she just wants to go the gym or for a walk. If you don't want to say no. You're being way too sensitive on this.

rubydoobydoo · 02/06/2023 00:34

You say your friend has been losing weight and is doing these things - she would probably just like some company!

ThinWomansBrain · 02/06/2023 00:34

Maybe she's just feeling fitter and healthier after losing weight herself and wants to share the joy and euphoria - all be it in a rather clumsy way.
Failing that, having lost weight herself she's obsessed about food and exercise, bordering on body dysmorphia.
Just be honest (& blunt)- you might go to the gym or start a regular walk when it feels right for you - but her behaviour is bordering on bullying, and putting you off the whole idea,

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 02/06/2023 00:45

Your post is very much focused on your feelings and your perception seems to be that it’s all about your weight and your feelings and nothing to do with her feelings about her own weight and fitness. She’s maybe slipping back into disordered eating/weight loss or she maybe just wants to go for a walk and to the gym with some company from her closest friend. Just tell her you’re not interested in going to the gym but go for a walk for goodness sake, it’ll be good for both of you in so many ways!

SemperIdem · 02/06/2023 00:47

You’re reading far too much into this!

She wants to go to the gym, and wants a friend to go with her, is what I’m getting from your post

mainsfed · 02/06/2023 00:47

You need to chill, sounds like she’s just looking for a gym buddy for motivation.

Just tell her clearly you don’t to.

ColourMeBlue · 02/06/2023 00:48

Sounds me like me to be honest😂 If I have an idea in my head I will repeat it several times,confirm its several times,state it several times....and sometimes it is a little hint for someone to do it with me.could be the case here

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/06/2023 00:51

None of us can tell you what’s going on in her head, and the only person able to know whether there might be some sort of hidden intent in her word is you (not us).

Sometimes it helps to just take people at face value. Instead of second-guessing them, and assuming the absolute worst of them. Radical, I know. It’s a lot less stressful and much better for your overall wellbeing.

Ginseng1 · 02/06/2023 00:58

A weekly walk with a friend sounds lovely why wouldn't you say yes if convenient? Great for exercise & mental health. I walk loads & always asking people to join me - not because I think they need it but because I enjoy their company & like fresh air & to exercise at same time!

TiaraBoo · 02/06/2023 01:03

Yabu

Your friend wants to go for a walk or to the gym WITH someone
So do you want to go with her - yes or no.
That’s it!! It’s that simple!

Plus if your friend starts talking about weight loss, toning up etc, she’s talking about herself and not you.

Veryxonfused · 02/06/2023 01:16

Very much doubt this has anything to do with you. I sometimes encourage my partner to come on walks or go on health kicks with me. It’s literally so we can motivate each other and so he’s less likely to tempt me with meals out, snacks etc if he’s also involved. Couldn’t care less about how he looks (in a vanity sense). Most people don’t mind how their friends look either so unless there’s some missing context here you’re being over sensitive

DreamTheMoors · 02/06/2023 01:42

My advice would be to tell her yes or no or to STFU.
Stewing about it is only going to make you more upset.
And posting about it here is guaranteed to make you more upset about it.

NewStart43 · 02/06/2023 01:52

I would love to have a friend who wants to go to the gym or for a walk! You are lucky to have a friend nearby, it is so much easier to be active with a buddy.

People are often much harsher about their own appearance, and your friend hasn't made any negative comments directly about you, so take her at face value. It may be insensitive of her to comment on her size, if you are bigger, but as you haven't said anything at all - perhaps she doesn't realise it's as hurtful as it is?

It looks like a win/win situation to me. You've said you're trying to lose a little weight, and are already making changes to what you eat. Adding some exercise to the mix could really boost your mood, improve your self-confidence (and who doesn't want that), as well as helping motivate you to stick to your dietary goals. You also get to spend time with a friend, and make potentially boring exercise into something enjoyable for both of you. Don't let your own insecurities (and, possibly, wounded pride?) ruin a friendship and your health goals.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2023 01:55

Your friend is hoping her friend, you, will join her at the gym and for walks. Because she will appreciate the company.

Stop being so paranoid.

NineOfNine · 02/06/2023 09:02

There’s a good chance that this has absolutely nothing to do with you and your size.

If she’s currently focused on losing weight herself, it could be as simple as walks, gym etc is the main thing that she wants to do with her free time. And if she also wants to see friends, well, then if she invites a friend along, then she gets to do both things at the same time. Socialise while getting the exercise she wants.

I think it’s more likely to be that, than it is to be a secret plan to get you to lose weight too.

Tessasanderson · 02/06/2023 09:08

Its not unusual for people to want their friends to join them in something they enjoy. Take it as a compliment that she has asked. Two positives, you get to spend some time together and you get some health benefits (even if you havent asked for help).

The only negative i can possibly see is if for some reason she starts to shove your current physical status down your throat, but i havent seen any evidence of that.

Accept the invite and enjoy.

brunettemic · 02/06/2023 09:28

I wouldn’t take it personally at all, exercising by yourself is boring - I’m a runner and I train by myself and it gets boring. I’ve tried to cajole friends into it loads for that very reason.

Scienceadvisory · 02/06/2023 10:13

I would be worried that your friend's eating disorder has flared up again and she's wanting to exercise with someone as a way to legitimise what she is doing. She can then see it as a social thing or think that as you are going along with it then she can't really have a problem.

Muu · 02/06/2023 11:19

She probably does just want the company but there’s nothing wrong with turning the offer down.

I can see why you feel sensitive about it. I have a relative who is judgemental about people who are overweight, and hearing them go on about that and diet/exercise makes me uncomfortable, even though it’s not directed at me specifically (and I’m not overweight). It’s just not fun to listen to.

helpwithheatsensitivity · 02/06/2023 11:27

As someone recovering from an ED, I agree that it sounds like she's back in eating disorder territory and wants motivation to do more. I doubt it's remotely a hint about you - some people are like this of course, but has she ever said anything about your weight which would make you think this?

If it helps, I don't ever "notice" or judge other people's weights except when they're thinner than me when it kicks off a slight competitive urge which I have to talk myself out of. Even my obsession isn't really about my appearance, lots of people have told me I'm too thin - it's about the feeling of it. She may be the same and not have thought remotely about your weight at all, harsh though that sounds!

There's another chance that she's aware of the slide into ED territory and vaguely thinks your company will help her stay accountable of course, either as someone who challenges her or who models a different relaxed approach to exercise.

orangeskies12 · 02/06/2023 11:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 00:31

And EVEN if she was thinking that... how lovely and caring for your well-being

It isn't "lovely" or "caring" to hint that a friend needs to lose weight, it's rude and uncalled for.

However I don't think that's what is happening here OP- I think your friend just wants a gym buddy.