CBA anymore

[Whatstfpoint]

I'm having such a low I really don't know what the point of life is. I'm single in my 40s with few friends and am just lonely. I massively struggle to build relationships and just can't figure out why. My life has been hard, had a ton of therapy and medication, but nothing ever changed this part of my life. Lost a couple of friends last year and just don't understand what's wrong with me. No real contact with family either, but for good reason.

People at work are constantly busy doing this and this or going here and there with friends. I have no clue how they do it?

I have tried, I really have. Put myself out there. I just can't figure it out. I had thoughts of ending it all and it felt good to know I could do it tonight. But then my cat looked at me and I will keep going just for him. I have a niece I care about but did think she'd be ok without me. It's fucking scary.

I’m so sorry, and I understand. I felt suicidal at the beginning of the year, and am still very low, although thankfully not as bad as I was. I’m 43 and desperately lonely, single, no children and few close friends. I have my grumpy 18 year old cat and he has been my lifeline at times. It IS fucking scary, and although I may not be able to help you - because I have no clue how they do it either - at least you know there are other people out there who get it.

I didn't want to read and run. I hear you. My circumstances are different in that I am married with children, but I am so lonely and friendless. My DH is great but I really want a good friend or two.
Like you, I have really tried and put myself out there. I like to think I'm generous and thoughtful. I end up with one way friendships and get used. It's soul destroying.
I also feel I CBA to try anymore. So much emotional energy and also time put into trying to find genuine friends but nada.
Cats are wonderful animals, and much more loyal than they're sometimes portrayed. I'm glad you didn't do anything to yourself and I hope your situation gets better. I wish I had the answer but I live in hope that I'll find friends, maybe when I don't expect it, and I try to keep the optimism.

I made myself go to a running group last night. Massively out of my comfort zone because I’m not a “joiner” and also not a good runner! But you know what, the people were kind and welcoming and being outside in the fresh air on a beautiful evening was life-affirming. I felt so proud of myself, for the first time in a very long time. And even if I don’t become close friends with them, it was nice to be around nice non-judgey people. I have become so isolated, so insular, that talking to people feels hard. I think we have to make the effort to get out and about, and accept that new friendships will take time to build.

I'm in the exact same boat as you. I'm in the Midlands if it's anywhere near you. Feel free to inbox me x

It's good to know I'm not alone with this, even though it means other people (you) are miserable too.

I go to a hobby and talk to people but it's somehow not at the stage where I feel I could just ask to go for coffee without appearing like a creep. They somehow seem busy with their life in order, but it's probably not the case. I know so many people struggle and you can't see it.

I'm on Bumble BFF and have matched with a couple of people, but guess what.... They are busy and/or on holiday, suggesting they actually have friends or family. One I have chased twice now but there's always something else she has got and why she can't meet for coffee. She seems absolutely lovely so will ask a third time. Let's see.

I just feel like I'm nobodys priority ever. I know I can't expect that of anyone but it's still shit. I feel like I'm just an option for the event someone happens to have time or is feeling bored, which doesn't really happen.

Hi @Whatstfpoint omg pls you cannot end it xx
I was 40 yrs old and single, no social life, just doing the same thing everyday.
Pls know things will get better, continue to put yourself out there xx
My cat passed away 2 weeks ago and god the love is unreal, your cat needs you xx
You got this 💪❤

I know exactly what you mean about being nobody’s priority. I do have a nice but distant family, we’ve always been a bit rubbish at communication. I see other people who chat to their mum or sister every day, and wish we had that closeness. My mum chats to her best friend on Zoom religiously every day, and they have such a close friendship I wish I had a similar one. I feel like my sister is just irritated by my mental health problems and lack of direction - she has a husband, two kids, very successful and impressive career, nice house etc. She doesn’t know what to say to me, so we barely talk, although we haven’t fallen out as such.

I sometimes think, if I fell down the stairs, or did decide to harm myself, how long would it take people to notice? Who would really miss me? It’s a really horrible thought loop and I try not to go there.

Hey, didn't want to read and run.
The only advice I have is to join local groups, take up hobbies, volunteer etc. Unfortunately you have to put yourself out there in the hopes that you'll meet like minded people and you will! I've moved cities a few times and ended up in places where everyone I worked with had family/friends so felt like there was no room for me.
Ive been to art classes, took up kick boxing and randomly took up hockey, never played before. Group sports are a game changer in that they have loads of social events like fundraisers, end of season awards, general nights out. Even if you suck at it, find an amateur team, just go to practise, you dont even need to play games but tbh at amateur level nobody cares if you're any good and sports is a massive boost for your mental health.

I agree you should try the Bumble BFF thing again, and also I don’t think it’s creepy to ask someone for coffee as a friend. I actually would be delighted if someone asked me, and I’m sure you would be too - so why wouldn’t anyone else be? You can make it clear it’s because you’re trying to make new friends - disarm them with total honesty like, “I’m actually trying to make new friends, and I’m not very good at, would you be a guinea pig and meet me for coffee?”, LOL listen to me dishing out advice that I don’t take myself… It’s so much easier to advise someone else!

@Summer2424 I'm sorry to hear your cat has passed. I know the pain and grief are unreal and life without them is so hard to imagine.

Cats were always there throughout my life every time I thought I couldnt go on - which has been since childhood. They do show their love and I know my guy loves me, would be so confused if I went.

Yes, @Summer2424 I am really sorry for the loss of your cat. It’s so tough, big hugs xx

Have you seen the other thread on here “Life can change” I don’t know how to link sorry but it’s worth a read. I have no advice other than to say I’ve been where you are now and I promise you things can be better than you could ever imagine, please seek help from your Dr or the mental health crisis team if you have any thoughts about not being here. Could you speak to your GP or do a self referral for therapy?

You are worthy of peoples time and attention, I don’t approach people because of a lack of confidence so you putting yourself out there is a step further than I’ve ever been able to go. Sometimes I wish people would ask me to go for a coffee or meet up! I know it feels like an uphill battle but keep going, you’re worth it.