Strangers ( new friends ) in upstairs of home

[Brooke321]

My adult daughter and my granddaughter (18mos) live with us and share a room. My DD has a history of choosing the worst people to bring into her life. She has made a new mom friend online and gone to visit her / have a play date twice in a week now. It is about 45 min drive into a questionable area. She has left items at the woman's home and now the woman is apparently going bring them to mine. I personally do not trust my daughter at all to choose good people and would prefer if no one she associates know where we live. As she was cleaning up her bedroom this morning I told her that I did not want her guests upstairs, that those are our families private spaces. She countered that my other children have friends in their rooms regularly. I again countered that these were life long friends whom we knew, not brand new internet stranger friends. I also said that I have friends as well and would never bring them to my bedroom.

I have tried to explain my point rationally but she simply will not hear it. I will not argue with her, she will respect my position but feels I am favoring the other children and that her and her baby are not allowed to use their spaces ( private bedroom) as she sees fit. I feel she has two reception rooms and the whole outdoors to use and no need to bring people upstairs.

As an aside baby father not in picture at all - do not even know who he is. My DD is finishing her degree to get a job and move out so I know her living here in temporary but also its terrible for the whole family. During lockdown she lived away and it was the best the family has ever been but her MH spiraled and she got pregnant by a relative stranger. Her being away at school was the safest and happiest my other children have ever felt.

AIBU in not allowing her friend upstairs
AINBU no strangers in private spaces

If she doesn't like your rules she can always find her own property, are you providing childcare while she studies?

I personally do not trust my daughter at all to choose good people and would prefer if no one she associates know where we live.

Unless there’s a massive backstory this is mental.
I’m not surprised she thinks you’re favouring the siblings if they are allowed friends over and she is the only one who isn’t.

If you don't want strangers upstairs then I think that's fine but this seems extremely paranoid and more than a tad snobby.

It is about 45 min drive into a questionable area. She has left items at the woman's home and now the woman is apparently going bring them to mine. I personally do not trust my daughter at all to choose good people and would prefer if no one she associates know where we live

@Sissynova
Massive backstory would be a whole book. She has had a drug dealer show up at our house, she has had other internet strangers come to our home. When she lived alone she and her GF at the time ( she was or is a lesbian yet had sex with a man and got pregnant - really not the issue she can date who she wants) had the police called on them frequently by neighbors. She has been violent with me int he past. Her MH is improving but not wonderful.

She is allowed to have friends over I simply do not want her friends in the private upstairs spaces of our home until they become longer term trusted friends. She has not had the same friends for longer than a few months most of her life.

I do provide childcare while my daughter studies and occasionally while she goes out but I was clear when she moved home that I would not raise her baby and she would not be out all weekend while I sat home babysitting.

You're not being unreasonable in putting your foot down. She is an adult so she is lucky to have a parental home she can stay at. Plenty of people don't have this option. Sounds like her decision making isn't the soundest and you have your home, safety, other DC and GC to think of.

I do love her very much and most of the rules I set for her are really to protect her and the rest of us from her horrific decision making. When she lived away we all got along much better however it was obvious that she lied to us a lot about her well being, drug use, safety etc.

When she told us she was pregnant we said she could come home but she would be under our rules, our home etc until she could support herself. My other children almost never have friends over while she lives here as they never know how she will behave... lash out, try to take over their time with friends or simply be fine.

Tell her straight that they should meet elsewhere if she won't follow your rule
She can't be trusted but her siblings can

Of course yanbu. She’s an adult, adult friends done often go and sit in each others bedrooms.
plenty of room downstairs.

I appreciate the replies -
I want her to build meaningful lasting friendships and have friends that I would want to have over.

That said - most adults I know do not entertain friends in their bedrooms. For a playdate it would be downstairs if the children needed supervision unless the upstairs room was a dedicated playroom not a private bedroom. My son only has his GF in his room (they are 20 and he still asks if she is allowed to stay the night, generally if they have early plans the next day etc) and his male friends hang outside or downstairs, my youngest is 15 and she only has female friends over in her room. All of these people we have known for years.

It is entirely different having children upstairs playing or hanging out in their friends' rooms to having adults you don't know well upstairs. Children often play in upstairs bedrooms (with permission from the host) if they are old enough (4/5+ in our house), can be trusted and that's where the toys are. Or if they're teens, that's where they can pretend the adults don't exist. Adults and toddlers/ babies requiring supervision socialise in living areas.