Fearing summer holidays after this week - 11 year old and 2 year old

[Beazlebum]

Have a big age gap between DC’s, not as I’d have liked it but fertility troubles etc.

This week has been so hard between DS11 wanting to ‘hang out’ with friends and trying to entertain/feed/nap with toddler DD. We live farthest away from his friends so it means lifts everywhere or they come to us (which I love!) but it means the house is full, toddler wants to join in, noisy when she naps. We also live in a very busy touristy area, which is lovely, but it gets so busy that I’m nervous of DS being out for hours all day unsupervised. (beaches/pubs)

So I feel like I have to be ‘around’ at home or nearby, whereas most of the other parents let their kids roam all day, and I assume that’s down to me being a SAHM rather than some of the other parents who do work and therefore have to leave the kids all day, so the kids have more freedom. This week I’ve realised DS doesn’t get invited to all the kids meet up plans, I guess because I don’t like them being out all day unless nearer our house, so he’s missing out. He’s invited them all to our house today and only one of 10 even replied.

We don’t have any family to help out, and toddler does go to a childminder 6 hours a week on one day, but it is so hard to plan/do anything that suit both children.

I’m utterly exhausted to be honest, and probably not conveying myself very well.
DH is taking tomorrow off work but as he’s self employed if he doesn’t work he doesn’t earn, so that’s why it’s always been down to me to sort the kids, I’m so worried about 6 weeks of it to come.

Any suggestions please?

Does he have a phone? If he doesn’t, I’d buy him one/give him a hand me down. If you get him a brick phone you can text and call him, if you give him a newer one you can use it to know his location all the time. It might help you feel more comfortable with him being further away from you.

@Papernotplastic he does actually, and he’s such a sensible lad, perhaps naive and a little sheltered. I suppose I could look at tracking him or something. I don’t worry about his behaviour, more so older kids/more worldly and how he would react in an incident eg someone stealing his football etc.

You could also drop him off with friends and take your toddler to the beach near where his friends live. That way you’re around but not too close. He can check in with you.

I've got 10 year old and a 17 hear old so the age gap was t quite as big but it was tough at times.

Cam you afford a couple of days a week holiday camp for the 11 year old to give you a rest if nothing else.

We used to go on picnics and invite a couple of DDs friends to come too so they'd entertain each other while little one tottered about playing woth bubbles or balls.

Swimming is good too. 11 year old can go off by himself while you play with toddler in shallow end.

Cinema cheap morning viewing usually full of kids so no one minds a bit of noise.

Are there any playgrounds nearby woth areas for older and younger children?

I do sympathise it's a bit of a logistical nightmare!!

I think the way you feel is totally reasonable and the level of freedom you give him would be normal in lots of areas. It just doesn’t seem to be what goes in your area.

Talking through some things with him - like what do you do if someone takes your ball, what happens if you lose your phone/money - sounds like it might help.

You don’t have to start kicking him out the door in the morning and not expecting him back until teatime. You can gradually up the freedom you allow him over time and you can set ground rules eg he needs to respond to your text at 12pm and X beach is off limits so he can build your trust.

Are they all year 6?

I’m afraid you might need to either entertain him or let him join in with friends.

can you look at any camps going on over the summer? Tennis, swimming, coding etc. even better if friends are doing the same.

On the bright side, it will be a one summer problem, by end of year 7, I’ll assume he’s going to be more independent about meeting up with friends and your youngest won’t be napping anymore in the day.

I don't really have suggestions but I do feel for you. I am currently looking after my 12 year old grandson and when my daughter works - my four year old grandson and where the four year old loves his cousin the older one is constantly annoyed by the younger one. Football in the garden ends up with the young one telling tales................ its boring.
I am taxi. I take the older one out and he calls me when he needs picking up. I let him be with his friends as much as possible because being here on my own with two of them is not always pleasant !

My ds is almost 11 and tends to spend the days in town with his mates. He has a phone (my old one) so I can keep in Touch and track him if I need on find my iPhone. It’s a different situation to you in that we live in the town. I think you need to start letting ds spend the day with mates in town now he’s 11 and either high school now or in sept. But def give him a phone for your peace of mind.

I have an 8 year gap between mine. I used to invite one friend round or take them out and just take the toddler along too eg football in the park or swimming. As pp mentioned, could you go to the beach area and just be around while he’s with his mates?

Some days I just entertained the toddler at home while they gamed for a bit if I was helping another mum out with childcare (when my eldest was 10/11 and parents didn’t want them at home on their own all day).

But - my toddler was at nursery three days not one. Is there any chance you could get an extra day some weeks ?

Although I have kids with a similar age gap (11 being the oldest and 3 being the youngest) I do have 4 kids so the older ones play and the younger ones play - I fully understand the issue tho! Can you go for days out and take a friend for the older one - maybe an aqua park where they go in and your on the sidelines having a picnic with the younger one, or to the beach, the older 2 can play together and you can build sand castles with the younger one.
If you don’t want to take a friend how about going to a big country park where you can all bike (toddler on your bike or a trailer on your bike?), maybe an activity like go ape that the older one can do with you on the ground.
I take all of mine to Norfolk for a week camping (my husband is a farmer so busy time of year for him!); I let the older ones go off and explore while the younger ones stay with me - it’s great fun - maybe something you could do - take a friend for the older one maybe? You probably wouldn’t need to tho as there will be kids that age on the campsite?

I feel this; I have an 11 ds and 2 yr old.

This week has been okay; he has spent time with my parents doing things which he enjoys as my dad has a rib!

But when he's with me and toddler, he doesn't want to do the things I suggest!

If I go swimming with them both he says it's boring as I can't leave toddler etc.

He's got 8 weeks off for summer too 😬

He's at a really small school currently and no friends really around- which is a shame. Really hoping when he starts a bigger a senior school in September he'll have more friends to hang out with!

@listsandbudgets i think I’m going to look into clubs/camps for the summer holidays that’s a good idea. I’ll try to find out if others are doing any (though by the sounds of it his friends have all been left to play out all day this week), may be different in the summer.

@Papernotplastic i definitely will have a chat with him about scenarios. He may be fine but it’s me who’s worried so I will sort that, thank you.

@LimeCheesecake yep year 6, so all finding their feet. He used to be the most grown up but since having DD I must’ve let things slip as he seems to be one of the least worldly kids now, compared to his friends. I’m also terrified of secondary school so perhaps most of this is my fear. Once they’re all settled in year 7, new schools, it’ll be much easier and when DD isn’t napping 12-2!

@Softoprider Good luck! I do empathise! Very similar here. It’s hard to be fair on them both all the time.

So we will have the same age gap, boy girl also and because of fertility issues…. So I have no experience of it right now but what I’m thinking is to have a family break, cheapish caravan type holiday for two weeks of the time. Then I’m thinking lots of garden time - paddling pool/slide, obstacle courses etc. I’m not sure how realistic this is!!! But this is what I’m thinking will please both of them. We don’t get loads of invites for son to things either and since he’s not bothered I’m not going to make an extra effort trying to make it happen. Is your son bothered by it? If he’s happy to chill out at home in the garden or playing computer games/reading comics etc then it doesn’t really matter? My son will actually groan sometimes if I try to arrange too many playdates as he says he wants ‘to chill out’

I have an 8 year gap between my eldest and youngest.
summer camps- none of mine would entertain these past age 8!
The 11yo definitely needs to develop more independence now he’s about to start secondary, so I’d start there- let him play out, talk through what to do in situations etc.
Theres definitely some activities that appeal to 11 and toddler too- make ice cream, bake, go to the beach, toast marshmallows, build dens, swim, trampoline, inflatable parks, nature walks, picnic with a football, bbq, movie night. I’d plan 2 outings a week, plus a couple of home based things, use a day to get organised (buy uniforms, shop, sort house stuff) and let him play out/ read/ entertain himself in between. Plus maybe a late night cinema trip/ walk to look for bats/ stargazing at night after the toddler is in bed.

Sounds like the friend's are getting bored/fed up of having to come over to yours because you won't let your son do what they are allowed to do. It's probably even more annoying for them to then have to entertain your toddler because you let her join in.

You're clearly very anxious over your son but you need to give him more freedom. He sounds like a sensible lad with good friends. How about trusting him?