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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel so fed up with everything

23 replies

username98765 · 31/05/2023 22:34

Really didn't know where to post this!
I'm just feeling so down and bored with life right now. I've just come to bed after a long day at work, get home take my dd to training, get back cook dinner, do washing, hoover, clean bathroom and then make pack lunches for everyone for tomorrow. I'm knackered and so fed up of every day life! Not much I can do about it I know. My dp and 3 dds take me for granted most the time and I spend my life running around after them and rarely getting time to myself. My eldest drives now which makes things slightly easier. At the wknd it was my friends birthday and I thought bugger it we are going away for the night! You'd have thought I was going away for a wk with the agro it causes - mainly with dp!!! I'm 40 and want more from life! I worry I'll wake up one day and my time will be up and I've wasted my life away looking after everyone else. I love my dds and would do anything for them but AIBU wanting time to myself and enjoying life??

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 31/05/2023 22:38

My dp and 3 dds take me for granted most the time and I spend my life running around after them and rarely getting time to myself.

Have you told them - especially your dp- how you feel?

JjennyWren · 31/05/2023 22:43

I suggest you watch the film Shirley Valentine, and take some inspiration.

Why are you doing all the domestic drudge? Why does your husband begrudge you a night away? My DC are adults now, and I'm a grandparent. My life has never been like yours. My DH has always appreciated me and encouraged me to have interests outside the home.

There's an expression - if you act like a doormat don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you. Know your worth OP, and demand more from life. I suggest you start with your whinging husband.

Original poster

username98765 · 31/05/2023 22:46

Yes I have on many occasions. The only reply I get is he works hard and long hours. Don't we all!! He has no idea what work goes into the day to day running of the house and I work full time too. He literally does nothing at home. I do it all from mowing the lawns to managing all the finances. Some days I feel like leaving I really do.

OP posts:

Original poster

username98765 · 31/05/2023 22:48

@JjennyWren yes I am a doormat! But if I don't do all these things they don't get done! I've tried it before!

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 31/05/2023 23:01

I would suggest that you need to go away more often... and stop doing the things that don't matter to you. If they don't get done then maybe the one to whom they matter will notice...

Screamingabdabz · 31/05/2023 23:24

This is a problem entirely of your own making op. You do everything for everyone so no wonder they take it all for granted.

There are ways to change this, but I suspect you’ve got a people pleasing habit that it’s too late to break out of. It’s also easier to accept it than face up to the fact that your family are selfish dicks who don’t really care about your time or well-being.

GladysHeeler · 31/05/2023 23:32

I love my dds and would do anything for them

We all love our kids (especially Peter Andre) but you don't have to put yourself at the bottom of the pile to love them. You can love them and expect them to pull their weight.

My dh and my dc don't take me for granted because I make sure that I value myself and expect them to treat me like a person who matters.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 31/05/2023 23:39

You say there isn’t much you can do about it…. There is.

Neither your husband nor children are going to change the status quo- why would they?! This works great for them.

You need to get active here, not stay passive.

what would you say to someone else, if they had written what you’ve just written? What would your advice be to them?

Opaque11 · 31/05/2023 23:40

You created this problem so stop complaining and do something about it. I thought you initially meant small kids but then you said your eldest drives!! It's disgraceful that they are like this and you are completely enabling it.

QuillBill · 31/05/2023 23:54

Decide what you want to happen, what you want to change. Then sit down with your husband and tell him.

If he's not willing to do anything then you've got a bigger problem than just being downtrodden.

Then hold a family meeting telling the children what's going to happen from now on. What the expectations are.

Babyroobs · 31/05/2023 23:55

Can you tell him you are getting some paid help in for things like the lawn ? might spur him on to doing more ! I agree though op, it is relentless and i say that even with a dh who does more than his fair share. I get home, get shopping for tea, walk the dogs, clear up , do some more work, sit down in front of the TV for maybe an hour then time to start it all over again the next day. absolutely relentless. I find it helps to give myself little things to look forward to at the weekends, lunch out with dh or friends etc.

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 01/06/2023 00:33

You life sounds horrible. All that fucking extra work after a day working? You have allowed yourself to be a doormat- start dividing up the job- let kids make their own lunch. Tell you husband he is going to need to pull his weight because you have had an epiphany. This is no life and other women don’t do it.
Go out far more often.

coxesorangepippin · 01/06/2023 01:27

Why the duck can't he mow the lawn???

Stop being a martyr

If your eldest is old enough to drive she's old enough to help in the home

flirtygirl · 01/06/2023 02:29

You have created this for what, nearly 2 decades if your oldest child can drive.

Ridiculous... The main problem is that you allow this situation.

Children can be taught from very early. Your husband well...

You still have time to put your foot down and change things for yourself.

suburbophobe · 01/06/2023 03:16

He literally does nothing at home. I do it all from mowing the lawns to managing all the finances.

OMG. How the hell have you let yourself get into this situation?!

Carve out some time to yourself, and let them get on with it. Take yourself out to eat and leave them to it. They will cope. You managing all the finances shows you you are more than capable.

I would go for some counselling for yourself and yes, do watch the Shirley Valentine film as recommended upthread.

VivatReginaPhalanges · 01/06/2023 04:22

Tell your husband it's not 1950 anymore, so as you both work it's unfair if he doesn't do half the child and house related tasks.
Give him a list of everything that needs doing and work out which 50% he is now responsible for.
Stop doing laundry for anyone above the age of 15.
Stop cooking for your husband if he doesn't do 50% of the tasks.
Make sure the kids put pressure on him to drive them around etc.
Don't do anything for your husband at all until he starts showing you some respect and pulls his weight.

NeedSomeWater · 01/06/2023 04:34

It’s a bit unfair to say OP has created the situation. Yes she has enabled and allowed it. But her partner and older kids have also made this happen. Decent people do not stand by whilst their mum/partner runs around exhausted. It’s selfish, lazy and unkind. They should not need telling.

I don’t know what your options are at this stage if you don’t end it OP. Would moving out to a cheap air bnb for a couple of weeks be an option? Could you do it?

At the very least you need to stop cooking for your husband and laundry. Have you got the strength to do this? You will find it hard to break your habits.

Goldbar · 01/06/2023 05:21

You have a DP problem. Tell him that unless he starts to pull his weight, your relationship has a very short shelf life.

How old are your children? If they're old enough, I'd be tempted to go away a lot more weekends (visit family/stay with friends) and leave the whole lot of them to it until they pull their socks up.

Who made you the house elf who runs about waiting hand and foot on the rest of them? It's not acceptable that they treat you this way.

stayathomer · 01/06/2023 05:53

Family meeting and tell them all that at no point when you were studying in school did you plan on also doing every- single-thing for five people. Start divvying out the chores, especially to do! And can you take up a hobby whether in or out of the house? I’d recommend something like swimming if you can find the time and money, but even just making a jigsaw or getting a good book!

Original poster

username98765 · 01/06/2023 17:54

@Babyroobs he suggested getting a gardener and cleaner! I'd rather save the money for a holiday or something and I certainly don't want anyone in my house cleaning! I've started doing things at the wknds with friends but he can't understand why.
This morning I walking into the front room to find dps dinner plate and coffee cup on the floor. I hit the roof! Not a major incident but it felt like the last straw! Things definitely need to change!

OP posts:

2catsandhappy · 01/06/2023 18:05

Why are you making packed lunches? Are your other dc very young? The eldest is clearly an adult and needs to take on adult responsibilities. What other jobs are you doing out of habit?
It sounds very hard and lonely right now.

Querypost · 18/09/2023 23:35

username98765 · 01/06/2023 17:54

Did anything change?

username098765 · 19/09/2023 22:52

@Querypost yes! I kicked him out!! We have a much happier household now! Think my dds were just as unhappy as I was. We all pull our weight now and it just works!

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