To be annoyed at how much my partner plays on his games console?

[Catcooper25uk]

So I'm trying to figure out if I Abu or not here coz I'm starting to think maybe I am the unreasonable one after more reflecting and stewing on it.
So myself and my partner we have been together nearly 10 years, we met after I had just come out of a very traumatising and dv relationship so I was not looking for a relationship but he slowly won me round after becoming friends 1st and not the sort of friends that say they're friends and then do stuff we literally were friends 1st where I felt like I could talk to him about anything and he made me feel safe and started me believing that there is still nice genuine ppl in the world.

Anyway he's always been a gamer and full disclosure I've always liked to go on playstation and play games occasionally, he didn't work when I 1st met him either then when we got together properly I told him I would not have a man at home everyday because 1. Couples that live in each others pockets rarely ends well usually loads of arguments and 2. I wanted him to have a purpose and there was no genuine reason for him not to work. So he went out and got a full time job a couple of months later and has worked full time ever since, in fact he's now a manager at the current company he works at and I'm so proud of the fact he has done so well for himself and got himself a purpose as well as made loads of new friends etc.
Well today we had a bit of a row because I asked him if he was going to be OK when we go on holiday abroad for 2 weeks without his playstation as its the 1st thing he turns on when he gets up in the morning for him to then basically accuse me of trying to control him because he just wants to go on his playstation for a couple of hours before he HAS to go to work so he turned it off in a huff and basically began having a go at me and all my mental health stuff it felt like he was holding my depression and anxiety against me basically saying that I use my mental health as an excuse when he has actually seen how genuinely debilitating it has been for me over the years.
I'm starting to think though that maybe I shouldn't have been so passive aggressive in my question however when I came down this morning from an awful night's sleep may I add filled with nightmares all I was wanting is to come downstairs make a brew and have 30 mins peace until any noise etc I couldn't make a brew straight away as had to throw out takeaway wrappers from last night that instead of taking them and putting them straight in the bin it was playstation on for him he doesn't help around the house coz in his words he works full time and I don't work at all I'm on sickness benefits due to my mental health so apparently full time workers are exempt from any kind of housework/menial tasks so basically everything falls down to me including housework shopping making sure there's enough money in the bank for bills to come out and when we go on holidays that's all down to me I would just like to feel like a priority over his playstation but I feel like I never will be, we've had loads of nice days over the last week where we could have gone for nice walks etc but guess what he'd rather do?I think I'm just getting sick of same crap different day aibu?

I haven't voted because I feel like there's a lot to unpack here... He deserves downtime, everybody does, and gaming is clearly a hobby for him that he really enjoys, and did when you got together, so you knew this about him. However, if it's taking up literally all his free time and he doesn't want to do anything with you, then there's little point to a relationship.

Re. the housework, it's a tricky one. I think if you can do it, bearing in mind your illness, then you should. He's working full time and you're not, so you have the time. Of course, you deserve downtime too, and I don't know how severely ill you are etc, so please take with a pinch of salt.

Did you work when you first got together? Is it possible that he's feeling resentful that you wouldn't support him financially (which btw I totally don't blame you for, I wouldn't fully support a partner either) and then the tables turned, so to speak, and now he's supporting you? I'm not saying this is the right position to take, I'm just wondering if that's how he's feeling.

Do you have kids? Do you share the childcare etc if so?

he doesn't help around the house coz in his words he works full time and I don't work at all

I just want to point out something to you. Adults pick up after themselves.
Put it this way; if I came to your house, ate a takeaway and left the rubbish all over the kitchen, that's not me 'not helping'. Its me going out of my way to make a mess and treating you with a complete and utter lack of respect.

I doubt that being treated with contempt and being ignored in favour of a games console is doing your mental health any good. I think you deserve better than this.

I'll be honest: I struggled to follow your post because of the way it was written. I think on Mumsnet (AIBU especially), you will get a lot of judgement for this and the votes will not be skewed in your favour.

That said, there is nothing wrong with your partner playing a lot of video games, provided he pulls his weight around the house. This would involve tidying up after himself and contributing to some of the cooking and cleaning. I would say that because he is working full time and you aren't, his share of household work should be less than yours. Like a PP said though, I don't know how severe your mental health issues are and that could very well change how much you are able to do around the house.

My DH has treatment-resistant depression and psychosis. It is currently as under control as it can be, which is great. But when his mental health takes a dive, I find myself wanting to avoid him and bury myself in my hobbies as an escape. It is the only thing that keeps me afloat. I suspect your partner is doing something similar - it's hard not to be dragged down by a partner with severe depression. It's not helpful to you, I know, but it may give you some perspective into how he is coping with mental illness in the house.

I hope things get easier for you.

I couldn't make a brew straight away as had to throw out takeaway wrappers from last night how were the takeaway wrappers stopping you making a cup of tea?

Anyway, lots to unpack here I genuinely think couples counselling may help?

Just to add some context I do the housework I'm not really bothered about that but what bothers me is the constantly having to pick up after him when he leaves things out or when he doesn't throw rubbish away.

I couldn't make a brew until takeaway contents were thrown because the side in the kitchen is only small so there was no room to put my cup or manoeuvre around to make a brew so had to clear it all 1st.

In that case he is utterly ridiculous and you should either insist on counselling for the pair of you or ask him to move out

It does sound like you were annoyed at him this morning and ambushed him him about the gaming. So yes you were being unreasonable.

Beyond that if you are looking for him to change then that’s another question. And for that question you need to honestly determine if this is a you thing or a him thing.

I’ll be honest that your post comes across as you’re only looking for validation that you are ‘right’ in this situation.

As I said in my op I do think I was passive aggressive and a bit out of order and for that I will apologise to him.
Not looking for any kind of validation I know I can be a right nightmare to live with was just looking for a bit of advice.

Who bought the takeaway, did someone collect it, did you both eat it?

Sounds like you two need to work on constructive discussion on expectations. You should not be picking up after someone.

I’m not sure there is much advice to give? Ask yourself the question “If he doesn’t change anything, do I want be in a relationship with him?”

You can’t change anything for him and you can’t proceed as if he’ll do better at whatever. The only thing you can do is decide if any of it is a dealbreaker. If it’s not then you accept it. If it is then you end it.

I wanted him to have a purpose and there was no genuine reason for him not to work

I know you’re on disability benefits because of your mental health, but why didn’t he work? He just didn’t fancy it? I can’t imagine much more unattractive than a man choosing to live on benefits so he can sit playing games all day.

I worry about your judgement of men after what you’ve been through.

To be honest he had been In and out of jobs for years but not one steady job to speak of we live in quite a poor area where a lot of people don't work and are on benefits however it has been getting better over the years with the area being more invested into and more people on the estate taking up full or part time employment I just think it was a way of life around here for many years not making excuses just explaining it how it was realistically.