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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not sign child arrangements agreement and think it was a huge waste of money

21 replies

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 07:14

Me again!!

Honestly, with a narcissitic controlling ex, go straight for a court order. Lesson learnt.

So we have been through mediation unsuccessfully and I got solicitors involved. He ended up getting his way with only having the children every other weekend leaving me in a huge predicament in that I work 12 hours on Saturdays running weddings. Finding childcare has been fun as you can imagine and I have had to cancel 2 jobs this summer which has been at a detriment to my growing business.

The flipside is his solicitor suggested as a compromise, that he has the children Thursdays and Fridays. Exact wording 'he will have the children all day Thursday and Friday'. Now my ex is disputing this and refusing to have the children thursdays because he is working. We have yet to sign the actual agreement as it has taken 4 months of expensive to-ing and fro-ing between solicitors. His solicitor hsd charged £900 to produce a copied and pasted proforma with none of the exact wording agreed previously to stop cf ex using every inch of wiggle room he can to do what he likes.

To add to this he is now asking me to pay 50/50 the kids mobile bills. I literally have nothing left with having to loose work, pay crazy childcare on saturdays etc. I am already reliant on the local foodbank and make the kids walk most places as cannot afford to use the car. We had debated the financial side for momths already and I find it sneaky he has thrown it in at this stage.

This Thursday, tomorrow, my new partner has treated me to a day/night away at a spa in a beautiful part of the country as a treat as he has seen how stressed I have been. But currently I have no childcare!!

I am not going to sign it until it is rewritten correctly. What would you all do?

Background infor for context:
Kids live with me DS 9 ad DS 13
I had to move out of jointly owned home with kids 18 months ago as he forced me to live in the dining room when we split. He refused to move. (for me 6 months sleeping on sofa then 4 months in dining room) Seperated now 2.5 years.
Buying me out when fixed rate ends in Nov. Seperate agreement already sorted.
He controlled me financially when together leaving me 4k in debt whilst he grew his very successful business.
We never married

OP posts:

HadalyEve · 31/05/2023 07:23

I would not sign any legal document I was not happy with. YANBU to not sign the agreement. As for the negotiations being a waste of money, it will likely be a waste of Ex’s money which is good as he is the one causing the agreement to be constantly bogged down and rewrites going back and forth.

millymollymoomoo · 31/05/2023 07:53

Unfortunately the reality is, whatever docs get signed, you can’t force someone to have their kids. A court order won’t make or enforce he has them at agreed times, only enforce you to make the children available at certain times.
crap but how it is
can tiu look to a student /babysitter arrangements for the Saturdays?

EllandRd · 31/05/2023 07:54

Get rid of the kids mobiles for a start, they are far too young to have them.

WilkinsonM · 31/05/2023 07:55

EllandRd · 31/05/2023 07:54

Get rid of the kids mobiles for a start, they are far too young to have them.

A 13 year old is not far too young for a mobile!

Hercisback · 31/05/2023 07:56

Do they need childcare at 9&13? I was babysitting for others at that age!

Don't sign anything you aren't happy with.

HadalyEve · 31/05/2023 07:57

EllandRd · 31/05/2023 07:54

Get rid of the kids mobiles for a start, they are far too young to have them.

They could be alone with a controlling, narcissistic man soon if not already and you think it’s a good idea to take away their only means of calling OP if they feel scared or upset and need her?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/05/2023 07:58

I think splitting phone costs if you want your dc to have them, is fair.

Do you think he’ll even stick to the agreement once it’s signed? I’d be lining up backups on the side, as PP has said.

Don’t sign until you’re happy.

peacelemon · 31/05/2023 07:59

This is ridiculous does he not want to see his own children? Sorry you're dealing with this shit

Paq · 31/05/2023 08:05

Could the 13 year old work for you on Saturdays? (Not ideal I know!)

Busybody2022 · 31/05/2023 08:14

Even if you get it properly written or a court order, it still wouldn't force him to have them.

Your 9 year old is the concern childcare wise, you may need to accept 2 grim years until they are 11 and then it should get a lot easier. I would focus on getting yourself into a position that you don't need him at all or he will forever have control over you.

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 09:23

@Hercisback my eldest nope, my youngest yes. My youngest is a bit of a daredevil and very different from his more sensible older brother. But older brother wouldnt stay in and look after him...he would hang out with mates. I really wouldnt feel comfy leaving youngest DS in his care for 12 hours whilst I worked a 30 min drive away

OP posts:

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 09:47

Busybody2022 · 31/05/2023 08:14

Even if you get it properly written or a court order, it still wouldn't force him to have them.

@busybody2022 I am trying, Currently holding down 1 30hy pw job, 1 0 hour contract virtual admin job and trying to set up my own wedding business. We live in a rural area and finding childcare to cover the shifts I need often up to midnight and beyond is challenging to say the least. Youngest DS hates the current childminder.

I set up my company under the previous arrangement where he had them 3 weekends out of 4.... but he now has a new partner and wants his social life back at the weekends. I took on weddings and work for this year in 2022 not realising it was going to change. I have such a headache trying to keep to the commitments. It may be just one extra weekend a month but its equating to an extra £200 childcare bill or loss of work. I have to look at the bigger picture I know but I am currently sitting here in tears as he is making me feel I am going crazy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 09:48

He is for a couple of jobs and we both love it!! He isn't the issue so much...he is very nearly 14 and very level headed. His little brother is not so

OP posts:

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 09:50

@DrMarciaFieldstone I literally have nothing else left to give financially. I am reliant on food banks, left over wedding food and universal credit despite 3 jobs. My rent is insane for a 2 bed flat here in south east. Then bills on top. I went without dinner yesterday as eldest DS asked a mate round for a sleep over and he had my portion. Obvs DS doesnt know that but its how I have to live right now.

OP posts:

Lefteyetwitch · 31/05/2023 09:55

Refuse to sign anything and just except he'll have them ad hoc.
He's free, you're screwed and any time he gives them is more then he has to.

Don't waste anymore money on this.

Conkersinautumn · 31/05/2023 09:56

My experience with a controlling ex is they will never stick to arrangements. They will wriggle out, cancel and just plain refuse. I've lost jobs as a result and there isn't anyone playing catch, there is no village. Its very difficult but my advice is to make things ex proof. Make plans only when there really is someone else to swoop in. I know that's utterly shit and shouldn't be the case. But they don't suddenly become decent humans he will always be an unreliable bastard

Guardiansofthegalaxi · 31/05/2023 10:01

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but it makes me so angry that some fathers can treat their children like pawns in their sick games. I know people say the children will see their fathers for what they are when they are older but that doesn’t make it any easier for the mothers who are just trying to survive. I’m sorry OP you are having to go through this. (I appreciate sometimes it’s the other way round but I say fathers in relation to this post).

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 20:35

Thanks everyone. Its been stressful tp say the least. Solicitor gone back to his today saying I am not happy to sign it as it stands.

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 31/05/2023 20:42

You are not even married. What are you spending all this money for and what kind of court order would you have expected if you had gone to court?
That solicitor bill would pay ten years of mobile phone contracts!
He is a knob and you can't force him to have the kids, no matter what he agrees in writing. Just make your peace with that and get as independent as possible. Perhaps the wedding business needs to go on hold for a few years if you don't have reliable childcare right now?

Original poster

Amblu81 · 31/05/2023 22:23

Not sure why being married or not comes into why I should or should not stick up for myself and our children.

I needed a solicitor involved twofold.... we own a house together which needs to be seperated and we need to come to some sort of agreement in terms of who the children live with and when. We tried mediation but he threw his toys out of the pram when he didn't get his own way. I want regular contact for the children, in a way where they know when they are with me, when they are with him, not him doing whatever he likes.

In retrospect, the backing of a solicitor has been helpful as it has stopped him taking the p@#* as much as he was, and I couldn't have achieved that without them. But its the whole agreement that has been drawn up that feels like a waste of time as he is now back tracking on everything.

And my wedding business is now or never, have graduslly grown it over last 2 years as need as much income as I can get to be able to get a sensible mortgage and provide a future. I am 40 something now and it is my choice to stay on the property ladder. I also love my wedding work, I have already had to leave my home, I am not prepared to quit my business now. I choose to add stress to my life with finding childcare as it is providing for my and my childrens future.

OP posts:

somedayMaybes · 31/05/2023 22:38

Advertise for a saturday babysitter

Mine are ages 9-13 and we pay £70 p day 9-5 saturday. Person takes them out then makes linch then is in house with them and also does anorher craft job.

Loads of people want casual cash in hand work. Your kids will call you too if anything odd happens.

Dont sweat it

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