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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother-in-law always wanting to visit...on her time??

21 replies

Nessamommy · 20/02/2008 16:29

My in-laws are great all around. But ever since we had our baby in October, she's had this idea that she's coming over every weekend to see him. I want grandparents to be a part of his life but I think every weekend is a bit much...isn't it? I think what really bothers me is that she just phones up and TELLS us they are coming over because they're in town (they live about 30 min. outside of our city). There have been times when they've just shown up. They usually phone on their way over though. Some friends think my mother-in-law is like this because she has 2 sons and has always told them what to do. My husband is pretty good at telling her to mind her own business when she has made suggestions about what we should do with our house, etc. but this is kind of touchy. How do you tell them that we don't want to see them every week? Some other reasons for this is because my husband works shift work lots and we would like some of our own family time. I think my mother-in law thinks that we are one whole family and doesn't see us as our own family unit. Also, my parents are split up and I don't think that it's fair that one set see my son while the other set don't every week. I just don't have time for 3 separate visits per week. My mother in law also phones every day pretty much....Is she in our lives too much or am I just over reacting?

OP posts:
LadybirdG · 20/02/2008 16:32

I don't think you should make a big deal out of it, as such - i.e. don't ring her and say "don't come over so often", but maybe next time they phone to say they're coming over, say "oh I'm sorry we're just about to go out, why don't you come for lunch on [insert sunday 2 weeks away's date here!] instead as we've got a lot on next week"

next time, say "oh I'm sorry, we've got friends comeing over, why don't we come to seeyou on X instead"

keep repeating until they get the hint!

belgo · 20/02/2008 16:32

go out when they visit maybe?

VictorianSqualor · 20/02/2008 16:39

How long do they stay for?
If it's half hopur every weekend then I can't see the problem, but maybe get DP to have a word with them about turning up pretty much unannounced, MIL lives the same distance away from us and she'd never (I think she may have done it once) just turn up at our house without pre-arrangement, we go to hers every other sunday and I often think she would like to see us more but as she knows we will go there it's almost like we do the visiting not them iyswim. could you try that?

itsahardknocklife · 20/02/2008 16:55

My inlaws used to come over every 2 weeks when our son was born. They too used to ring to 'tell' us they were coming. I won't go into the ins and outs, but it was very annoying and we didn't get on at all. My partner couldn't stand up to his dad so it just continued - until we moved over 200 miles away! Sorted

HonoriaGlossop · 20/02/2008 17:12

I think it's so hard for grandparents...so often on here I feel quite depressed when I read mother in law stuff from daughters in law because I won't ever have a daughter, only a son, and I know I am (judging from on here and all the men I know in RL) pretty much going to be dependent on the good will of ds' partner as to 'allowing' me to see any possible grandchildren...

Not getting at you Nessa, you sound v reasonable and as if you are very open to them visiting. But I do tend to think if they want to visit and it's not horrible for you in terms of there being any relationship problems, then let them come! You can keep it short if you want, tell them you're off out after half an hour if it's feeling too much. I tell you what, if they are going to play with your child and be really tuned in like that, your child will love it and have such a fantastic relationship with his grandparents, and now that ds is five, I have seen that develop and it's REALLY special. Worth lots of visits for IMO.

Gledhill · 20/02/2008 17:21

YANBU, next time say to her you want some family time ... just be honest with her. You need to start as you mean to go on, otherwise she'll forever be popping round unannounced.

aefondkiss · 20/02/2008 17:22

could you turn such regular visits into free child care? a break for you and your dh/dp to get stuff done, go out together? even just for an hour? or get the grandparents to take your wee one out for walk?

my MIL lives a huge distance from me, so I very rarely see her, my mum looks after my ds once a week, always stays over night, she visits my sil weekly too, my sil lives with my dad, who I see much less of, and never really on his own.

I treasure how close my Mum is to my children, and I tend to see all my family at weekends unless we are away.

If you can't face seeing your MIL then plan to be out when they are most likely to phone, or could you arrange for them to visit through the week? meet mil for coffee?

WallOfSilence · 20/02/2008 17:23

Personally I think you're over reacting.

If she didn't call or she didn't visit you would be complaining too.

It is so hard for grandparents. If they call too often or visit too much they are annoying. If they don't call or don't visit then they are accused of not being interested.

I don't think it's up to you to think it's fair that one set of GPs see him every week & the other don't. Surely it's up to your parents to choose when they come & visit.

You don't have time for 3 seperate visits each week? Jeez, I know having a baby is a busy time (I have 2) but surely you have time for visitors!

How long do they stay for when they visit?

WallOfSilence · 20/02/2008 17:26

Honoria, worry not. Dh is an only son & I think the world of his mam. Especially since I have had a son of my own.

I often joke to her that no girl will ever be good enough for my boy!

I would be lost without her! She is off on holiday for 2 weeks on Friday & I will miss her terribly, as will the kids!

Nessamommy · 20/02/2008 17:30

Thanks everyone! The visits are usually for 4 hrs or so, with them inviting themselves for dinner with us or whatever. Its hard to go out because he is only breastfed and refuses the bottle. We have invited them over during the week at times but they never come because they only want to come in on the weekends. I feel bad for my parents though who would love to come every weekend as well but tend to wait for us to invite them over.

OP posts:
WallOfSilence · 20/02/2008 17:36

Well, if invitation is the way you want to work it then you should have introduced it before baby was born.

I would never expect people to wait until they are invited to visit.

My brother has a wife who was brought up this way, she always expects us not to visit unless invited. Except she tends to only invite her family. I haven't seen my bro since Christmas eve at my mam's house. Neither have an of my sisters.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't ostracise/ze your dh's family, their feelings are as valid as yours.

Nessamommy · 20/02/2008 17:48

Wallofsilence, I would never ostracise my husband's parents...I initially said that I do want them to be part of his life...the role of a grandparent is very important. This was never an issue before he was born b/c they never came over as often. This has all started now that my son is born. In terms of them being invited...I'm not strict with inviting. If on occasion, they phoned and ASKED us if we were busy, maybe I would feel different. Lots of people in our lives will ask us if we are busy on a certain date and we will make plans for a visit. All in all, I have a wonderful relationship with them...I don't want to make it seem like I'm one of "those" types of daughter in laws. I just feel smothered a bit and don't know if I should feel this way or not.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 20/02/2008 18:05

thanks for that WOS, that's heartening

Nessa, if you feel smothered I think that's a sign that you could take a bit more control - if they phone and you really can't face seeing them, tell them that you are sorry to miss them but you're on your way out. They can't actually MAKE you see them; if as you say, they usually phone when on their way over, you do have the chance to be assertive and say, oh what a shame, we won't be in.

I think this is perfectly dealable with, you just need to take the initiative.

But I do have to agree with WOS, grandparents who don't want to be involved would be a worse problem IMO. As I say, as your child gets older you may actually start to love this arrangement because of the joy you see in their mutual relationship. And you could, when baby is older and more able to be left, take a leaf out of my SIL's book, and as soon as grandparents cross the threshold, hand over child and run out the door saying "oh, great now you're here I can just pop to...." and of course don't return till about five hours have elapsed

thefortbuilder · 20/02/2008 18:08

i agree with whoever suggested you say "actually we're just on our way out why don't you come over at x time instead" - or next time they are over sit down with PILs and go through your diary / calendar where you have a few other activities on it at the weekends and plan in their visits?

my PILs live in NZ and would give anything to be closer to ds. they generally come for 3/4 week long visits when they come which can be a bit tough, but they just want to spend time with him.

on the other hand my parents take it to the other extreme and wait to be invited, but when we do invite them they say "o'h well we'll check the diary and see what we have on" - I do feel like screaming down the phone at times "do you not want to see and spend time with your grandson????"

they can't win so relish the fact that they want to see the dgc, would you be upset if it were the other way around?

chipmonkey · 20/02/2008 18:10

Nessamommy, I would go out and leave them with your bottle-refusenik! My Mum was on the phone PDQ to get us home after 2 hours of wailing!

mamalocco · 20/02/2008 18:12

Personally I don't think YABU at all - wanting some time to yourselves doesn't mean you are ostracising you ILS. I would consider phoning someone to TELL them I was coming over extremely rude. Not that my friends/family are not made extremely welcome when they do come, nor do they have to wait for a formal invitation, but I do expect just the curtesy of asking whether we had any other plans.

Agree with LadybirdG - make excuses to reduce visits and perhaps go to them for a short visit mid week instead.

Nessamommy · 20/02/2008 19:57

Yes..thanks mamalocco! I definitely want my son to have a great relationship with his grandparents! I remember having terrific times with mine! I think I'm going to take the advice to say that we are busy more or whatever...I just feel bad if we don't have plans and I say we do..I don't really want to lie. Sometimes I just want some down time..but I don't think they would take it well if we told them that.

OP posts:
Winetimeisfinetime · 20/02/2008 20:13

Don't feel bad about putting them off from visiting - it's important to your new family unit to have some time alone together and if they can't see that for themselves then you have to do what you need to do to ensure it happens. We had very similar problems when my ds was born with my pil not being sensitive to the fact that we needed time alone - in the end I { as my dh wouldn't stand up to them }had to tactfully say something but they didn't take it well at all. Hopefully your pil will be more reasonable but ime they might take it better if it is your dh that speaks to them.

Nessamommy · 23/02/2008 01:49

I don't feel so bad anymore...My MIL was going to come over today "sometime" and I said that I had some plans in the afternoon so I was wondering what time she thought. She couldn't answer so I rescheduled my plans for the morning instead...trying to accomodate her. I phoned her in the afternoon to say that she could come anytime and she said she wasn't coming into town anymore and that she would come on the weekend...not specifying when or what day!!! GRRRR! I'm starting to get upset and thinking that she may just be doing this on purpose..(she has 2 sons and is used to being in control of the family). Now I may just be going crazy but that's how I feel. Now I don't know if I should just plan my weekend as usual or if I should be more flexible to be accomodating. Am I overthinking everything?

OP posts:
GerrardWinstanley · 23/02/2008 02:45

she's not planning her weekend around you so don't plan yours around her.

I felt overwhelmed by the inlaws for the first six months and had to adopt the motto, better be thought a bitch than a pushover. Just like you, my family was always careful to check their visits were ok while some of the inlaws were so overwhelmed with the new addition and their 'need' to see her that they disregarded the needs of our new little family.

I kept my MIL on the doorstep one day after one unannounced visit too many. Things got better after that. I'm very grateful for loving, involved grandparents but do feel that in those early weeks that MIL was so obsessed with her new status as grandparent that she overlooked that I had become a mum and her son had become a dad.

It is ok to tell the world to sod off for a day so you can sit and gaze at your beautiful baby.

Flllightattendant · 23/02/2008 06:58

It sounds as though she is perhaps unconsciously afraid of losing control of the situation, or something...Until we fell out last year (ex was a twit and really not very nice) his mother was just like that - but not quite so pleasant in the end. She was apparently on 'my' side after ex left me when I was pregnant, but once I'd had the baby, she kept ringing me and telling me she was coming round. He was 2 weeks old, I barely knew her, and was feeling awful trying to cope post birth with my older son as well. I said, could she perhaps come on a different day as I needed some space and wasn't really up to visitors, and she sulked and refused, sauying she was coming on her own on that day. I said come tomorrow then, and she grudgingly agreed but was really shirty about it. In the ened I rang and left a message saying please not to come at all, as I didn't want to see her when we were obviously both not in the best frame of mind to get on. I never heard back and what's more, her horrible son never even showed up for his visit the next weekend - no phone call or anything.
She was obviously used to being in charge (he often told me she got her own way, with everything, even threatening to 'set her on me' so she could 'sort me out' when I wouldn't do what he said before we split!)
I think finding that I stood up to her was too hard for her to cope with, and she didn't want a relationship where she wasn't in charge, so she fecked off. (guilty )
I got a letter about 6 months later saying she had been left some money to give her grandchildren, could I contact her, but it was adressed wrongly and only got her cos of my kind postman, so I ignored it and she doesn't know I got it. I think it was another attempt to harness some control, but hey ho.
Some people just can't deal with not being the boss I think.
Good luck, I hope you manage to regain some control over your own weekends.

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