Help / advice : friend never talks about herself…

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

In our group of friends (we’re all in out 30’s) there is a one woman who kind of dips in and out, she seems totally nice.
I get the impression she’s very shy/quiet and keeps things very private, but she never talk about herself, all these years, I don’t really know anything about her.

I don’t want to push and scare her, but I’ve been wondering if she’s lonely. To my understanding, the little I know about her, she’s an only child, no parents, I don’t think there’s any partner….

She listens (very well😆) and seems interested in other people’s lives and participates in that sense.

I know, I should just leave it and let her be the way she is right? Yeah, I know.
I don’t know, I’ve grown little more closer to her, believe it or not and now I’ve just staryed to wonder if there’s anything I can do.

Some people are like this but I don’t understand what you mean by push her and scare her? Surely you could, say, ask her if she reads and if so what does she enjoy? Been watching anything good on tv? What work is it she does? Build up to more personal stuff very gradually if it feels right.

We have a member of a group I’ve belonged to for 20 years who says very little. She’s an observer more than a contributor (some are definitely doing her share of this for her) but on a one to one she’s easy to talk to.

Generally I’ve found people like this are more comfortable talking one to one or in a smaller group than addressing a crowd.

Definitely build up to it. PP has some good suggestions

She listens (very well😆) and seems interested in other people’s lives and participates in that sense.

If I had £1 for every get together where I listened to everyone else & asked questions, but no one asked me a question, I could buy myself a gold plated car with diamond wheel nuts.

Do you ask her questions and she declined to answer/ deflects or do you just mean she doesn't proactively offer details about her life?

I have a feeling it might be the second. If so, try asking her more.

I don't love just talking about myself unprompted unless it's close friends or topics in common as I always assume people don't want to know and I find it s bit overwhelming when people I don't know that well spill a load of personal info but am happy to talk if someone has shown interest.

She probably shares more than you realise

I used to be that woman, OP. I loved company but was hampered by crippling shyness, low self-esteem and was dreadfully self-conscious.

I never volunteered any information about myself as I thought I was boring and couldn't think of anything to mention that people might be interested in. This was compounded by the fact that no-one ever asked me about myself, which seemed to confirm that they wouldn't want to know anyway.

Even if a moment came up where I could have said something, my self-consciousness stopped me, in the belief that if I spoke after being quiet for so long I would draw attention to myself, make a fool of myself etc.

As a PP has said, one-to-one conversations were so much easier - you couldn't shut me up then! Your friend may not have any of the social issues I had but would suggest you gently ask her about herself, nothing too intrusive to begin with, and see if you can build it up from there. If she's not responsive then I guess you need to leave it but if she gives you any encouragement then perhaps having lunch or something where it's just the two of you might make it easier for her to open up, if she wants to.

I wish people would ask me questions, or at least show an interest. I always enquire after family, work, interests, whatever. People tell me how well their children and grandchildren are doing, but don’t ask about mine.

Because they don’t seem to want to know, it feels like boasting to mention any successes or news, but I get fed up of hearing about how fantastic they are when no one wants to know anything about my lot.

I always ask questions because it’s polite and it starts a conversation.

Ask her gently about her childhood

I wouldn't go straight from "I barely know anything about you" to "tell me about your childhood". Best to take it slow like other people recommended.