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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely perplexed over random voice notes.

22 replies

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:12

Earlier in the year, I was fresh out of breakup and started talking to someone new online. He was friendly but quite pushy for photos etc, I never sent anything too revealing and brushed off the attempted dirty talk with ‘haha, naughty you!’ etc.

He did ask me to take him for a drive one night but I said I was with a friend so it would be the 3 of us. He was fine with that and acted normally and pleasant.

The next day he had made some more sexualized messages and I just explained that I’m a mum, I’m busy, not ready for something heavy and I don’t want to get used either.

He deleted me after saying I was selfish and wanted everything my way.

3 months on, he has now messaged me several voice notes saying that I led him on, flirted and didn’t give out and that he’s got every right to be pissed off.

I apologized and said that I’m sorry if he felt led on and perhaps it was a case of I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. He is now saying this is why my ex must have got rid of me because it’s all my way or no way. Leading him on for nothing.

I am really upset and not sure what to do? It feels so so intense to be sent abuse based on the fact that I never slept with him. Or even kissed, nothing!

OP posts:

Motnight · 30/05/2023 16:13

Block him. You don't owe him anything, certainly not an apology.

MsChatterbox · 30/05/2023 16:13

All you need to do is block and be glad you haven't wasted the last 3 months with him.

CindersAgain · 30/05/2023 16:13

Block him and don’t give him anymore of your thoughts.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 30/05/2023 16:14

Block him.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 30/05/2023 16:14

he sounds like an incel - get him blocked!

Original poster

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:15

I have just blocked him. On everything, as they were coming through via WhatsApp, messenger and then Snapchat.

Urgh, I feel like I’m such a horrible person now because I didn’t progress to sleeping with him. This is why it’s easier to just say yes, because if you don’t this is the hell you get.

OP posts:

cardibach · 30/05/2023 16:17

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:15

I have just blocked him. On everything, as they were coming through via WhatsApp, messenger and then Snapchat.

Urgh, I feel like I’m such a horrible person now because I didn’t progress to sleeping with him. This is why it’s easier to just say yes, because if you don’t this is the hell you get.

Eh? How does it make it easier to sleep with them. You should have blocked immediately he said anything you didn’t like. It’s not ‘hell’ it’s a totally manageable exchange.

bussteward · 30/05/2023 16:17

The Venn diagram of men, voice notes and “things that are terrible” is a circle.

StrawberrySquash · 30/05/2023 16:17

Ugh. He sounds unpleasant! Bullet dodged there. No, you didn't lead him on; you saw how things went and they didn't happen to go there. That's a perfectly normal state of affairs he just needs to accept.

Original poster

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:18

Just feel that I clearly must have done something very wrong for the level of anger 3 months on.

I felt so pushed by his wanting to see photos all of the time. Just demanding in a sense like ‘peach, out. Now. Photo’

OP posts:

greennotepad · 30/05/2023 16:20

Have you done much online dating? There are often a lot of men like this- if you reject them (for whatever reason) they don't take it well.

My advice would be to block, forget him, and grow a thicker skin.

GwinCoch · 30/05/2023 16:21

Sounds like the type of idiot who thinks that Tinder is the equivalent of the Argos catalogue for sex. Blocking was the right decision. Don’t feel bad for a second, you’ve not done anything wrong. Onwards and upwards!

Original poster

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:21

This was my first time. And it was not real online dating as in a stranger, I did know him 16 years ago when I was 15 through school friends.

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 30/05/2023 16:22

Block him, he sounds like a psycho.

Next time I’d be less quick to gloss over harassment/ inappropriate behaviour in the early stages. So clearly say “No I absolutely won’t be sending photos any time, doesn’t turn me on and not my thing.” Just call it out immediately. If the person can’t handle it then better to find out sooner rather than later. I’m not saying this to blame you at all, it’s totally not your fault, but it’s better to set boundaries early and stick to them.

ConstitutionHill · 30/05/2023 16:23

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:18

Just feel that I clearly must have done something very wrong for the level of anger 3 months on.

I felt so pushed by his wanting to see photos all of the time. Just demanding in a sense like ‘peach, out. Now. Photo’

No. You clearly have NOT done anything wrong. Some times people get angry and demanding cos they are rude, entitled arseholes. Why on earth do you assume that you must have done something wrong?

CanofCant · 30/05/2023 16:25

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:21

This was my first time. And it was not real online dating as in a stranger, I did know him 16 years ago when I was 15 through school friends.

He sounds like a fucking freak and being a classmate of someone half a lifetime ago is not the same as knowing someone.

This is all on him, please don't feel that you are in the wrong or that you should have slept with him to keep the peace.

Askil · 30/05/2023 16:34

@cardibach I don't get it either. How is sleeping with them an easier option than just pushing a button to block? what hell is @OP living through that isn't in her power to stop? I don't even understand why OP sent any photos 'but not too revealing'. You're a woman in her 30s where do you draw the line? Have women lost the ability to just say, 'No' even over whattsapp?

Ladyoftheknight · 30/06/2023 13:06

So you didn't want anything heavy or sex? Why talk to him? For future reference, just set boundaries and be an adult and leave if they don't respect you

FurElsie · 30/06/2023 14:49

Waffleknit · 30/05/2023 16:18

Just feel that I clearly must have done something very wrong for the level of anger 3 months on.

I felt so pushed by his wanting to see photos all of the time. Just demanding in a sense like ‘peach, out. Now. Photo’

Yuk slimy, disgusting, entitled creep. You just came across a v. bad one, probably been to those andrew tate seminars. Please change your thinking on this, as just about every reply is telling you the same thing. You did nothing wrong 💕

momtoboys · 30/06/2023 14:53

Just block him. Why are you wasting any energy on thinking about this?

samestyle · 30/06/2023 15:06

No need to apologise to creeps like this, he's just bitter that no one's giving him attention.

I'm very careful about who I give my number to online for this reason, sadly the majority behave like this. Just keep him blocked.

BallantyneValentine · 30/06/2023 15:14

You need to consider why any of this is your responsibility @Waffleknit

To anyone reading this there is something clearly very wrong with this man yet you are taking responsibility for his failings. This is seriously deep programming inside of you that you need to rewrite.

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