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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with antenatal class.

31 replies

PecanNut00 · 30/05/2023 15:57

I don't know if I was expecting too much but I am really disappointed with how hard it has been to make friends in our antenatal class. Am I being unreasonable to have expected more?

We've been going to Happy Parent Happy Baby classes in London and one of the main reasons for wanting to do it was to meet/make friends with other people having kids in our area. Only 3 of the classes have been in person, the rest online. The company set up a WhatsApp group for us and there are 28 people on it. Around 10 of us went to the pub after one of the classes and about 5 of us mums-to-be have been doing a yoga class together a few times. But no one gives the impression that they are looking to get to know new people.

The company suggested that the dads might wish to set up a separate group and arrange social things but one alpha guy in the group was vocal in saying he wasn't interested and essentially shut down the idea

They warn you that being a new parent can get really lonely so I was hoping to form a solid group of new parent friends.

We are due to have a final social pub meet up next week and only 5 of the 28 people have said they are attending.

I don't know if there's anything I should be doing to encourage more meet ups or connections with these people. I know in London we are all so busy and life is stressful but I was hoping for more tbh. like, does no one else feel the same way I do?!

OP posts:
17caterpillars1mouse · 30/05/2023 16:08

Maybe focus on the people who are turning up to things. You don't need 28 new mum friends.

Also although disappointing, it won't be the only way to make mum friends. I didn't do any antenatal classes but made mum friends after baby was born at different baby classes and mum and toddler groups. Not 28 though

underneaththeash · 30/05/2023 16:10

I personally think that's far too many people!

Hugasauras · 30/05/2023 16:11

I think those big kind of groups don't really work for anything other than superficial photo sharing. If you're lucky you might click with a couple of women and you can arrange meetings with them one on one or in a smaller group, but almost 30 people is not conducive to making meaningful friendships.

You'll probably have better luck signing up to something like baby massage or a baby group or something and talking to the women there.

Needmorelego · 30/05/2023 16:11

Just go to your local library Rhyme Time or whatever they do.
They are usually free.

Ijustdontcare · 30/05/2023 16:11

I found in our NCT group that a lot of people were not chatty while still pregnant and might still be at work etc. Once the babies were all here and started attending baby groups with them, that things got a lot more open and friendly

CindersAgain · 30/05/2023 16:12

The Nct class I went to was six couples. That was plenty. Meet the five and have a nice time.

Chanel05 · 30/05/2023 16:12

Way too many. There will be people feeling the same as you.

Put yourself out there and ask if anyone wants to meet for coffee next Saturday as a separate event (gives people plenty of time them) at x location. Anyone want to join? Whoever responds, set up a separate group chat.

Hugasauras · 30/05/2023 16:13

My antenatal group with DD1 was only about 7 people, and only 5 of us made to the WhatsApp group. One left after a year or so but the remaining four of us talk daily and see each other all the time still, four years later. My friend ended up in one of those 30-people monstrosities for her antenatal groups and said it was totally overwhelming and no one spoke about anything of consequence or obviously wanted to share anything personal with so many people, so she spent ages just liking everyone's photos until she realised it was a waste of time and left!

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 16:13

underneaththeash · 30/05/2023 16:10

I personally think that's far too many people!

Agreed. It works much better when it's a smaller group as you can actually get to know people. 28 couples is way too many people.

I'd focus on the 5 who attend the meet up, 5 is plenty.

Janefx40 · 30/05/2023 16:14

As @Ijustdontcare says, our NCT group really bonded after the babies were born. When we were all up in the night or had questions on breastfeeding, we used to send messages. Then we started doing swimming together. We are all very different people so only one has become a close friend but the others are lovely and have been a great support/ network/gang to be part of! Give it time x

pjani · 30/05/2023 16:14

Hey you’ve got 5 people who are individually just as keen as you are! Set up a smaller WhatsApp group with them. Honestly having a baby at the same time is a massive connector, so you’ll have so much to talk about and share once you give birth. So if they seem keen, cut out the rest (and add more later if need be). 28 isn’t a workable number anyway.

nosykids · 30/05/2023 16:14

My NCT group fell apart very quickly, but I know others who have made very good friends through theirs - it's mostly down to luck unfortunately. I did end up meeting other mums at baby groups and so on and found this better and more natural than throwing a random group of couples together.

JellyBelly50 · 30/05/2023 16:16

Our antenatal group chat went quiet but one of the ladies on there reached out and mentioned meeting up for a club and cake afterwards. Now a few of us are meeting up next Thursday. So I would say put yourself out there, be the one to put the offer out there. Maybe some of the mums are lonely but are too afraid to write about meeting up on the group. Also 5 to go to the pub is plenty. Even if you just meet with one other mum I feel like that’s a bonus

shivawn · 30/05/2023 16:28

Try the Peanut app OP, I made good friends there during my pregnancy that I'm still good friends with now. I reached out to people around my age and due around the same time as me.

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 16:31

Have you actually had your baby? I actually did HPHB too and it doesn’t really develop into a friendship until you’ve all had the babies and it’s more organic.

shakeitoffsis · 30/05/2023 16:34

I wouldn't go to an antenatal class to make friends I'd go to learn information about birth and beyond.

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 16:36

shakeitoffsis · 30/05/2023 16:34

I wouldn't go to an antenatal class to make friends I'd go to learn information about birth and beyond.

To be fair that's why 99% of people would attend a class it's often said the likes of NCT classes are basically a way of buying mum friends.

I don't know anyone who went for the actual information, especially now it's all readily available online.

shakeitoffsis · 30/05/2023 16:38

@MuffinToSeeHere totally disagree with you. I can guarantee my friends would never go to a class like this hoping to make long term friendships. They would purely go for information.

quietnightmare · 30/05/2023 16:42

5 is plenty

I've made loads of friends in baby groups AFTER my baby was born. As it was lockdown when I was pregnant there was nothing available pre baby not even online because if there was any online there were no more spaces. Can't have 1000 mums to be on one Skype call.

MuffinToSeeHere · 30/05/2023 16:43

shakeitoffsis · 30/05/2023 16:38

@MuffinToSeeHere totally disagree with you. I can guarantee my friends would never go to a class like this hoping to make long term friendships. They would purely go for information.

You are more than welcome to disagree with me but it's not exactly an uncommon reason for attending antenatal groups and in my experience and from what I've seen on MN over the years it's the general consensus otherwise why would people spend hundreds to access information they can get for free, easily online or from books or from the courses own websites.

Whether you or your friends would the majority who go to such courses are paying for the convenience of being introduced to people having babies at the same time as them so they can share the experience and hopefully make some friends who have similar aged babies to share the experience with.

itssquidstella · 30/05/2023 16:43

I made one friend via Peanut, one via a London-wide Facebook group for women due in May, and four good friends through my NCT group (eight couples in total, all of whom are lovely but three live further away so we see less of them).

That was plenty to ensure I always had someone to see during maternity leave. Now I’m back at work, it's hard to find the time to see them as much as I'd like!

moonlight1705 · 30/05/2023 16:47

I was in a small group with 4 other couples. It was quite obvious I was the oldest there and the odd one out.

I saw the other four at a baby group together once who all studiously blanked me....luckily I had made another mum friend or two elsewhere.

Sometimes things just don't click but you'll always have an opportunity to find people in the future.

Ijustdontcare · 30/05/2023 16:48

shakeitoffsis · 30/05/2023 16:38

@MuffinToSeeHere totally disagree with you. I can guarantee my friends would never go to a class like this hoping to make long term friendships. They would purely go for information.

Every one in my group including me has admitted they signed up for NCT to make mum friends. We were having a baby at a stage where all our friends either had no kids or their kids were 5+ already. All the info we got from NCT we could have easily found online or free web classes. The draw of the class was 100% to connect with a couple of other women who were having babies close to us.

Original poster
PecanNut00 · 30/05/2023 17:28

Ijustdontcare · 30/05/2023 16:11

I found in our NCT group that a lot of people were not chatty while still pregnant and might still be at work etc. Once the babies were all here and started attending baby groups with them, that things got a lot more open and friendly

That's reassuring. Hopefully this will happen for us too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PecanNut00 · 30/05/2023 17:32

Sissynova · 30/05/2023 16:31

Have you actually had your baby? I actually did HPHB too and it doesn’t really develop into a friendship until you’ve all had the babies and it’s more organic.

No, not until July. So hopefully the friendships will come in time once the babies are born. Fingers crossed!

OP posts: