Helping someone with esteem issues?

[Lostwifehelp]

Is it actually possible or does it always have to come from within?

My husband is really struggling with his self worth. Work-related issues seem to have triggered questions about his self worth that now extend to every aspect of his life. I know therapy can help but it’s not something he is willing to engage in right now.

Anyone who loves him and values him is “deluded” and he is the only one who is seeing things for what they really are. He wants to stop letting people down (nobody has said this?) and can only do that by detaching from everyone and isolating himself. His response to anyone telling him how loved and valued he is, is always “I don’t want praise or compliments from people”. Should I carry on telling him how much he is valued or does it make it worse if a person is unwilling to believe it?

I think the answer is probably that he will only see his own worth when he is ready, but I want to make sure if there is anything I can possibly do, that I have tried it.

From my own extol dealing with self worth issues here is what I found worked best. Be honest with him, that you love him, that you find him so amazing, give him very specific and concrete examples about his amazingness because when you are in a downward spiral it can seem like people are just trying to placate and patronise you.

Then tell him you need him to snap out of this mindset because you absolutely need him, your children need him, shift the focus from him. Tell him you are struggling without him, tell him you can’t be as available to the kids without him. A lot of people can move from a place of shame to a place of value by genuinely feeling the value that they bring to other people’s lives. Toxic shame is what is driving his current feelings if you can shift the focus to him being a contributor again that will really help in my experience.

If he won't engage with therapy would he be willing to read? This book is full of 'no nonsense' advice on how to 'be' better, rather than 'feel' better;

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/1544509138/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

@Fiddlededeefiddlededoh Yeah maybe I do need to be more specific. I’ve sort of avoided that because I feel like it’s a bit reductionist and there is so much that makes a person loved and valued that is so hard to articulate, but maybe he does need to hear specifics.

Telling him it’s affecting me won’t help though because he is in a deep depression and his solution is to cut everyone off because he has nothing to give etc so it will probably only reinforce his idea that everyone’s better off without him.

@Eyesopenwideawake Thanks. Looks like a great book. Unfortunately at the moment he’s dismissive of anything like therapy or self help books. He just seems to want to wallow in his misery and deny there is anything wrong with his way of thinking.

It's never a good sign when you are more invested in helping someone than they are in helping themselves. Has he seen a doctor to get help with depression?

Since complimenting him isn't working, maybe stop. Start thanking him when he does something that isn't misery-wallowing instead. At the moment, the wallowing is working to get him huge doses of attention and validation from you - and nothing is changing. So a change of approach can't really make things worse, can it?

But he needs to be the one drivng the change, not you. There's a difference between being supportive and being enabling, and it's impossible to support a person who isn't stepping up for themself.

It's never a good sign when you are more invested in helping someone than they are in helping themselves.

This

And the rest of wot @ChristmasFluff said. This is something you really can't do for him, it really does need to come from him.

That's why it's called self esteem.

There is help out there including Nathaniel Brandon's https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheSixPillarsofSelf-Esteem