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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to buy mil a birthday present?

39 replies

HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 10:27

AIBU not to buy mil a birthday present?

She moaned on Mother's Day that she didn't get a gift off us and said it was cruel, she didn't get a gift because I was in hospital over the week of Mother's Day with ds who nearly died.
When we did get round to getting her a box of chocolates she moaned and said that nobody ever buys her a good present.

I brought her a few presents for Christmas and she came round wearing one a while later saying SIL brought it for her which I found quite rude she couldn't even be bothered to remember who brought it for her.

It's her birthday today AIBU not to buy her anything and just let DH deal with it who will no doubt end up buying her another box of chocolates? Grin

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/05/2023 11:55

Well she should have raised her son to be more considerate of other people if it means that much to her. Not your job to compensate for her bad parenting. Stop getting involved and leave them to it.

Napmum · 30/05/2023 11:57

HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 10:36

I do usually, but my son who was in hospital has been extremely unwell again so my focus has been on my child. How terrible of me I guess. Hmm

Show quote history

You're definitely not the terrible one here. DH needs to step up and buy her something nice, at least a Yanki candle or a scarf. Just send him to a local craft/gift shop.

Some people have crap memories, so I wouldn't worry too much about her getting mixed up about who got her what.

I do agree it's bad form for her to complain about the Mothers Day present if your son was in hospital, but this is really DH issue, not yours

BarbaraofSeville · 30/05/2023 12:14

Why are you even giving this headspace?

She doesn't sound very nice, or grateful and it's not your job to get her a gift anyway.

If she moans at you, just respond with an airy 'oh, did DH not get you anything' and change the subject.

I'm sure DH will be able to find a gift if he puts a bit of thought into it, not that it sounds like she'll be happy with anything, but that's for him to deal with.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/05/2023 12:16

shiningstar2 · 30/05/2023 10:44

Give her a gift voucher for a modest sum you can afford for somewhere generic like m and s. If she can't find anything at all she wants in clothes, shoes, household ext she can use it for food or wine.

This is probably the best solution. Tell DH to do this if he brings it up again.

ferneytorro · 30/05/2023 12:19

HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 10:58

That's what I'm doing now, putting my foot down. He's always wanted to get her presents in the past just didn't have a clue what to get her as she always wants money and not handing over money as a present to someone who isn't a child.
I'm not stressing but I just know there'll be complaints later which my brain can't take today as I've been up 3 nights on the trot with ds being poorly. Might just tell him to drop off whatever he gets her to her house instead save myself the headache today. Grin

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But you are still getting involved! Just don't mention it at all, if she says anything look blank and say i think you are speaking to the wrong person.

Softoprider · 30/05/2023 12:20

So she moans about not getting presents and she moans when she does get presents. You won't give her money so give her store vouchers. She can choose her own present and when she says someone else bought it you won't even care. Job done

madnessitellyou · 30/05/2023 12:21

Is your MIL seven? Has she really not twigged that the mass hysteria over Mother's Day has been created by the likes of Hallmark?

I know my dc love me. I don't need anything to confirm that. My own dm can't be bothered. Neither can MIL.

Anyway, she didn't get anything because her grandson was ill in hospital. Most normal people wouldn't even give a lack of acknowledgement a second thought in these circumstances.

Let DH sort a birthday gift for her and let her get on with her sad, hateful life.

Talipesmum · 30/05/2023 12:21

I don’t know any backstory here but if she wants money then that’s the most low effort thing - your DH can stick a note in a card and job done. Doesn’t sound like she deserves anything after acting like that but I’d just hand over cash in a card to tick the box. Pointless saying “we don’t give money if you’re not a child” - i don’t understand that sentiment at all and seems like you’re holding to pointless principles here.

Runnerduck34 · 30/05/2023 12:23

She was unreasonable and very insensitive to moan about a lack of mothers day gift when at the time your child was seriuosly ill in hospital.

However IF your DH is crap and thoughtless about buying her a gift at other times then I can see why shes a bit upset. A box of chocolates is a " cant be bothered to give it any thought so will just stop at a petrol station enroute" gift . Clearly if you child is very ill in hospital then thats understandable
But if thats what your DH usually does anyway it probably does feel to her like shes not valued or important to him.
But get him to buy her gifts, hes her son so really he should be doing it not you.

Original poster
HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 12:26

Runnerduck34 · 30/05/2023 12:23

She was unreasonable and very insensitive to moan about a lack of mothers day gift when at the time your child was seriuosly ill in hospital.

However IF your DH is crap and thoughtless about buying her a gift at other times then I can see why shes a bit upset. A box of chocolates is a " cant be bothered to give it any thought so will just stop at a petrol station enroute" gift . Clearly if you child is very ill in hospital then thats understandable
But if thats what your DH usually does anyway it probably does feel to her like shes not valued or important to him.
But get him to buy her gifts, hes her son so really he should be doing it not you.

She's had lots of nice gifts before that.
Bottles of spirits that are pricey she likes, money for a horse (yeah you read that right), horsey type presents that weren't cheap, nice clothes, nice perfumes, canvases. Etc.

The problem is SIL gets her a generic gift like flowers and she doesn't dare moan at her but will at us. That's another reason why I've had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 12:27

@ferneytorro that's true, infact I'll say that if she says anything. Thank you.

OP posts:
escapingthecity · 30/05/2023 12:31

Not your mother, not your problem. Tell your DH his mother's presents are his responsibility from now on. If she complains at you, stick with "take it up with DH". Repeat until she gets the message

wildlifeobserver1 · 30/05/2023 12:32

I don’t know why you’ve taken on the job of getting her gifts. If your DH forgets to get anything, that’s on him. It’s his mother.

Runnerduck34 · 30/05/2023 12:43

HadEnough2023 · 30/05/2023 12:26

She's had lots of nice gifts before that.
Bottles of spirits that are pricey she likes, money for a horse (yeah you read that right), horsey type presents that weren't cheap, nice clothes, nice perfumes, canvases. Etc.

The problem is SIL gets her a generic gift like flowers and she doesn't dare moan at her but will at us. That's another reason why I've had enough.

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So maybe her comments were more about your SIL ( her daughter??) and she was venting? Eitherway let DH deal with it! Your gifts to her sound thoughtful and nice.

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