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Original poster

Engagement Nightmare

50 replies

bridetobe101 · 29/05/2023 21:52

I am really struggling at the moment. Approximately one week after getting engaged my Mom fell out with me and my now fiancé. My Mom erupted at what was essentially a small engagement party for us. When I got in touch with her afterwards to tell her how upset I was and that I would really like it if she could apologise, she has refused. I have distanced myself but I am being made to feel like the worst daughter ever. It’s so upsetting and what was meant to be a happy time has been not very happy at all. I just needed a place to share this and wondered if there are any others who have been in a similar situation? With love, a very stressed bride to be :(

OP posts:
BreaktheCycle · 29/05/2023 22:53

Sounds like she likes the attention to always be on her. I’ve got some of these types in my family. Ignore her and let her come to you and apologise. She was out of order, so stand your ground. She’ll soon realise that she’ll need to behave herself if she wants to included in your wedding planning. But, be careful she doesn’t try to take over. They’ll be more erupting to come. Was alcohol involved?
You should have called her out for her bad behaviour, not your Fiancé.

TimesRwo · 29/05/2023 23:00

What do you mean he spoke with “more authority”?

Your mum was being unreasonable but it wasn’t your fiancé’s place to tell her off.

Also, it’s not really an engagement nightmare. It’s entirely unrelated to your engagement.

Summerfun54321 · 29/05/2023 23:01

I wouldn't tell my inlaws off. I would glare at my other half in a really awkward but obvious way until they did something about it. It seems like an odd dynamic where maybe you are afraid to raise anything with your mum but your DH doesn't pander to her.

thecatinthetwat · 29/05/2023 23:01

if she is like this often, then it might be wise to manage her yourself rather than your fiancé stepping in. It just might be easier all round. But no you aren’t in the wrong and haven’t done anything to feel guilty about. Just wait for her to get in touch I say. Don’t let her spoil anything for you op. She’s really just spoiling this for herself.

Zarataralara · 29/05/2023 23:14

Had she been drinking, maybe too much?
She was rude to raise her voice in your home.

Oubliette86 · 29/05/2023 23:15

TimesRwo · 29/05/2023 23:00

What do you mean he spoke with “more authority”?

Your mum was being unreasonable but it wasn’t your fiancé’s place to tell her off.

Also, it’s not really an engagement nightmare. It’s entirely unrelated to your engagement.

I’m assuming OP means he said it more firmly after she disregarded his request the first time & it absolutely is his place to say something if it’s presumably his home too. I absolutely wouldn’t put up with being disrespected in my own home & I don’t care who it is.

Obviously I’m generalising here, but people are often conditioned to put up & shut up with bad behaviour from their own family members & almost get desensitised to it; it often takes an “outsider” to say something.

TimesRwo · 29/05/2023 23:29

Oubliette86 · 29/05/2023 23:15

I’m assuming OP means he said it more firmly after she disregarded his request the first time & it absolutely is his place to say something if it’s presumably his home too. I absolutely wouldn’t put up with being disrespected in my own home & I don’t care who it is.

Obviously I’m generalising here, but people are often conditioned to put up & shut up with bad behaviour from their own family members & almost get desensitised to it; it often takes an “outsider” to say something.

Show quote history

Agreed. There’s plenty DH has pointed out about my mum that I never realised was poor behaviour previously…but DH raises with me. He would never raise his voice at my mum. Instead he would speak to me and I would speak to my mum. Same with his mum - any issues, I raise with DH.

So whilst an outsider can break the toxic nature of a relationship, there are other ways it can be done.

To be fair I misread and thought it happened at the mum’s home and it was the mum’s neighbours. But it was for OP to deal with it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/05/2023 23:49

How many bottles of wine?

Lizzt2007 · 29/05/2023 23:53

MissTrip82 · 29/05/2023 22:27

Your mum was in the wrong to behave like that.

Not sure what you mean by your partner speaking to her with ‘more authority’. He of course has no authority over a grown (older) woman.

He has authority over guests behaviour in his own home. He's quite within his rights to expect a certain level of behaviour and object to anyone, adult or not, failing to meet that standard.

Oubliette86 · 30/05/2023 00:16

TimesRwo · 29/05/2023 23:29

Agreed. There’s plenty DH has pointed out about my mum that I never realised was poor behaviour previously…but DH raises with me. He would never raise his voice at my mum. Instead he would speak to me and I would speak to my mum. Same with his mum - any issues, I raise with DH.

So whilst an outsider can break the toxic nature of a relationship, there are other ways it can be done.

To be fair I misread and thought it happened at the mum’s home and it was the mum’s neighbours. But it was for OP to deal with it.

Show quote history

Firstly nowhere does OP say her fiancé raised his voice though, it’s perfectly possible to say something with more authority & not raise your voice. You seem to be attributing actions to OP’s fiancé that wasn’t said while completely disregarding what OP did say, which is that her mother was ‘shouting nasty things’ so if anyone had raised their voice, it was OP’s mother & didn’t stop even when she was asked to politely.

Secondly, I absolutely agree that general issues / behaviour should be discussed as a couple & then raised by the person who is related to the “offender” if the matter can wait, but in this case OP’s mother was shouting nasty things & it needed to be stopped right then in the moment, so if OP wasn’t going to say anything then her fiancé had absolutely every right to say something. No way would I put up with someone shouting nasty things in my own home, especially after they had politely been asked to stop & refused.

It’s important to remember that any problems with the neighbours doesn’t just affect OP but her fiancé too, it’s all very well for OP’s mother who will bugger off after dinner but it’s OP & her fiancé who will have to deal with any neighbourly fall out.

Grumpy67i8 · 30/05/2023 01:42

That scene was for you to manage, not your fiance. You put him in that position and need to decide how to move forward. No future MIL would like to be put in her place by the future son in law.

barmycatmum · 30/05/2023 01:47

Congratulations on your engagement!

she sounds like a lot of work :(
I would not be reaching out to her. Let her stew in her own bad behavior & focus on your future.

TheHandbag · 30/05/2023 07:37

Tbh if I were you r fiancé, I would break up with you and run a mile from you and your family. It's only going to get worse with your mum and there will nothing but drama.

PickledPurplePickle · 30/05/2023 07:41

Well done to your fiance for pulling your mum up on her behaviour

Your Mum was in the wrong - she is the one who should be apologising

You should have backed you your fiance

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 07:44

I have a mum like yours OP. Regularly says vile things about other people knowing they can hear. I’m completely NC with her. Best thing I ever did!

She won’t like the fact your DP is standing up to her (and it’s perfectly reasonable for him to expect grown up behaviour in his own home)

You will probably get the Flying Monkeys next, telling you how you have upset your mum and have to apologise. Followed by Tge Mystery Illness.

Congratulations on your engagement!!

mondaytosunday · 30/05/2023 10:37

This has nothing to do with your engagement- you should rename you post 'mother nightmare'!
She was out of order. Let the dust settle, but next time you see her try and have a frank conversation about her behaviour, the bad mouthing and her reaction to being asked to stop being so rude.

Littlethingsmeanalot · 30/05/2023 13:57

Actually the update changes things for me. Your fiancé had no place telling your mother what to do In her own home. And certainly not forceably. I certainly wouldn’t apologise if I was her and I’d expect an apology from him. If he doesn’t like her behaviour he can leave, but he doesn’t get to boss her round and control her in her own home. Whatever were you both thinking?

Escapingafter50years · 30/05/2023 14:08

@littlethingsmeanalot If you re-read OPs 2nd post you'll see it seems they were in OPs home, she refers to "my neighbour".

I suspect there's a lot of back story to OPs mother, her behaviour after this event smacks of someone pissed off at not getting their own way, and being called up on it, rather than a loving mother who upset an event which was about her daughter, not her.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2023 14:10

Who’s neighbours, yours or hers?

Coralsunset · 30/05/2023 14:21

I’m pretty sure OP refers to “my next door neighbours” so was in her own home, not her mothers.

mainsfed · 30/05/2023 14:59

Is there a chance she did this deliberately to ruin your happy event?

I'd be wary of her pulling a similar stunt on your wedding day.

Tidlywinks · 30/05/2023 15:20

She’ll get over it, leave her too it and try to enjoy your engagement.

People who love that amount of drama, can’t bear to miss out on big celebrations and all the things that lead up to them so just wait for her getting in contact.

Rubbish for you though! Congratulations on your engagement!!

Littlethingsmeanalot · 30/05/2023 15:34

Oh hang on, I misread, if it’s the ops next door neighbours and not the mums then that’s different, but why would she be shouting nasty things about the ops next door neighbours?

Landndialamrhf · 30/05/2023 15:46

Does she often have difficulty when the event isn’t about her?

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 01/06/2023 10:43

oh she sounds toxic. Id leave her be to stew in her own juices.

You have asked for an apology, she refused, so you either accept her ridiculous selfish behaviour or you stand your ground.

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