FIL Has Cancelled Graduation Plans, Major Upset

[HamBone]

This is just a rant as there’s nothing we can do, but I’m so upset for DH as FIL has revealed his true attitude towards DH/ our family and it’s what I’ve long suspected. ☹️

In short, DD (18) is graduating from high school next week and the in-laws were invited to celebrate with us. Our kids are their only grandchildren and high school graduation is a big event here in the US. They love train travel and prefer to take a long-distance train rather than a short flight. This morning, FIL rings to say that he’s made a mistake with the tickets and has cancelled the trip to get a refund. DH offers to pay for plane tickets, which would be much quicker and easier, tbh. FIL declines the offer and just says that they can’t come.

DH is really upset, because they rarely visit ( the onus is always on us), but they make a big effort with certain siblings…it’s the classic Golden Children vs. the non-Golden…guess which category he falls into.

DD is also upset, but less than DH as she’s used to them not bothering much.
She’s previously said that they behave differently to her friends’ grandparents.

I just don’t get it, tbh. If I made a booking mistake but had another way to get to a family event, I would. It’s a short flight, they don’t have major health problems, no flying phobias, and their son is upset.

The truth is that they don’t really want to come and I wish they’d made up an excuse months ago. FIL probably only agreed because he’s got a thing about train travel and now that’s not happening, he won’t come. ☹️

Meant to add that MIL was almost in tears, it’s FIL who won’t consider alternatives.

Can MIL come on her own by plane then?

I assume the fil won't allow his wife to travel without him ?

Don't let his awful behaviour spoil this special memory for you all.

Depending on how well you get on with your in-laws, what you could do is phone them up and tell them just how disappointed you are that they won't be there for their granddaughter on her graduation, that you're absolutely distraught they are letting her down and that you expect them to get the finger out, rebook the train journey properly and that you'll see them at X time ahead of the graduation! Say it sternly but with love (if you get me).
Might that work?

We’re trying to persuade her, but truthfully, FIL can be controlling. I’m not sure whether she’ll be confident enough to do this if he’s not happy.

Has DH actually laid out that this really really matters to him and emphasised how important it is to him that they’re there to celebrate with you all?

I really feel for your MIL- my dad sounds a bit like your FIL (though no where this extent) and I know how difficult it is to live with someone else calling all the shots.

@FirstFallopians Its complicated, as DH was raised to be v. respectful towards his father and doesn’t really challenge him, IYSWIM.

However FiL doesn't seem to want to respect his son, his daughter in-law or his granddaughter. How does that work?

Perhaps if your DH absolutely exploded at his father, for yet another let down, his father would be caught unawares and might be almost embarrassed into doing it?

Oh I agree, @FirstFallopians , but you know how it is with ingrained patterns of behavior. DH will never get angry with his Dad, even when he’s v. upset.

Although DH’s sisters have now heard about this and are also upset with their Dad.

Sorry, that was meant for @LookItsMeAgain !

I do hope you can persuade MIL to come on her own. Maybe call and speak to her, telling her just how disappointed her son, and granddaughter are that they're not coming, and then point out that even if FIL doesn't want to come now, it would mean the world to you all if she came on her own. Maybe that would give her the strength to ignore her DH, and do what she wants to do for a change. My Dad used to give my DM hell for going away without him, but she said just because he no longer wanted to live his life, he wasn't going to stop her, and then took every opportunity offered to her, to spend time away with family and live life to the full. Maybe your MIL needs to do this too?

I don't think you should put it like @LookItsMeAgain has suggested. That will definitely put them off coming and it would be awkward for everyone if they did. You can't sternly tell anyone that you expect them to book a trip and show up at a certain time. I am a very laid back person but that would definitely make me dig my heals in, you are not the boss of them.

I think you should focus on MIL as it sounds like she actually wants to come and wouldn't make it a miserable experience for your DD. Can your DH fly over there and travel with her if she is worried about traveling on her own?

I would go and collect MIL myself and let her also have a break away from a controlling arse of a husband, let her see how life can be without someone like that around.

Would one of your SILs arrange to travel with MIL? It seems very unfair that she misses out because FIL values a train journey over his granddaughter and son.

I'm in the US and high school graduations are really lovely family events. only 1 of my 3 got to "walk" in their college graduations so those memories are lovely. Congratulations to your dd.

Dh had a tricky relationship with a controlling father - only realised how little give there was later in life. He just dialed down his expectations, stopped worrying about him and tbh has better memories of my dad than his own (as do my children). MIL was lovely but would never have stood up to her husband.

We’re looking into options for MIL if she’ll agree to come. 🤞

@Pallisers I’m now wondering whether it’s the embarrassment of having made a mistake that’s the real issue with my FIL-perhaps he feels bad that he’s mucked up and his son has to fix it?

But we all make mistakes, DH and once missed two flights because the clocks had changed. 🤣

FIL isn’t horrible at all, but he’s always been the head of the family in an old-fashioned sense, IYSWIM. Mil has always let him do that, he’s not a monster.

If you think it is a pride thing, could your dh just call him and say please come, it will mean the world to me, it is only a short flight. you can do the train another time.

by the way, my FIL wasn't a monster either. I loved him dearly. But he had it his way all the time. It didn't create a great dynamic with adult children.

Well if Dh was going to pay for tickets I would get him to fly to collect his mother and bring her to the graduation and stay a few days without fil.

Happy update: I’ve no idea what’s happened, but FIL suddenly texted this evening accepting the offer of plane tickets so DH booked them right away!

Perhaps he realized how just upset MIL was, he’s not nasty, just inflexible (and abit bossy) sometimes.

Anyway, DH and DD are delighted and we’ll make a big fuss of them during their visit.😁

Pleased to hear they have decided to come

Perhaps he realized how just upset MIL was, he’s not nasty, just inflexible (and abit bossy) sometimes.

However there's a part of me that thinks your FIL has done this to take the focus of attention on to him, rather than your DD. I personally would be rather cool towards him as I would want him to know his actions have cast a shadow over the whole graduation. But there again I'm an old cynic

Hmm. I’m not sure how much there is to celebrate there. As the very much ‘non-golden child’, your husband’s delight at crumbs from his father is very sad…

it is your dd's occasion.
they have sorted out their journey.
but it is a celebration for her dont forget

You’re right, @Willmafrockfit, it’s DD’s celebration so we need to focus on that.

I cba with drama and I’m just glad that this is sorted out.