Is this normal?

[Morganchristie]

My mum and I have always had an up and down relationship. I was a very shy child and had very low self esteem. Being very introverted, I wasn’t good at opening up so probably wasn’t the easiest to get close to.

All my mum’s stories of me growing up are negative. When my kids asked about me when I was young, my mum said I was difficult and challenging growing up. That I wouldn’t want to go out and play when people called for me, didn’t want to go to holiday clubs and her most favourite story when my dad pushed my face into my dinner as I was being annoying. She also told me when I was young that I wasn’t the kind of daughter she wanted (I wasn’t into clothes or shopping) and would compare me to other girls my age. I think to a degree she was very bothered about keeping up appearances. We’d go somewhere and I’d have to wear a dress, it didn’t matter how uncomfortable I was. She also said it was my fault my boyfriend cheated on me. The thought of other peoples opinion seems to weigh heavily on her though I doubt most people are too bothered.

I wasn’t perfect growing up but I’m a decent kind person who is maybe a bit on the quiet side. We live near to each other and I include her in family life, inviting her away with us but I’m wondering if growing up with her was a usual experience.

it doesn’t sound like you weren’t easy to get close to as a child, it sounds like your mum treated you very poorly as a child.

I should think, given the examples you have wrote about, your mum should’ve lucky you have any contact with her at all.

The thing about pushing your face into your dinner…well that’s awful, not normal and not ok. My heart aches for the child you!

A way to reframe this might be….would you think it is ok/normal for me to treat my child the way my parent treated me??

You subject your poor dc to this woman? The fact you do shows your abuse was made to be accepted as normal. If you agree it wasn't normal with enough answers then I hope you get rid of her from your lives op.
Very liberating ime.

Your parents sound horrendous. I'm not surprised you were shy and had low esteem, who wouldn't in those circumstances!

Do you enjoy spending time with your mum? If not, I'm here to tell you it's entirely optional.

How awful

I’d do some research into having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder and see if things start to make sense…

@Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon, two of my kids have special needs so I’m not sure they’re as aware. My oldest doesn’t spend loads of time.

Strangely my dad is quite quiet and doesn’t generally voice his opinion and the dinner thing was quite out of character. My mum can be quite supportive but I’m very aware of a strong need to please her and I’ll ensure her needs are met that I’m careful with what I say. A while back we bought my dad a new phone as his was from so old and because he’d helped us do some work to our house. He was nervous about telling my mum as apparently she hadn’t liked my Mother’s Day gift to her. I always think really hard about birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day gifts as I don’t want to let her down.

I just don’t know how to be better or whether the need to please so much is normal. I ring my mum 3-4 times a week, also text, we usually see them once a week (I work full time). They come on holiday with us.

Is it normal for a mum to make you feel so anxious?

It isn't normal you accept this. I never felt an adult when my dm was in my life.. I felt that anxiety you do. Tried suggesting she was a dgm to my dc but that we didn't have the relationship between us she wanted.. Didn't work and I went nc. It was right for me... I never wanted my dc to ever feel like I did. She was becoming critical with /about them. Even insisting she didn't like their names and using other ones! It was time she wasn't around them anymore..

I'm so sorry op. Your post is one of the saddest things I've read on here. Your mum shouldn't make you feel this way - and the stories of your childhood are so cruel. Your dad shoved your face in your dinner? I know it isn't exactly being punched in the face but that's still abusive and it's so so cruel. And the fact she keeps bringing it up is even worse.

I really think you need to think about distancing yourself from her. I know that's easy to say. I have a good relationship with my mum now but I also have a need to please her due to how I was raised, but no where near the anxiety you have. Plus, my mum has made huge changes and shown remorse for how she treated us as children (she wasn't abusive at all but she was quick to annoyance so my sisters and I learned how to manage her moods quite quickly). It sounds like your mum doesn't even think she did anything wrong. If I were you, I'd distance myself and get yourself some counselling. Wishing you the best.

Suggest you look in here for people with (sadly) similar experiences to you:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/april-2023-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Sounds like your mother couldn't accept you for who you were. This is her problem, not yours! My son sounds like you were - quiet and shy and not wanting to play out etc. I would never make him feel like he's not good enough. I always praise his good qualities and encourage him (not pressurise) to try new things etc. I feel sad that you had to endure this.

It's not normal at all. I have 2 SEN girls, they are nothing like I was growing up. They are interested in things I know nothing about. But you know what, I learn, I take them to these places they want to go, I spend hours making cosplay outfits and drive them there.
My mum was not so great either but she tried and did her best. I don't feel anxious being with my parents and they never tell horrible stories. I was a naughty teenager, which my mum does talk about, but not in a nasty way.
Set some boundaries between you, and hopefully you will realise you are an adult, you don't have to spend your adult life pleasing a woman who treated you awfully.

Your parents were abusive

I don’t know if it’s the usual or not, probably not particularly, but your mother and my mother would get on like a house on fire. It’s shit and it’s really affected my self esteem for the rest of my life. I have no contact with my mother now because she’s too unpredictable and I can’t manage her behavior well enough to prevent her attacks. It’s not how I’d like things to be but my mind is more peaceful for it. Sorry you had to suffer abuse from your mother too. I hope you’ve found a way to be around her whilst ignoring all her negativity

Thank you everyone. It’s very confusing as sometimes she can be thoughtful. She’ll listen when I’m struggling with work or the kids but can see that maybe our relationship wasn’t normal. It’s left me with low self esteem because if you’re not good enough for your mum, why would you be good enough for anyone.