AIBU to of allowed this to happen…

[Summerpetal]

A relative of mine was not gettIng the doctor when she needed it,and was in dirty clothes ,no glasses on ,no teeth in ..a sorry state ,but mainly the refusal to call the doctor.
so I found and signed for a new rest home .
this was during covid ..no one said untill I’d packed her stuff and got her there ,huge stressful task ,that she would have to be in isolation in her room for 2 weeks ..
she has dementia and had no idea what was happening
she was so distressed they tried to get me to settle her on the phone .she was vile to me ,and nothing I said calmed her down ..
I just keep wondering if I did the right thing or not …and it seemed especially cruel with her having dementia to keep her locked in her bedroom all day ,

I don’t actually know ,if they had said in advance she would be locked in her room for 2 weeks ,if I would have gone ahead and moved her ..I keep wondering if my standards were to high ,and I was expecting to much from the old rest home ..the only time she went outside was if I visited and we were sat outside,despite there being a lovely garden..relative was paying thousands a month for this “care”.
still had to move her a third time ,when I was told she needed nursing care and second home couldn’t provide it .
I tried to do my best ,but I still think I made everything worse ..keep thinking what could I of done differently

I don't think you could have done anything differently. She was obviously unable to cope at home. You did your best. Don't beat yourself up about it

You did what you felt was the right thing with her best interests at heart. This was during covid when the government threw care home residents to the wolves. Please don't question yourself or beat yourself up OP x

I've said that you were unreasonable only because you can't change it then or now and you shouldn't be dwelling on this. Isolation was imposed on people in facilities during COVID and your relative could just have easily been confined to their room because of an outbreak in the original care home.

Fwiw I have a parent with dementia, in a care home during COVID. We knew they struggled with isolation (my dad kept sneaking out and breaking the rules). I moved my dad during COVID and he had to have exactly the same period of isolation - he was frequently horrible, but it's not even him anymore saying that things.

It's ok op. You did what you thought was for the best and for the right reasons at a very strange time. I wouldn't give it a moment's worry. Honestly, said as someone who did exactly the same (my dad was sectioned then moved to a care home. There were frequent periods of isolation when there were outbreaks. )

Pease don't beat yourself up.

We had similar with MIL (90) after she broke her hip. She was moved to a care home to recover but no one told her she was isolating. She had no mental issues before but she was absolutely distraught and has never been the same since.

It was a terrible time for stuff like this.

Oh
your kind responses has made me cry ,I just thought I’d done all the wrong things and only me with POA to make any decisions.
thankyou ,I feel better xx

I honestly never thought she could have been in isolation in the first rest home ,even if I hadn’t moved her ..
ofcourse that could of happened,how stupid of me to of not thought of that .
sometimes I can’t see the wood ( reality ) for the tress ( worrying) .

A relative of mine was not gettIng the doctor when she needed it,and was in dirty clothes ,no glasses on ,no teeth in ..a sorry state ,but mainly the refusal to call the doctor.

If this was in a home, you absolutely did the right thing....This was abuse.. And should be reported the the Care Commision. The seclusion was neccessary at that time, and down to the government, not yourself.. These Welfare decisions are always difficult. You needn't feel guilty. I hope things have settled now. If not, ask for a review of her care. Feel better.

You couldn’t have done anything differently, you did what you felt was best. She was safe and clean and fed.

Thankyou xx

I keep wondering if my standards were to high ,and I was expecting to much from the old rest home Your standards were definitely not too high. That is unacceptable behaviour from the care home. Try moving this to the Elderly Parents board where there are lots of posters who can give you examples of how their elderly loved ones are looked after.

You absolutely did the right thing. Also, don't forget covid was a very different thing then to 2023, remember what was happening in care homes and how many died - at the time you may have been happier to agree to isolation in advance than you feel in retrospect. She did need to be cared for.

@Summerpetal it was a horrible situation at a very weird time, and you acted in good faith to protect and look after your relative.

You had several 'not great' options and you chose the least worst on the balance of probabilities (neglect plus possible isolation Vs confirmed isolation).

A relative with dementia can be traumatising anyway, as were the fears and stress of isolation and separation due to COVID. And your relative appointed you POA. They wanted you to make those decisions. (For context, my dad decided that he would never get dementia so would never need POA and I've had to do everything while applying for deputyship at the court). You did good.

You did what you thought was best at the time and you can’t beat yourself up for what you didn’t know at the time