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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wife’s anger, depression, sadness, mental illness

8 replies

Yalhar · 29/05/2023 10:09

Been married 12 years. My wife has anger issues. It doesn’t take much for her to fly into a rage which will last for days or even weeks.

At the other extreme, she might become very upset and start crying. It’s almost impossible to know how she will react to a situation, whether it’s rage or tears.

Recently this behaviour has become more directed at the kids, who are 8 and 7. She will become frustrated and start shouting at them over minor things ( leaving a mess) orshe might go to our room and start crying because she feels the children aren’t listening to her or are disrespectful.

I thought things were getting better as she wasn’t as angry as before, during the early years of our marriage she’d give me the silent treatment for days every few weeks.

It’s how she was raised, her family are in a constant state of conflict with their extended family.

She has said that she feels stressed and depressed a many times over the past year but she hasn’t gone to the doctor. I really don’t know what to do. We have other issues going on, money, health so it’s not a happy environment for anyone.

I know she is unhappy with our marriage (arranged). I was thinking that a marriage / family therapist might help address her underlying unhappiness with me.

i don’t know what I should really do.

OP posts:
TheHoover · 29/05/2023 10:16

Many of these symptoms are treatable. You really need to persuade her to see a GP and get a referral to a MH unit. Alternatively see a psychiatrist privately if you don’t want any to wait.

EightChalk · 29/05/2023 10:40

What has your relationship been like during the good times?

Dogs4Ever · 29/05/2023 10:42

It's very difficult if this is an arranged marriage as counselling may just not work as she doesn't love you..

PintoMilk · 29/05/2023 11:05

You sound very tolerant and shouldn't have to put up with this.

The silent treatment for days etc is quite abusive. If this was a woman writing about a man you'd be told to leave.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2023 11:26

I don’t have any experience of arranged marriage and I’m aware that they can work well in many scenarios if the partners have some agency so I don’t want to come across as judgmental but surely this shows their shortcomings.

There is a limit to how much peace you can make with a situation you didn’t want in the first place. Has she ever been happy in the marriage?

If she doesn’t love you and didn’t want to marry you then this may be as good as it gets. Is divorce an option?

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 11:28

Oh dear, she needs a doctor. This isn’t ok for anyone - and for kids to grow up in a disregulated household will be harmful to their mental health.

I feel no one here could diagnose or help - she really needs to be seen by a professional. I’m so sorry.

Irritateandunreasonable · 29/05/2023 11:34

I did think that perhaps she needed a doctor but maybe the unhappiness is situational?

How much say did she have on the marriage? Is she deeply unhappy because she doesn’t love you?

Maybe she’s trying to implement so much control because she hasn’t had any previously?

If she does love you and she feels she had a choice in the marriage it sounds like she needs medical help, if she didn’t get it, I would leave if I was you.

EightChalk · 29/05/2023 11:52

PintoMilk · 29/05/2023 11:05

You sound very tolerant and shouldn't have to put up with this.

The silent treatment for days etc is quite abusive. If this was a woman writing about a man you'd be told to leave.

The silent treatment for weeks at a time at the start of an arranged marriage sounds like she didn't want to be in the marriage. It's impossible to give advice without knowing if she actually wanted to do it or whether she felt under a lot of pressure to, and whether she feels love, attraction, etc., towards the OP.

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