Going from one crisis to another with my children.

[upthefield]

Good morning

I have three children.

Eldest is doing final exams in school.
She had engaged in school refusal for majority of last three years. She is academically weak and just could t cope after Covid . Got as many supports as possible and thankfully she has made it through and will sit exams and may pass.
It's been hugely stressful as I'm a lone parent and work full time.

My second has autism and anxiety. Her friend group are socially disadvantaged but have always been a good friend to her .
My daughter was recently involved in a situation where a teenage boy was lured into a situation where he admitted to sexually assaulting a girl. My daughters friend inflicted a violent assault on this boy on behalf of his friend who made the allegation. The girl who made the allegation was the one who asked the boys to sort him out and lured him to the spot where the assault occurred .
My daughter knew they were goi g to talk to this boy and knew things might get heavy if he admitted it which he did .
She saw this attack and became shocked and she froze.she was there and her involvement was comforting the hysterical girlfriend when she realised what she had caused. I am utterly shocked, ashamed and disgusted .
Boys have been arrested and a file has been sent . She been interviews by police and she will be cautioned .she is hysterical with guilt and shame and is having flashbacks and cannot stop crying. I also cannot stop crying at the thought of what happened , but recognise that this is not about me . I
I have told her that her friendship is over with the boys involved and she is heartbroken but understands that she is incapable of making these decisions about friends and that these are the consequences . These friends also smoke weed I have since found out and she has had a 'drag' .

My third child has been found to have been having horrible exchanges with a friend of his. They have both been mean to each other in line saying they hate each other etc but he was definitely worse. She was so upset she contacted her sister to contact my daughter to sort it out.
I have deleted certain apps on his phone and taken his phone away indefinitely . He is also on the spectrum and is 13.

So this thread is to ask you how I can keep strong to keep parenting my children . I have chest pain and am trying to concentrate on my breathing . I have come to work to distract myself other than think of the awful weekend we've had .
Right now I want to walk into the sea .

Ironically I am a child protection officer and work with children with special needs.
We are a hard working decent family who have never had a brush with the law . There have never been any social problems in our family until now .
My children have all had counselling after Dad left us suddenly .
I have tried my best but have clearly failed.
What can I do to turn this round please .

It is hard. Sorry I have no advice but j also parent teens alone and at times I’ve just been so shocked at their actions and fear the worst. It’s utterly exhausting. I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this

Thank you for replying.
I need support clearly.
I have tried my best to install good values and role model those. I give plenty of attention, individual and otherwise to my children.
They have all been through on line nastiness so for my son to be so nasty to that girl that was once his friend.
As far as the serious assault goes, I feel sort of dissociated, sort of shocked like I'm floating above the whole situation. I had to watch cctv footage of the assault and vomited .
I need to be strong but I've never felt so weak. I need to continue being a parent where all I want is to die . I can't die. I can't leave my children and that's genuinely my only reason for being here now.
There is no joy. No happiness. No fun. I've died inside but have to pull myself out of this as today is a brand new day and we go on because we have to.
But how ?
I've literally been to my gp last week, ever before these two latest incidents happened.
My body is unwell so I have to have a lot of tests and investigations .
It is unwell because of the continuous flow of cortisol from one crisis to another according to my GP.
I have had lots of counselling but my money needs to go on the kids for their mental health .

Your eldest is getting through exams, despite school refusal for the last three years made worse by a global epidemic that disrupted her world - that's a success. You can chalk that up to your resilience and hers.

Your second child ended up in a situation bigger than she was and it escalated out of control. She is muddling through the cascade of consequences with your support. You have pulled her out of a risky friendship group. It sucks, but you have her out of a deteriorating situation and away from drug use. That's on you, you made the tough choices that she couldn't.

Your dd had enough respect and faith in you to bring the situation with your son to your attention. You have his phone and you are ahead of this situation. This sounds like par for the course discipline stuff but it feels worse because of shitty timing.

And between it all you have kept the wheels running, working full time and helping other children, against the backdrop of your dp and their father doing a runner.

In two months time your eldest will be through the exams, your middle will be free of a toxic circle of friends and your youngest will know the benefit of towing the line. You've got this.

Thank you so so much. I'm here in my office and that message was so full of kindness and compassion, it really did mean so much to me.
I am so bloody sad, crying silently.. the tears keep coming and I don t know how to stop them
I was so glad when my second child made friends. She never had any and was bullied for being different . These boys always looked out for her but also respected her very much. She is very academic and has really encouraged them to stay in school and work for a good exam result and a good future. They had respect for her . They were kind and nice but the level of violence inflicted on that boy is an image I'll never get out of my head . The anger and viciousness. It was horrendous to watch .

The eldest’s exams will finish soon.
The middle one will never ever be in that situation again.
Your youngest is learning and has got his older siblings watching over him.

I know it’s easy to say stuff when one isn’t in your predicament, but try and see it from our point of view. It’s temporary, it will pass.

In the meantime, if you can’t afford counselling, come and talk to us, there is always one of us here. Write it all down, share the burden. Try and look after yourself.

You managed to be there for three children, through all of that, and kept your resolve, with no support. You should be proud of yourself. Can you find something to de-stress yourself with to shake that cortisol off? If you don't feel you can leave them alone atm, maybe take the whole family swimming and ask the kids to give you peace there to do some laps?

Again, thank you so much .
I was nervous about writing on AIBU as I thought some might question what type of a mother raises a child who can be part of a group that assaults a boy on his own, based on an unsubstantiated allegation that she and her parents refuse to report .

My daughter froze . She didn't know what to do. She is absolutely devastated and of course about losing her fitness also.

My son will hopefully be ok. It was my eldest that helped with the girl he was being mean to . He has apologised profusely and promised it will never happen again. I have also told him to let her know that I have punished him severely and that I am disgusted and an apology.

He is scared I'll tell his dad. I will be telling dad as he needs a good sharp shock. Dad has a terrible temper but I will tell dad that cannot lose his temper because he can be frightening . He will do that for me because he knows my son will shut down contact with him again if he shouts or roars at him.

I just cannot do it on my own anymore .I do really appreciate your view point though. To read it from your perspective made me feel a little better

It must have felt like such a relief when your dd found a place in a friendship group where she was valued and cared for after all that and then to have that crash down around her ears so brutally is going to take a toll.

I'm not sure what to suggest. I suppose leaning in to the support she has at home is the best starting point. Just the familiar routines and patter of family around you is stabilising. In time, when the chaos that unfolded doesn't feel so immediate and when the adrenaline fades, building a new friendship group will become a priority. But by that point, you'll be through this crisis phase too and you can make a plan together.

I understand your predicament. Our middle child has been unable to attend high school because of severe anxiety but she's thriving at home and goes to football and Guides .
You're dealing with so much and it's incredibly tough but hang in there, things will improve. You slub a wonderful caring Mum who puts her children 1st. Try and do something nice for yourself- a coffee from a coffee shop or lunch out in the sun. Sending you lots of virtual hugs . I totally understand, take care xx

Sound not slub lol! Multitasking not working!!

It has been cathartic writing on here.
I'm too sad and ashamed to discuss what happened this weekend with anyone.
I always tell my children how tears carry the sadness out of her bodies and I'm trying to remember this, this morning.
To see my child losing her friendship group after years of having nobody , years of walking aimlessly and solitarily around our village, is heart breaking. In the literal sense , I feel heart pain.
It reminds me of when my husband left . That crushing heavy feeling was f trying to catch your breath and get regulation back into breathing.
I am focusing on the positive responses and trying to pull down positivity and I am . I do feel somewhat better or at least human. I'm trying g so hard but the relentless rolling crises are really taking their toll

Good. Try and eat something and drink lots of water, you must be so dehydrated. Have a pizza night with all the kids tonight, watch Sweet Tooth on Netflix, it’s really good and they’ll like it, get some sweets in and rally them round.
It’ll get easier.