To be torn about unplanned 3rd pregnancy

[Upabovetheworld]

I have just found out that I am pregnant with, what would be, a third baby for us. We already have a DS and DD who would be turning 4 and 2 when this baby is due.

This baby is unplanned and I am so torn about what to do.

My husband and I had always discussed that we would have 2 children and my husband is very vocal is saying no more. He has also been talking about getting a vasectomy, but has not arranged anything yet.

I am so torn about my personal feelings. On the one hand I think a third child would be lovely. I am one of 4 and love being part of a larger family. Previously, when I had thought my DD was our last child I often felt very sad that I would not experience having a baby again.

On the other hand, a third child would undoubtedly have a practical impact on our family. We would need a new car. We were planning to privately educate our children, but would have to really think whether we could afford that for 3. Holidays etc all become more expensive and complicated.

I went back to work at the beginning of this year after my second maternity leave and I am worried about the impact on my career another maternity leave would have. I am on promotion track, but will people think I have lost my ambition and just want to churn out babies? I will undoubtedly feel the financial impact of a third maternity leave.

We are also moving out of London at the end of the summer and it feels like we will already have a lot going on without throwing a new baby into the mix.

From a practical point of view, I think having a termination makes sense, but I just don’t know how I will emotionally cope with that. Will I regret it for evermore?

Things feel too much now, but in the future will they all seem like short term problems that were worth it?

I haven’t discussed with my husband yet, but I am pretty sure he will want to terminate and I feel I need to be a bit clearer in my head first.

Clear Blue is showing 2-3 weeks pregnant, so we have a bit of time to make a decision.

I didn’t want to read and run. It sounds like your head is screwed on and you’re able to think clearly. I’d definitely prioritise talking it through with DH. It might clarify your feelings and you might be surprised by his response too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this <3
If I can offer any advice, try and work out how you feel. Not how you would feel after termination, or how you would cope practically with having a third - both of these work themselves out when you've done what's right for you.
Work out how you actually feel and what you want.
I'm speaking from experience
Good luck xxx

Certainly take some time and space to discuss this with your DH and either a counsellor or a trusted friend.

A remarkable number of third pregnancies are ‘unplanned’. That’s not to say they were actively planned but perhaps subconsciously someone who does really want a baby despite it not being very practical is less careful than someone who categorically does not want another child.

All the best with your conversations and decisions.

I would seek individual private counselling before talking to DH. You know he doesn't want 3rd child so there is no point in talking to him until you untangle your own feelings. Him not jumping for joy will just make you angry.
In your post you say the 3rd child will impact your existing children's education, your career and your overall family finances. Only you can assess what is more important to you and the magnitude of your emotional distress from the termination.

Not everyone who has an abortion regrets it. I had one and I don't regret it for a second even though I'm not childless and doing IVF.

Not once did you mention the impact on your two children or what you feel you could give a third in your opening post.
It was all 'I feel', 'the impact on my career', 'we need a new car ', 'we're moving '.

Fwiw I have a few friends with three and they were much happier with two.

Enjoy your lovely life as it is.

I’m not sure that it is entirely true to say that I haven’t considered the impact on my two children. I think the main impact would be on finances (which obviously has an effect on the lifestyle our children will have).

We would have as much love for a third child as we already do for our existing children. I guess our time will be more stretched but, as I said, I am one of four (and both my parents worked) and I never felt hard done by.

The reality is that my husband and I both have well paying jobs so we could afford 3 children. The difference would be the level of privilege the children had. For example, less luxurious holidays, perhaps having to reconsider private education. So, I don’t think any child would suffer, it is more a case of us re-thinking the plans and expectations we had for the future.

For those of your friends who were happier with two children, what are the reasons?

what does your heart truly want? Life will work out fine either way, you seem a positive person so will make the best of whatever you choose. I read your posts and to me it seems like you want the baby but want to come up with reasons to justify it. You don’t need to, you didn’t make the baby on your own and your husband will find a way to be happy too.

Yes, this 💯

Our 3rd was unplanned, but is totally wonderful and completed our family 😊

No-one can answer this for you, but we have three and it is wonderful.
Sometimes when the eldest is engrossed in something the younger two now play (nearly 1 and 3).
If the baby needs attention, the older two can play. The eldest loves babying the youngest and gets excited to see him every morning, and sometimes all three are just wrestling on the floor and giggling.
I wouldn't change a thing, but issues like private school were never a consideration for us as it's not something we wanted, and we can still give them a great life. I'd love a 4th.

My 3rd was unplanned and a very troublesome pregnancy& delivery however she is absolutely adored by us all and we wouldn’t change her.

We have taken a hit financially of course but not enough where we are struggling. I’d sit down and discuss with your husband but ultimately the decision does lie with you x

My 3rd was a huge surprise and I found the pregnancy very hard physically and mentally. I couldn't get my head around it at all and read about a million '3rd child' threads on MN, torturing myself.

Once she was here we realised it was going to be ok - more than ok - and we hadn't ruined our lives, careers, finances, holidays, etc. She has been the making of us as a busy, happy family. Like a piece of the puzzle we hadn't realised was missing until we found it.

I absolutely get how hard a decision it is. I researched terminations and phoned all the helplines in tears trying to get support for how conflicted I felt. In the end I'd just sort of dithered so much that it got to 12 weeks and I kind of thought I'd better just crack on. Not the most reasoned decision! But one I have never regretted since she arrived.

@DontTouchMyMug puts it beautifully "Once she was here we realised it was going to be ok - more than ok - and we hadn't ruined our lives, careers, finances, holidays, etc. She has been the making of us as a busy, happy family. Like a piece of the puzzle we hadn't realised was missing until we found it."

I feel the same about my third. Material goods are nothing compared to the love and support my three give each other, more so now they're 26, 24 and 22 (one DD, two DS). We've all worked hard at making their relationships with each other work and they've given each other so much support when things have been difficult - quite different to the support they get from their parents. Yes, we didn't have the fancy holidays, private schooling was never going to be on the cards, and I don't have a runaway career, but parenting was an important part of my life and I've enjoyed the benefits of working part-time, moving up to full-time once the youngest was at secondary school and I'd stopped taking them all to swimming lessons.

It's your decision with your DH, but a "I have a few friends with three who were happier with two" response needs to be balanced with comments from those of us who continue to enjoy immensely being a family of five.

Thank you for your response - this is super comforting to read and real food for thought!

My friend went from 2 to 4 with the third unplanned pregnancy. It was really hard but she's loving it.

@Upabovetheworld do you mind me asking what you decided to do and what helped you come to a decision? Your original post is our exact current situation and we don’t know what to do… thank you!

@EllaEllaElla1 hi I’m just coming across this thread now as I am in the exact position of the original post, in fact I could have wrote it. I wondered if anyone has any advice or could share their experience/decision. In a fog at the minute and find it hard to find perspective.

I don't honestly think I could have an abortion in these circumstances (but no judgement on you if you feel you need to).

I also don't think too much privilege is necessary a good thing for children - it can end in terribly spoilt human beings at worst, so it wouldn't worry me too much that your money would be spread a bit more thin. It sounds like you'd still be able to give 3 a lovely life in so many ways.

It really stands out that your dh is saying absolutely no to anymore and yet he has somehow got you pregnant. Please don't be pushed into anything by him that you don't want, he should have sorted his vasectomy if he felt that strongly. In fact I would be furious on him if he put any sort of pressure on you at this point (it sounds horribly likely he might)

Ah, old thread.

I hope the OP is ok.

i know this is an old thread but I’ve just read through it and found it really helpful

For what it’s worth, I have a third unplanned child and I was most certainly not happier without him, even though I freaked out when I discovered I was pregnant with him.

He’s now the funniest, quirkiest 9 year old I’ve ever known and we absolutely adore him. My older DS and DD fight constantly with each other but get along well with him. I can’t imagine our lives without him, honestly.

Didn’t know this was old, sorry!

@Upabovetheworld I know this is a really old thread but do you mind sharing what you decided to do? I'm in a similar situation (minus the private school dilemma) and similarly torn about what the hell to do.

@DontTouchMyMug I know this is old but just want to say how wonderful this post is, I'm in a similar situation and this really helps visualise what the happy future could be like if we stick with it. It's comforting to know that you and other posters had similar doubts and dilemmas in the early days but it all worked out ok. Thank you!