To cut down grandparent visits

[Sleepdeprived42long]

My parents (divorced shortly after I was born) are both dead. DF’s parter (A) was involved as DM figure in my life. Before DF died, they asked me to look out for A. A has life rent in house owned by me. When DCs were born, A became gran to both.

I find A’s company very difficult-we are very different eg A has very strong views and doesn’t listen to other perspectives, A lives in the past. Looking back, A wasn’t always a positive influence-often making me question my own ability/judgment to make them look good; manipulative behaviour towards DF when A didn’t get what they wanted; alienation of DF from rest of their family.

Up until now, we have arrangement that involves A visiting on weekly basis and takes DC to an after school activity. My dilemma is that DC is too old for the activity from next academic year and I’m finding A’s company more and more difficult to be in (tolerance is waning as I age!). A is also showing signs of similar manipulative behaviour towards DC as I experienced as a child. However, DC loves A and seems to get on well with A. Ideally I’d like to reduce contact with A when DC no longer attends the weekly activity but I know A will be very upset about this and I’m concerned that A may become depressed (A suffered for many years after death of DF). I need to maintain some contact with A though-not just to keep my word to DF but also because of life rent situation.

Any thoughts about how I could make the best of this situation without feeling like I’m letting someone down?

Did you need A to take DC to the activity?

Another activity is needed, so other visit isn't just in your house. What age is A now?

If you decide that you can no longer stand A's company at the exact point that a long-standing favour A does you comes to a natural end then A will be incredibly hurt and justifiably so.

This is the most important bit
A is also showing signs of similar manipulative behaviour towards DC as I experienced as a child
If there is a risk she’ll do to your child what she did to you, you know what to do.

Also, you’re not responsible for making/keeping A happy. Your child’s wellbeing is the most important thing.

"A is also showing signs of similar manipulative behaviour towards DC as I experienced as a child. However, DC loves A and seems to get on well with A."
DC's affection for A is, honestly, irrelevant here. And may not be as deep as you fear - it's not unknown for children to behave as if they like someone because they know that's what the adults important to them, want. The manipulative behaviour, on the other hand - that needs to be dealt with.

Would pointing out to A that it has to stop be worth trying? Probably not, since you say "A has very strong views and doesn’t listen to other perspectives". Also, would she kick off and up the manipulative behaviour? It's tricky.

Bottom line, DC not being subjected to manipulation is vastly more important than A's feelings and potential for depression.

I wouldn't wait until the next academic year. I would just suggest that you'd like to been involved in taking your child to the weekly activity 'while you still can'. And reduce A's visits a bit. If A's upset, she's upset. Not as important as your child being manipulated.

You are the parent, not A. You have the final responsibility for your child's safety and happiness, not A. So crack on.

youve set A up as a grandparent and your child is fond of them. I would have thought find another activity? The contact time between A and your child can’t be all that long if they’re going to an activity.

Well it’s a choice between you putting up with the annoyance for the sake of your children still h img their nan who they love, or taking a family member away from them.

I know that sound blunt, but is the reality.

you’re children will see her as Nan and not how you do as ‘step mum’. I think I would find a new activity.

This woman is manipulating your child. On top of her sounding unpleasant in general, I don’t know why you’ve bothered with her. Some sort of promise to your now deceased dad is no reason to put up with this or inflict this woman on your child. She could do a lot of damage to your child. Your child may be fond of her but you need to make hard decisions that your child may not always see the benefit of, thats part of parenting.

Do what's best for your child. If she is manipulative and it will have a negative effect on your DC, then you are definitely not unreasonable to cut down on weekly visits and A having alone time with them.

How about you change it up to have her over for a coffee once a month to see you and DC?

I think your child's well-being is more important than your promise to your deceased DF.

I didn’t need A to take DC to activity but I did want DC to have a relationship with A and they do see A as Gran. I just find her company so exhausting now so try to limit to as small a dose as possible but tolerance is decreasing as my age increases. DC doing the activity keeps my contact with A to a minimum but also maintains the contact between A and my family.

In all honesty, I don’t think A’s manipulation is harming my DC at the moment-even the fairly subtle manipulation I can spot is in such small doses I doubt DC really notice but I do (eg A will say things like ‘oh DC I thought you were smart but you don’t know that…’. When I was a child no matter what I did or achieved was ever good enough for A, or DF. I think I’m probably more sensitive to it because I didn’t realise until an adult that it wasn’t normal, although I know it could have been a lot worse.

If I could cut down to coffee every other week with A, or even A round for dinner once a month-I could probably cope with that but I know A isn’t going to be happy and I’ll definitely get the guilt trip. I can’t cut A out my life-aside from the moral obligation I feel to my DF, I still have legal obligations re the house.

‘oh DC I thought you were smart but you don’t know that…’.

This is not a nothing - DC will absolutely be being impacted by that. You're going to have to tackle it - you really must. Don't let her fuck up your child.

Tell her you'd like her to continue to have a relationship but you've noticed she does this and it really impacted you as a child. Tell her she must stop and that this is something you're very serious about.

if she doesn't - well, she doesn't care about your child does she?

I absolutely agree with @WinterDeWinter ! That is NOT nothing, and needs to be dealt with now.