Please help discuss with me whether or not to have a second DC

[WoolyAndYug]

We have one DD who is four. She is absolutely amazing. I always wanted children but after having her I had severe anxiety for about 2.5 years. I loved her instantly but struggled so much to the point I knew I couldn't do it again. Every day was hard.

Sleep deprivation was a huge problem and I was in a bad state.

Fast forward to now - she is a sociable amazing little girl and I feel so guilty about her not having a sibling. My mental health is good now she sleeps and life is calmer. I feel jealous when people have second children because I wish I could just do that but I am so afraid of going back to that dark place.

DH and I agreed we would be one and done and we are comfortable financially like this. Another would be a stretch. Please help talk me through my decision I am 38 so need to decide what to do.

Pros
I would love another person in our family
Sibling for DC

Cons
Pregnancy and my health anxiety
Risking a MH crisis
Sleep deprivation and being older than last time finding it harder to cope
Risking health problems to the baby as I am older
Financial strain of two
Struggle to get back into my career if I have another

Thanks everyone.

There seems a lot more cons than pros tbh; your daughter will be fine as an only child- I’m an only- had a great childhood, very close to my parents

Similar position but (I’m definitely) not sure I’m on the other side of the MH blip
speaking for myself then:

have you got the same urge you had with DC1? For me that was a powerful “nothing matter but getting pregnant” that made it difficult to think about anything else. Is it that or just “it might be nice” - I think one can live with the latter but not the former - it’s not a logical force and will not be quieted with logical argument.

why do you think DC1 will want a sibling? They may not. Is it fair to the proposed DC2 to have conceived them only to keep DC1 company? An awful lot of pressure for them to get along, and perhaps DC2 might feel like an accessory to DC1?

on the other hand
now you know more about your mental health you can go into the experience much better prepared (though with NHS in the state it is in, be prepared to spend on this)

Struggling to get back into career~ have you been. SAHM since DC1? If not then why is this a concern? How can you share the load with your partner so you are not the default parent all the time? However I feel you - I am always comparing myself to my make colleagues who have stay at home wives, and I know how much harder it would be with two.

it also sounds like your health anxiety is already kicking in - you talk about health concerns for the proposed DC2 because of your age. You might want to look at statistics for this before you drive yourself crazy for nine months (or more - I had terrible anxiety after my son was born for years, constantly looking for things wrong with him/me)
can’t stress enough therefore how important getting proper support will be for you if you want to go ahead with this.

The cons massively outweigh and outrank the pros, in my opinion.

Your DD will be fine without a sibling - besides which, there's no guarantee they will be close or even much like each other (I really do not like my older brother).

Thank you - yes it's mainly guilt and close friends all having a second so I worry she will feel she is missing out. We can give her a lot more opportunities if we don't have another but don't know if that's a poor comparison to having a sibling.

I’m also on the fence about baby no2… like you I found the early part hard and I didn’t like the dynamic of our family when we had a new baby.. I found that really difficult and found I resented my DH a lot even though he was really supportive and a great dad. I just didn’t realise how all consuming a new baby would be for mum!!! I do now. I feel we are just getting out of that funk now DS is 18months and he’s such a joy for all of us. My main pro is exactly like yours - so he has a sibling. I already miss my free time! With two I think I’d have zero free time for anything other than childcare. I’m not convinced having a sibling is the best reason.. Interested to see what others comment on your thread. I also feel guilty like you but part of me thinks we aren’t obligated to have more than one child - or any - if we really don’t want to. There’s no duty to be done. Also all the only children I know are really successful. Most of the boy siblings I know (adults) do not get on. My own brothers don’t have any contact. I’d be devastated if I did it all again only for them to not talk when they’re 35.. Good luck whatever you decide xo

I think your cons list sound like real issues and well considered points, your pros list sounds a little bit woolly?

There's no guarantee they'd get along as siblings, and if you know it's a potential risk to your mental health then I'd personally reframe your thinking about how much you've got to give your DD now, rather than wanting to add another person to the family

@LazJaz I can really relate to you talking about the "nothing else matters but getting pregnant" feeling. That's exactly how I was when trying for DD. No I'm not like that now, more jealous of other people extending their families and guilt over how DD could be feeling.

Also when things go pear shaped with my brothers (the two who don’t talk), I often think how much less chaotic my life would’ve been without them and I worry how I will handle them when my parents are no longer around. One of them is an alcoholic and the other has some mh issues which are improving now. But the alcoholic habit is a real real problem and I wish I didn’t have to deal with it tbh. Selfish as that sounds I’ve spent years trying to help to no avail. x

To answer the question of my career I have been working part time for the past year and was planning to start full time again when DD goes to school and was quite looking forward to that until I had this wobble and thought maybe I should have another and not be thinking about my work - the nature of my career is with so much time out of it it would be much harder to get back into.

I have a 4 year old daughter who we had IVF to have.
She won’t be getting a sibling as I can’t put myself through that again but do sometimes feel guilty about her being an only.

But as an only we can do so much more with her as finances are better, she gets all our attention and she has lots of friends so I know she will be fine. It’s just getting your head around it.

Only children are a lot more common these days and I have 2 friends who both have one child the same age as my daughter. I also have friends who have had a second and are really struggling. You have to do what is best for you!

If you do decide to only have one please allow yourself to grieve. I have got 2 and would have liked a third but have had to go through a grief process that it will never happen. I still yearn but I can deal with it better.

Same issue in relation to baby no 3!

However, I will say as an 'only' - I hated it, I saw my friends with siblings and I was so envious of those bonds.

Mental health is hard, but manageable with therapy and w

*willingness to change/grow.

Do what feels right and safe OP.

Lots of love x

If you have a baby when she’s 5 there are things she will miss out on because the baby won’t be able to do most of the things she wants to, if you do go places you’ll need to hold the baby/ wrangle the toddler rather than giving her attention. There would be a fairly small window where they would be at appropriate ages to play together if they even wanted to, that’s a big expectation to put on the second sibling.

I had my DD at 34, she’s 19 months and I am not going to have more. I’ll be 50 when she’s 16, potentially dealing with menopause, with elderly parents to care for, and potentially young enough to do a lot of the things I enjoyed when I was child free, either way I wouldn’t want to have an 11 year old at that age.

However if you and your partner really want another child for yourselves then go for it.

My best friend is an only and fine. She has loads of friends and a DP and his family as well as her mum. Her life is full. Many other only children are the same.

On another note regarding your DD. I’m going to be very realistic here but prepared for other posters to say how ‘wrong’ I am.

If you decide to have another dc right this minute there will be at least a 5 year age gap. So they won’t ‘play’ and keep eachother company in that way. Sure your dd may love to coo over a baby and be happy enough to babysit her 12 year old sibling when she’s 17 and doing her own thing, but they won’t be watching the same tv shows, sharing secrets, hanging out with each others friends and off on joint adventures. It won’t be a joint childhood of friendship. It’s a completely different type of relationship when there’s an age gap. I say this as someone with 3 siblings with age gaps of 4-7 years between us all. We all get on well but aren’t close in that way. A 10 year old in year 6 primary and 4 year old in reception aren’t going to be planning cinema trips and going on rides together at Alton towers. If your sibling is of a different sex and you don’t conceive straight away then it’s very improbable they’ll be close.

I say that to say, that don’t do it purely for your DD to have a ‘play mate’ as it likely won’t turn out that way and it’ll just restrict your dds life due to the nature of babies. Your dd will likely love a squishy baby, but the relationship won’t likely be as you envision of two siblings hanging out and getting up to mischief together.

So basically if you have another baby do it purely because you want another child for the child itself and not because you want a companion for DD.

I have three and I can honestly say, the cost doesn't increase all that much in the first 6 years, beyond childcare.

My three are very close in age and have a close relationship, it's lovely.

But it's hard work too. And they do squabble.

One thing to bear in mind, is that subsequent pregnancies and babies tend to be easier in terms of anxiety/depression, well that's my experience anyway. Going from zero to one child is hard, it takes a huge adjustment. But from one to two, or two to three, they just fit in a lot easier. You don't really worry in the same way.

I guess overall, I would advocate for having two. I think your daughter would benefit from another child and I think it could be healing for you too. And you won't have any outstanding regrets. But equally you have to make sure it's what you want and not just what you think you should want.

Me and my sibling are 7 years apart and very close as adults, especially since having our own kids. Our kids are really close too.

We barely spent any time together as kids but as adults, it's a very valued relationship for me.

I had 1st kid at 33. Started trying for 2nd around 2.5 years later....I was literally on my "last month" before we were going to stop as it just wasn't happening. I fell pregnant and had my 2nd a few days before my 39th birthday (after 3ish years of trying , 1st pregnancy happened one month off contraception, so that was also stressful)

I love the bones of her, but the 2nd time round was harder in terms of birth recovery (Covid stuff didn't help), dealing with the sleep deprivation etc etc. The love between the siblings is there but I reckon he'd have been ok as an only child too (a few of his friends are).

I'll be 50 and she'll only be 11....peri- menopause is not being kind to me now and impacts on managing terrible 2s, so God knows what I'll be like when it's in full swing with an adolescent.....I'm permanently exhausted.

@SchoolShenanigans That’s great for you. But it’s not typically common with age gaps. Also OP would then be having another dc in the hopes that they would be close as adults after childhood?

I don’t think that’s worth sacrificing her mental health, career and nice life for. She needs to want another dc for the dc itself, not for a fantasy close relationship that may happen in her dds late twenties/thirties.

Guilt is a very bad reason to bring a child into the world. It won't sustain you through hard days.

Do you want this new child? For you, not for your daughter? Are you excited to raise them?

Nothing wrong with being an only, its common these days.

Follow your gut.
I was on the fence also but I've decided to go for it and am 18 weeks now with a 3 year old.
I am scared and anxious but my thought was "i won't regret my 2nd child, but I may regret not having them"
I spoke to a colleague about my worries the other day and she said she regrets only having 1 and her 21 year old has said a few times he wishes he'd had a brother or sister so that put my mind at rest a bit. But on the other hand they won't miss what they don't have.
You have to do what's right for you as a family, many are happy with 1, enjoying life as the child gets older.
It's a tough one for sure

I have an only child, she’s 9 now and she’s fabulous. We really wanted a second child, to all- consuming levels (for me anyway) which included 3 hideous rounds of IVF. We tried for about 4 years, when I was aged 36-40, to no avail sadly. However now, a few years on, I can see the many benefits of having an only child.

Firstly, she is happy. She has friends and loves play dates etc, but our house is calm and that suits her (and me!). As much as I had a primal urge for another baby after having my first (wasn’t broody til I had her!) I do think with hindsight I would’ve struggled with the increase in demands on me as a parent. With one, I still get to be a mum and have a family, which is the greatest thing in the world for me, but frankly, it seems like it’s a bit easier to juggle everything and I wonder if I enjoy it more. I think that as much as I wanted a second, I would’ve found the reality of it quite stressful.

So many practical things are easier. Childcare in the holidays, hobbies, thinking about secondary schools etc. All so much more straightforward with only one child’s needs to consider. I am not underplaying the value of siblings at all, I have a brother who I love, but I know some of my friends with two are a bit envious of our set up. Usually they are the ones whose kids dont get on that well, it has to be said.

Agree with PPs who are urging you not to have a
second simply for a play mate. I do appreciate the feeling of envy when you see that 2.4 children family thing. I still get the odd pang. But I also love our dynamic, even if it wasn’t our plan. If the three of you are happy now and you don’t really want another, that’s fine. Enjoy your daughter and enjoy feeling well. Families come in so many shapes and sizes, thank goodness.