To still be so affected by bullying after 30 years?

[Moshipop]

I feel absolutely ridiculous writing this as I’m 40
now.
30 years ago I was picked on by a group of four girls in my class at school for two years. It ended when there was a class reshuffle and I wasn’t with them. From that point on I was fine.

However I feel like I am the person who they saw and that at some point everyone in my life will realise that I’m a loser. Low self esteem has crippled me as every point in my life since it happened.

They would tell me I was ugly / that my parents must have wished they’d not had me / it would be better if I killed myself / they didn’t want to be near me and breathe the same air / I was disgusting etc.
It’s still my inner voice and I feel certain that - despite having had successful friendships and relationships ever since - they saw who I really am. I feel a lot of shame around it all so I’ve never spoken about it.
When I was 11 I remember taking about 8 paracetamol and being disappointed it did nothing - I’ve self harmed on and off since too.

It seems so stupid, that something so insignificant has effectively impacted my whole life and how I see myself so profoundly.

I feel a lot of shame around it all so I’ve never spoken about it.

I take it this means you haven't seen a counsellor? Have you considered it?

You can't help what you are affected by.
I would think about seeking some help to work through it.

I have about other things but I find this too hard to talk about properly because I feel as though people would then look at me differently. I’ve spoken about some of it but I think I may have downplayed it.

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that and yes, that would definitely affect you all these years later.

The thing is, you have spent the last 30 years not dealing with it and so now is the time to open up about how you felt/how you still feel to someone.
Is therapy an option? Do you think it will help? Talking it all through with someone would I think really help you make sense of your current feelings.

It’s a different issue (not bullying I mean) but my cousin died tragically in an accident when I was young and my parents didn’t ever talk about them again - nothing. I kept all that sadness bottled up for years and even now, I don’t talk about it, other than to myself. I could really do with having therapy because it really has and does affect how I feel about death - my own whenever that will be (leaving my adult children to be without a mother) and that of others when they die, especially my own mother - leaving me behind.

When our feelings, hurt & grief (of death or grief of a different life/what should have been etc) aren’t dealt with, we carry on having those same feelings and carry on hurting.
If you fell and hurt your leg, you would do things to help it heal and you should be doing the same for your feelings.

No, you are not unreasonable. I suffered bullying at 14 that made me suicidal walking out infront of traffic every day on my way to school, til i cracked, told my parents and dropped out. I reached out to the doctors about it about 2 years ago, and was diagnosed with PTSD and had some sessions with a therapist on the NHS. I also now have medication to be able to sleep that affects what stages of sleep i enter to try to cut down on the PTSD related insomnia and nightmares.
I wouldn't be surprised if you too, have some level of PTSD from how horribly you were treated, and i would really reccomend talking to your doctor and seeing if there is some therapy you could access to try to help you with your self esteem.

There is a really great self esteem treatment in cognitive Behavioural therapy by a lady called Melanie Fennell. If you didn't want to talk to a therapist about this, you could buy Fennell's book. It basically talks about how our early life experiences teach us who we are and we develop a set of rules for navigating the world as a result. You are probably still licing by your old and out of date rules which is why this still seems so current. It can absolutely change! Well worth looking into.

I think I can understand, having been bullied as both a child and an adult. Bullying is corrosive as it impacts on a person's sense of self and confidence - if others are attacking then the world is unsafe . The shame is part of the impact of the abuse.

I am also feeling that counselling would be a good thing. The impact of bereavement in recent months had laid some painful things bare for me.

A hug for you. This is not your fault, and not a sign of weakness or need that such experiences still impact on you. 💐

The things they were saying were extreme and so unkind. Im
not surprised it’s stayed with you to some extent.

I hope posting here helps in some way

That's the wonderful thing about a therapist though. You don't know them, they don't know you. You're their client. You can go in there and talk the hind legs off a donkey and never have to see or worry about them and what they think about you outside of those four walls.

I think it's something at least worth considering. You don't deserve it have this gnawing away at you for the rest of your life.

I am so sorry you were bullied. This is about them and not you. Bullies bully at random.

It is not a reflection of who you are now. You are actually incredible that you have developed strong relationships as an adult, despite your trauma. People like you for the person they see today. That’s enough.

Please seek counselling. Eight paracetamol can be so dangerous; I am so sorry that happened.

You deserve to feel better. Those idiots are responsible for this. Not you. X

I understand this. Had something similar happen to me when I was about 13. I too don't talk about it for the same reasons you don't. I had low self-esteem before it started, and I do wonder if bullies can somehow sense that. Hideously the bully was in the year below me at school.

I have been involved in group therapy and you would be surprised at how many people are dealing with this as an adult. A therapist would not blink at this as they will be well aware of the terrible effect it can have ongoing. Also if you have dc as they come to this age you will find the memories heightened so it's a good time to deal with it. Give therapy a go and decide before you go that you will talk about the bullying no matter what. Remember you were a little girl..it was nothing to do with you..they were possibly jealous of you and obviously very disturbed in their own life. If your own dc was bullied would your first thought be...there is something wrong with you? No. So there was nothing wrong with you. Counselling will help.

I am really sorry you went through that. I just want to say that when you feel the effects of what they said to you now, it isn't the adult you, it's the child you. It is just the hurt child that lives within many of us. Can I suggest to you something that a counsellor suggested to me? When you feel 'wrong' and ugly and inadequate because of what you experienced back then, give yourself a little hug and say to yourself something like "you're okay love, I'll mind you". Reassure that scared little girl that she is okay now and you have her back. She deserves it. ❤

I think my main issue is… I think they were right.
logically I know they were kids too, and kids are mean.
But my irrational response is that they were right.

From ages 7-15 approx I was a disgustingly nasty bully.

I don’t know if this will help you at all, but in my experience those who bully are going through awful things themselves so please know it’s really likely that it wasn’t you. There was/is nothing wrong with you . Unfortunately you may have have represented some other lacked . It’s not an excuse for their behaviour but maybe a possible explanation and for you to know that what they said wasn’t based on facts or what you are just them being idiots.

I feel guilty all the time and dread ever bumping into anyone I was nasty to. It was absolutely awful

Thank you. I know supposedly people who are happy don’t bully.
i think I was just an easy target. I moved schools and I’d had no issues at the previous school, been quite popular. I went expecting no problems and having previously enjoyed school. I was naive though, probably quite irritating. Reasonably bright and tried to do well. All the stuff other kids don’t like much. I wasn’t interested much in clothes and fashion, I liked horses at the time. The girls who instigated it all had older sisters and were already into boys and clothes at 10/11.

That's because your subconscious mind took it on board as a truth - not because it was true but because you didn't know an alternative truth. That 'truth' is still there. It's wrong, but it's persuasive because it's stuck in adolescent thinking - which is all it had at that time.

To quote the amazing Doc Amen (Instagram) just because you have a thought has nothing to do with whether or not it's true, it's not the thoughts you have that make you suffer, it's the thoughts you attach to it that do.

I think you would benefit from professional counselling to help you unpick this. These children did not have some incredible insight into your soul they were just kids. Since then you have had friendships and relationships so you are worthy of love and respect. Why is it that you hold onto these beliefs instead? It is far easier to believe the negative about ourselves than any positive.