To think this behaviour is abusive

[Flo798]

I coparent with my ex and we have a 10 month old DD. Ex hasn't been the best father but in recent months has been stepping up and is beginning to build a better bond with DD.

DD has always been quite unsettled with her dad. I think this is because he doesn't really have much experience with babies, so struggles interacting with her and knowing how to console her when she's upset etc. He has been getting better at this recently, but there are still times when DD is tearful with him.

Yesterday he decided to visit. He took DD to the park and came back to my house for a while and all was fine, until DD began crying (because she saw me and wanted to come to me) and he tried to calm her down, but it was just getting worse. She was stretching her arms out for me and was getting so worked up that it was literally like she was having a panic attack. I know that probably sounds like a very dramatic description but it's the only way I can describe it. At this point, I told ex to give DD to me. He said no, because 'she has to learn'. I was beginning to get really angry and upset as all I could think was I need to get my baby and calm her down. She was screaming and panting really heavily. I grabbed her from his arms and he began shouting at me, saying I'm "spoiling the baby" and claiming that I'm the reason she's so unsettled with him. I told him to leave and haven't answered any of his texts since.

Personally, I think it's abusive behaviour to allow a baby to get so worked up and refuse to give them to their mum. After he left, DD was still very upset and took a while to calm down. I feel really upset by this. Please someone tell me I was justified in my actions?

Yes 100% you're in the right. He just sounds jealous that she's not interested in him

It is impossible to spoil a baby under 12 months of age. The only thing your DD learned from that interchange with her father is that he stopped her feeling safe.

Babies and young children sometimes take against one parent and only want the other. It is perfectly normal, not something to get upset about. They usually switch around after a few days or weeks. Your ex sounds ridiculous. This is a baby, who has only been in the world about 300 days. If he was sent to an alien planet (here's hoping) I wonder how well he would be doing in 300 days in terms of learning how to interact and what the social rules are.

Yanbu.

@DemonicCaveMaggot , excellent post 👏

Just what does he think he is going to teach a baby in these circumstances, except that when she wants the security of her mum’s arms he refuses her and yells. Next he’ll complain that she is afraid of him. If he wants a secure bond with her she needs to feel safe and I’d suggest that during the next few contacts he stays in your presence — avoids holding her, let’s her roam fee and go to him when she feels like it.
Actually his attitude appears rather punitive and you need to watch that doesn’t attempt to punish her for failing to react as he would wish.