Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parental alienation?

38 replies

MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 17:56

I want to give my ex an ultimatum of either step up or step out but this is apparently parental alienation? He sees them as a when he can be bothered no set times at all he refuses to stick to any schedule or be consistent, he will only tell me a few days before that he wants to see them 🙄 he will go a month or more without seeing them at all. He won't see them any more than once a month at the most (not overnight) I'm sick of him dropping them and picking them up when he feels like it its upsetting the children who feel like they barely know him (the most time he has spent with them was 4 hours) apparently its parental alienation for me to give him an ultimatum. So this should just carry on? as its affecting the children who don't know when they are seeing him from one minute to the next.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 17:58

To add he wouldn't go to court so that's not an issue anyway

OP posts:
Choconutty · 28/05/2023 18:04

They'll claim it - but he's alienating himself - you're not causing it by enforcing a certain amount of notice - that's just planning.

Mine sees the kids once a fortnight for the day. He's claimed through his solicitor that I'm keeping the kids away from him - but the fact of the matter is that with children you get out what you put in, and he can't be bothered to talk to them, show interest in them, or fit in with their lives, so sometimes when he tries to 'book' them, they've got other things they'd prefer to be doing.

It's just an extension of how he treated them when we were together, and he could barely bother to talk to them, despite living in the same house, for days on end (or weeks if he was travelling for work)

WilkinsonM · 28/05/2023 18:12

Says who? Him? Why would you take his word on anything to do with parenting?

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 18:12

I honestly don't know how they can claim it who chooses to go a month without seeing their kids? How is that fair on him its like a stranger picking them up they barely know him we split when they was young

OP posts:
Original poster
MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 18:13

WilkinsonM · 28/05/2023 18:12

Says who? Him? Why would you take his word on anything to do with parenting?

Nope a parenting group i asked about giving him an ultimatum some of the parents have said its parental alienation

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 28/05/2023 18:16

I wouldn't ask any more advice from them in that case, they sound nuts

Hankunamatata · 28/05/2023 18:18

If he doesn't work weekends or have a shift schedule then I'd tell him he sticks to proper visitation schedule or your not avaliable to facilitate contact

Parisj · 28/05/2023 18:26

No experience or knowledge, but I would say if you go through a few steps first, asking reasonably in writing, noting impact on the kids, discuss with a professional or try to ask him to use together some of the tools available on the gov website for shared parenting. Record his cooperation or non cooperation with these efforts. And if he's not going to go to court then I can't imagine anyone else will take it up for him. Evidence your attempts I mean. But remain aware of the impact of no contact on them as well as sporadic contact.

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 18:26

He doesn't work that's what makes it worse

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 28/05/2023 19:37

It’s not parental alienation, it’s having boundaries. It’s detrimental to the DC to be continually let down by their dad. Give him times he can see them, make them available, if he doesn’t turn up say 30 mins after arranged time then visit is cancelled and you all get on with your day.

Parental alienation is now being seen in a different light apparently. Lots of dads esp in US shoot about it in custody hearings and seem to be believed, particularly where abuse is mentioned https://www.insider.com/parental-alienation-syndrome-father-alleged-child-abuse-win-custody-case-2023-5?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=yahoo.com

Her son said his stepdad was sexually abusive. A judge gave the stepdad custody anyway. Then she found the photographs.

How the 'junk science' of parental alienation infiltrated American family courts and allowed accused child abusers to win custody of their kids.

https://www.insider.com/parental-alienation-syndrome-father-alleged-child-abuse-win-custody-case-2023-5?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=yahoo.com

Summerhillsquare · 28/05/2023 19:48

Man discovers his actions have consequences for him, shocker

Aria2015 · 28/05/2023 20:07

It's super annoying and he's letting his kids down, but I'd still try and facilitate what you can. My dad left and was pretty useless, but my mum always tried to keep things going. As soon as we were old enough, we soon realised how useless he was and we saw him less and less, but that was on our terms. I think if my mum had given an ultimatum and we'd not seen him, there would have been a danger that we'd have had more of a fairytale idea of him and then if he'd have told us, he'd wanted to see us and she'd been a barrier, we might have felt resentment towards her. As hard as it was, she facilitated what she could and then just waited the long game. We soon came to the realisation she was our rock and he was a pretty useless dad.

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 28/05/2023 20:09

I can't honestly deal with him seeing them once a month for a few hours anymore its causing too much resentment the kids don't want to see him anyway they don't want to go with him and I think that's because he is so uninvolved they see him as a stranger he needs to see them once a week not once a month its not even over night and is all on his terms he will tell me 2/3 days before

OP posts:
PurpleNebula84 · 28/05/2023 20:11

Lolapusht · 28/05/2023 19:37

It’s not parental alienation, it’s having boundaries. It’s detrimental to the DC to be continually let down by their dad. Give him times he can see them, make them available, if he doesn’t turn up say 30 mins after arranged time then visit is cancelled and you all get on with your day.

Parental alienation is now being seen in a different light apparently. Lots of dads esp in US shoot about it in custody hearings and seem to be believed, particularly where abuse is mentioned https://www.insider.com/parental-alienation-syndrome-father-alleged-child-abuse-win-custody-case-2023-5?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=yahoo.com

Oh my goodness! That's just horrific reading. I really don't hope this becomes a trend in the UK... Children being forced to live with their abusers... Its sickening.

PurpleNebula84 · 28/05/2023 20:11

I mean really hope it doesn't become a trend

Hellno45 · 28/05/2023 20:16

I would tell him he is welcome to see the kids on Saturday fortnightly between x and y time. I would give him the next 4 contact dates. If he choses not to turn up ththat'on him. Im suggesting fortnightly because why should they be sitting around wasting their weeken for a dad that probably won't even shoe up. Are ex patentsvintetested in being involved?

Lolapusht · 29/05/2023 07:35

Isn’t it horrendous? It seems the more the other parent or children complains, the more it’s seen as evidence of alienation.

Great example of pseudoscience being taken as gospel then turning out to be nonsense. I’m sure there are cases of a parent turning the children against the other one, but not to the extent it’s claimed.

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 09:42

Hellno45 · 28/05/2023 20:16

I would tell him he is welcome to see the kids on Saturday fortnightly between x and y time. I would give him the next 4 contact dates. If he choses not to turn up ththat'on him. Im suggesting fortnightly because why should they be sitting around wasting their weeken for a dad that probably won't even shoe up. Are ex patentsvintetested in being involved?

Ah unfortunately both of exes parents had passed away before I met him so no parents ever involved. He has siblings but no they aren’t interested at all. I’m going to do what you suggested I cant have the once a month or every 6 weeks things continue it’s really unfair on the children not knowing if/when they are going to see him again. He lives in the same city as us and doesn’t work so there’s really no excuse at this point other than him not wanting to.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 29/05/2023 10:01

It's not parental alienation.

Ignore whoever said that.

Support your children by insisting on reasonable notice for his visits.

Hellno45 · 29/05/2023 10:36

MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 09:42

Ah unfortunately both of exes parents had passed away before I met him so no parents ever involved. He has siblings but no they aren’t interested at all. I’m going to do what you suggested I cant have the once a month or every 6 weeks things continue it’s really unfair on the children not knowing if/when they are going to see him again. He lives in the same city as us and doesn’t work so there’s really no excuse at this point other than him not wanting to.

Show quote history

It's ashame that his siblings aren't interested. Could you reach out to them.

I would message them...

I would really like the children to know your side of the family. It's important that they have the largest network of love and support avaliable to them. I am happy to facilitate any contact you would like to have with them. If your interested in meeting please get in touch.

TheFireflies · 29/05/2023 10:39

It’s not parental alienation. It does exist, but like many other phrases in common use these days, it’s most often misused.

You need to do what is right for your children OP, and if they’re distressed by his unreliability then it’s him causing the problems, not you.

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 10:49

Hellno45 · 29/05/2023 10:36

It's ashame that his siblings aren't interested. Could you reach out to them.

I would message them...

I would really like the children to know your side of the family. It's important that they have the largest network of love and support avaliable to them. I am happy to facilitate any contact you would like to have with them. If your interested in meeting please get in touch.

Show quote history

No I won’t be messaging them. I would if it was his parents 100% but not siblings. He has a sister and a brother but they’ve never reached out in any way but I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to siblings as it’s different from a parent imo. I have siblings myself who barely bother with my kids.

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 29/05/2023 11:08

MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 10:49

No I won’t be messaging them. I would if it was his parents 100% but not siblings. He has a sister and a brother but they’ve never reached out in any way but I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to siblings as it’s different from a parent imo. I have siblings myself who barely bother with my kids.

Show quote history

That's a shame. I would fight tooth and nail to have a relationship with my nephews if the mother's were receptive. I'd be prepared to fall out with my siblings over it.

Original poster
MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 11:12

yeah I would be happy for a relationship but I’ve never heard from them I’m not going to reach out they can ask ex for my number I have no way of contacting them and don’t feel comfortable asking ex for their numbers it would be a little odd as we don’t have that kind of relationship. I have no way to contact them otherwise than through him.

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 29/05/2023 11:15

MoonlightLily · 29/05/2023 11:12

yeah I would be happy for a relationship but I’ve never heard from them I’m not going to reach out they can ask ex for my number I have no way of contacting them and don’t feel comfortable asking ex for their numbers it would be a little odd as we don’t have that kind of relationship. I have no way to contact them otherwise than through him.

Facebook