Problems with ex

[Startingupagain]

I’m just posting her for traffic and advice.
My ex and I split up about 5 months ago, his decision, I did not want to split.
We have one very young DC.

Since the split there have been things happen which have totally changed the way I see him, he has treated me horribly at times and I feel like he’s had a personality transplant.

He is currently living with his parents while we sort out our respective housing situations.
It has recently come to light that he has not been telling his parents when I have suggested he has our DC (he does see them regularly but definitely not making as much of an effort as he could, and in my opinion he is really shaping up to be a pretty lousy dad)
there have been numerous occasions over the last few weeks where I’ve suggested he has them overnight for a couple of nights as initially he said that’s what he wanted, every time I’ve done so there has been a reason or an excuse as to why he can’t have them more than 1 night.
It is now apparent that his DM and DF have assumed I have been limiting contact and they have clearly all been discussing it with the wider family and I am being made out to be the horror ex that’s trying to stop him having the best relationship with his DC.

that is not who I am, I want to nurture their relationship, my DC deserves that. It really eats me up to think I’m being portrayed this way.
i have set the record straight with his DM and she then began to say that she didn’t think I would do that and she had wondered if it was down to him being flaky for want of a better word.
I am so frustrated at the situation, it became very clear that she is very angry at him for the whole situation but because she will never tell him that it seems that she’s making me the outlet for her anger and turning me into the villain of the piece.
Do I just accept the situation for what it is and limit my own contact with his parents as much as possible? I just can’t believe that people who I actually cared about and been in their lives have just turned on me simply because ex and I are no longer in a relationship. I feel incredibly sad and frustrated about it all.

How old is your DC?

and do you get on with anyone on his family that you could speak to?

Do you really want him to have your very young Child more than a night? Sounds like a blessing he’s not keen

That's so annoying. Sadly, a split can make you see someone's true colours, and not in a good way.
For now, I wouldn't focus on the overnight thing and make sure you get the maintenance you're entitled to.

No to be honest, I don’t really want to give up any time with them as the unreasonable part of me thinks I didn’t choose this so why should I miss out on them but at the sand time I do genuinely want them to have a great relationship with ex, they adore him and they should benefit from having him in their lives.
I could probably speak to a few of them but none of them seem to want to talk to me much, which is no wonder really when they’ve spent the last x amount of weeks believing the worst about me.

How old are your children?

you can’t force this issue, and you really don’t want to when you think about it.

offer the time, and that’s about it.

if you care what his family thinks, drop his parents an email and suggest that they may like to be copied in to arrangements re the children given they’ll be at their house

he does see them regularly but definitely not making as much of an effort as he could, and in my opinion he is really shaping up to be a pretty lousy dad)

you genuinely want to pursue and encourage contact with him and you to have a “great relationship” with him despite thinking this?

Op. Offer. Be grateful someone like this isn’t pushing for 50:50

Does it matter what he is telling anyone? I wouldn't care 🤷 if your child is very young one day a week seems fair he shouldn't be having the child every weekend no matter the age as you should get weekends too

In my experience you have to train yourself to not care what these people think of you. Fake it til you make it. As long as you know you’re not in the wrong and you’re doing your best that’s the main thing.

I left my ex due to his abuse. His family have witnessed his temper, some of his total unreasonable behaviour and some of his controlling ways. They still hold me
totally responsible for my children coming from a “broken home” (horrible term). In the beginning it made me so angry that I was getting the blame until I realised I don’t actually give a fuck about these people, nor do I respect them at all.

Just be done with it all. Make it clear he is welcome to every other weekend one overnight and if he wants more he can ask for it. If he doesn't show up by 10am on Saturday of his weekend you will get on with your day. Do this in an email and cc in his mum.

what you have to learn is you cannot change his behaviour or what kind of dad of dad he is …

Your Dc might deserve better but you can’t make him be better.

Also disentangle yourself from his family it sounds harsh they aren’t your family anymore and divorce charges that relationship in so many ways .

Unfortunately this is very common. If you post on the relationship board you will find countless stories of men who undergo a personality transplant. When ex left suddenly for another woman it was the most bewildering thing that within days I suddenly was dealing with a stranger who treated me as though I had done so something terrible to him. It's v v hard.
As to contact, I suggest you offer him a fairly standard set pattern of every other weekend and a weeknight and somehow communicate that to his family. And then leave it alone. Oh and get onto the CMS to set up maintenance. If you know his salary you could use the online calculator first and ask him to set up a standing order but if he quibbles or refuses, just ask CMS.

Would his parents help to facilitate the contact, so pick dc up on a regular day/ time for his contact even if he doesn't. Not more than he would normally have, unless by prior arrangement but you could tell ex I will either give dc to you or MIL/FIL, you arrange between the three of you who is picking dc up. Tell PIL as well. Every other Sat 10 am to Sun 4 pm and then on a Wed for tea. Put the ball back into their court.

My XH has done exactly the same @Startingupagain and it is very hard to take the blame for something that not only have you not done, but where you have actively done the opposite. But as @GiveupHQ says, actually be grateful that he’s not bothering, as he’s clearly not bothered your DC will do a lot better without too much of him in their lives.

You’ve let his mother know it’s not you, and you’ll have to leave it at that; my X won’t have the kids any of the school holidays but I imagine he’s told his family I won’t let him - these men are arseholes and not worth our energy.