Cutting off someone with MH issues

[Wheredoibelong3]

just looking for advice or help from anyone.

I had a horrendous childhood thanks to my mom.

but as an adult I can see that so many of her issues were down to undiagnosed MH issues. Some were down to just being a horrible person. But she clearly has significant MH problems too. It’s not an excuse for her behaviour but possibly an explanation. She clearly still has significant MH issues now. I suppose what I’m wondering is, do I cut her off? Or is that cruel given that she has MH issues and really doesn’t have anyone else in her life? I’m a (young) adult now and could happily cut her off completely and move on with the next chapter of my life, but she has nobody else and I’m all she has left so I feel bad about cutting her off especially if there could be mental health issues. x

If she makes your life worse then setting boundaries or cutting contact is reasonable.

If you stay in her life you need to do it at a distance - physically and emotionally and not feel that you can fix her by exhausting yourself. You have your own life and owe her nothing but if you can do it without being overwhelmed or upset then that’s great. If however, you find that involvement damages you, then you need to step back.

Is she open to getting some support for her mental health issues or is she undiagnosed because she's in denial?
I would be open to continuing a relationship- at emotional arms' length, so to speak (to protect myself), if the person was trying to help themselves.

I'm in a similar situation. My mum had an abusive childhood and I therefore have some patience and understanding due to her mental health issues. She made my childhood hellish and I had to grow up fast.

My solution was to move a couple of hours away. I see my family every other month or so and I feel in control as I can leave any time. I'm in my early 30s now and it is more challenging now that I have a toddler. It may get to the point where I have to tighten my boundaries up further depending on her behaviour as I simply won't tolerate any potentially frightening behaviour in front of my son. I might meet them halfway for day trips as an example.

You need to find a path that works for you, but you don't need to completely cut her off to protect yourself in the first instance. It's your choice.

Similar to Curseofthenation except I made the decision to move about an hour away so there would never be a discussion about anyone staying with anyone else. I had a whole bunch of rules - started with no overnights and don't answer the phone after 5pm, but then had to add in I would only see her when DH was around, then add in she wouldn't drink in my presence, and then that she wouldn't turn up drunk/on drugs, then add in she would never be alone with DC and out of earshot of me/DH - quite frankly it was ridiculous and she just pushed and pushed and at the point she was actively putting the kids in physical danger that was it.

The last few times I saw her I'd popped in for a cup of tea while the kids were at school, and I wish I'd gone for that approach about 5 years beforehand.

Reasonable if it is to protect yourself.

I had very similar. Contact ended in my late 20s and honestly, if it hadn't I'd have ended up severely mentally ill myself. No regrets, I was also the last one standing, but my mother didn't sink from what I know, went on to live her life away from me, that's all. You matter, your life matters, you don't owe your mother the rest of your life propping her up while you get dragged further and further down and she never gets better. Don't end up 10 years from now wishing you'd cut contact, but even more enmeshed. If you're looking for permission, I'm giving it to you, do it. Best of luck.

I have a mentally ill parent and find it best for my own mental health to limit contact to once every 4/5 months, with my own time limit. I visit in person once a year and actually it's improved our relationship to reduce contact because there's less resentment now.