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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your partner and you morning routine

23 replies

Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 10:29

We have two beautiful children 5yrs and 6 months
We've been together for 9 years we have a very good relationship or so I thought. DP before the children lived a life of either be at work all hours or he was asleep or out with friends occasionally but on our days off we'd make an effort to spend it together. When i fell pregnant with our eldest I said to him it would be a good idea to move in together. Things have turnt abit shit since I put it down to him working so thought nothing of it but he has never gotten up with the children not once since they've both been born. I've always been the one to do night feeds and mornings. I had to go back to work this time around when my youngest was 4 months as his wages wasn't stretching far enough I work 4 nights a week 8pm-3am he works the other 3 in the day. On my work nights I am up at 7am to do school run and look after the baby and always make sure they're both in bed and asleep when I leave for work he does nothing and says he's entitled to sleep in on his days off. We even had covid we were both very rough with it but in his words "I'm too poorly to help" so I had to still carry the load.

Since reading on here I've come to the conclusion this isn't right, so mumsnet what's normal? AIBU to ask for a few lays in while I work ?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 10:31

Of course you are, it should be a day each on the weekend

Sanch1 · 28/05/2023 10:31

No it's not right. If that were my DH and I he'd get up with the children and do school/nursery runs on the days I'd worked til 3am, then on the other days I would do it. It's about working together and being a team. He's a selfish arse!!

Original poster
Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 10:35

Sanch1 · 28/05/2023 10:31

No it's not right. If that were my DH and I he'd get up with the children and do school/nursery runs on the days I'd worked til 3am, then on the other days I would do it. It's about working together and being a team. He's a selfish arse!!

I've told him countless time he's a selfish prick and I'm more than happy to do mornings on his work days but I'm always etc with defensive behaviour or excuses like the one I stated above or "I didn't hear the kids" countless time my oldest will ask DP to come down stairs with him but is always met with "in a minute" I get up with the kids at 7am he will get out of bed no earlier than 10:30am he doesn't see this as a problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 10:36

Met with**

OP posts:
Changeforachange · 28/05/2023 10:37

He works 3 days a week? While you do 4 night shifts?

For comparison, I work 4 days, DH works 5 and we take it in turns to lie in at the weekend. DH does 2 drop offs/pick ups on my long work days & I do the other 3. This is flexible depending who's out & about that day.

In other words, we are partners and try to work together to make it fair & enable our working patterns.

Your DP sounds like a selfish arse.

Songbird54321 · 28/05/2023 10:42

Just no. He sounds intolerable. We both work 5 days a week, my partner also works every other Saturday so we're both up quite early 6 days a week. He doesn't particularly like lie ins but I still leave him in bed every other Sunday, even if it is only for 45 minutes til he gets up.
We also try to alternate who does housework, who looks after kids and who gets an afternoon off etc. It's not rocket science, it's common sense and fair.
I'd be inclined to tell him he can leave and have as much of a 'break' as he likes.

GreenestValley · 28/05/2023 10:45

He doesnt get up until 10.30 earliest?

WTF.

genuinely you need to say you will stop doing it.

if you leave him, he’ll have to do 100% of the care whenever he sees the kids. That might shock him into pulling his weight.

Original poster
Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 14:48

I can tell and tell and tell till I'm blue in the face but nothing ever changes or he'll do it for about a week then he'll fall into the same bar pattern again. I feel like I'm losing my cool over it and will no doubt start a argument with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 14:49

Bad pattern*

OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/05/2023 14:57

But he's not going to change is he? You've been with him nine years and had two children with him (why?). Do you honestly think you can say to him 'Mumsnet thinks you're a lazy shit ... please give me a lie in' and he's going to turn round and say 'sorry darling, quite right, we will alternate lie-ins'.

These threads crop up every single day, it's utterly depressing. Women married or living with lazy men and 'hoping' to change them.

Fairislefandango · 28/05/2023 15:00

I can tell and tell and tell till I'm blue in the face but nothing ever changes

Of course nothing changes - he doesn't want to do his bit and he already knows you will put up with it, as you have done for 6 years. He'll happily tolerate a bit of complaining from you in exchange for continuing not to get off his selfish, lazy arse and do anything. He won't change. You have two choices - accept this is how your life will be, or ditch him.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/05/2023 16:06

So not to ask the obvious question… but it appears he was this way with the first? Did you think the second would be any different?

GalileoHumpkins · 28/05/2023 16:09

we have a very good relationship

Everything you've written after that would seem to suggest otherwise, do you really think this is a good relationship?

Testina · 28/05/2023 16:10

Would it be a different story do you think, if your children were butt ugly?

BreviloquentBastard · 28/05/2023 16:13

Yet another woman whose bar for a "very good relationship" is on the bottom of the Mariana Trench. It's so fucking depressing to read basically this thread over and over again every day on here. "Men not to marry and reproduce with" should become a mandatory school subject ffs.

Qwerty28 · 28/05/2023 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ragwort · 28/05/2023 16:32

Totally agree Brevil I just try to avoid such threads now as I have nothing useful to add but I wonder if women reading them before having DC ... or before having a second or even third DC with a useless man actually take any notice? Or does everyone blindly think 'my DH is different' ☹️.

GalileoHumpkins · 28/05/2023 16:38

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

?

Qwerty28 · 28/05/2023 16:42

Completely wrong post sorry guys!! As you were!! Haha

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 16:48

Utterlyexhusted · 28/05/2023 14:48

I can tell and tell and tell till I'm blue in the face but nothing ever changes or he'll do it for about a week then he'll fall into the same bar pattern again. I feel like I'm losing my cool over it and will no doubt start a argument with him

Talking and arguing about it does nothing. Absolutely nada. You need actions.

Personally I wouldn't be having sex with a man who was content to watch me run myself into the ground while he lay in but that's me. I certainly think you need to be too tired to wash his clothes, sort his meals, or whatever else it is you do for him. Fuck that for a laugh.

Men respond to consequences.

Hollyppp · 28/05/2023 16:53

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 16:48

Talking and arguing about it does nothing. Absolutely nada. You need actions.

Personally I wouldn't be having sex with a man who was content to watch me run myself into the ground while he lay in but that's me. I certainly think you need to be too tired to wash his clothes, sort his meals, or whatever else it is you do for him. Fuck that for a laugh.

Men respond to consequences.

Show quote history

yes exactly this!

mrlistersgelfbride · 28/05/2023 17:03

Sorry he's taking the piss so much OP. You must be exhausted.
For what it's worth, my partner works 5 days a week from home and I work 4 days a week with 60 miles round commute and every day I'm up with our daughter and I take her to school, bath her and put her to bed every night. Sometimes he's still in bed at 8:45 am when we leave and I never get a lie in or help in the mornings.
So you aren't alone.
The night shifts sound like a killer- any chance of looking for something with day time hours?
Don't have any more kids with him.

Tigofigo · 28/05/2023 17:22

This is just absolutely bonkers. How selfish is he? Is he a much higher earner so thinks he's better?

Stop doing it all.

Stop taking the kids on the days you work - tell him he's doing it.

When oldest wakes up, keep saying to him "DC is calling you" until he responds.

On the days he works, tell him you're entitled to a lie in on your days off and don't get out of bed.

If you don't change, why should he?

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