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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands ex wife

23 replies

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 04:13

my husband has 2 girls with his ex 13 and 9

he split ages ago met me (I have a 4year old) and we are now married

his ex was constantly messaging saying he didn’t pay enough (he gave her the house and nearly £800 a month) and paid for anything like school unifprm when they needed it

she would shout swear say we don’t have them enough he’s a bad father all in front of the kids

his daughter couldn’t cope anymore and begged to move here with us

she has been here a year had to move schools to do so and is very happy we got her counselling and the end report says she’s definitely understanding her feels better and she’s more stable here with no violence. The oldest daughter still lives with her mum and can get quite resentful but we have her as often as we can

I constantly get abusive messages and calls from his ex wife saying I am taking her daughter and she’s not mine so why am I using someone else’s daughter and calling me some disgusting words and telling me my Husband hurt her and abused her (he did not her story doesn’t add up)

its putting my stepdaughter in the middle as she does it in front of her (we do not) any advice?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/05/2023 04:27

Well block her for a start. She can communicate with your husband/her DD’s father. How often do you see her sister? Splitting them up must have been extremely traumatic for both of them.

Is he claiming maintenance from her for the one now living with you?

Rhubarbandtoast · 28/05/2023 04:38

Block her and don’t communicate with her.
If his DD is living with you he can cut back on the child support he pays ex.
Does the other dd want to move in with you ?
Is it possible in any way?
That way you’d both be able to cut ties and the ex would have to pay child support to your dh.
Both his daughters would be together and from sound of it, free of a toxic environment.
Just a thought.

OttoGraph · 28/05/2023 04:45

Don’t engage
you could seek legal advice to get the messages to stop, you have evidence of the messages.

apply for child maintenance for the dsd

HoppingPavlova · 28/05/2023 04:54

Why haven’t you blocked her? Any contact goes through your DH and no need for him to bore you with her ranting/raving. Problem solved.

Billyho · 28/05/2023 05:39

As others say block her……

HadEnough2023 · 28/05/2023 06:12

Block her. All contact to go through your husband.

I imagine the other dd will want to move in with you too at some point, she sounds unhinged.

Bbqshowdownusa · 28/05/2023 06:19

Just bloke her number? Why haven’t you already…

TheKobayashiMaru · 28/05/2023 07:45

Just repeating the message to block her. No need for her to contact you directly.

Original poster

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 09:53

I block her but she emails me sends me letters texts the daughter that lives here things to show me

I see her sister so the daughter that doesn’t love with me every other weekend

OP posts:

Flowerycat · 28/05/2023 09:57

Can you send her a message stating you want an amicable relationship for the sake of the children but it’s best she speaks to their father and that you consider this harassment and any further messages via any medium will be shown to the police?

justasking111 · 28/05/2023 10:05

How distressing for your step daughter to be the messenger. Is the ex wife a drunk?

Mumof1andacat · 28/05/2023 10:13

You can go to the police. Its harassment.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 28/05/2023 11:51

Police, of course. Your husband should have been safeguarding his child from the woman’s abuse long ago.

Original poster

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 18:45

I was told it’s not harassment if it is relating to the child

OP posts:

Original poster

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 18:47

I just wonder if she’s mentally unwell not in a bad way just maybe she needs some help

OP posts:

Original poster

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 18:47

I send a please can we be civil only talk about the kids or talk to hubby message about once every 12 weeks she refuses to talk to him

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 28/05/2023 18:51

You just ignore all of it, or just send a random emoji each time. she’ll eventually stop

Densol57 · 28/05/2023 18:51

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 18:45

I was told it’s not harassment if it is relating to the child

Absolute drivel !! Who “told” you its not harassment ?
if she contacts you in a way that causes you harassment alarm and distress and should know it would then its harassment.
There is no “free” ticket to harassment just because its about the children !

Block her, block her email. Any contact to be via the dad not you.

openstop · 28/05/2023 18:54

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 09:53

I block her but she emails me sends me letters texts the daughter that lives here things to show me

I see her sister so the daughter that doesn’t love with me every other weekend

Tell the daughter to stop passing on messages. And send a recorded delivery letter asking her to stop contacting you or you will go to the police. Then go to the police.

openstop · 28/05/2023 18:55

Sara198 · 28/05/2023 18:45

I was told it’s not harassment if it is relating to the child

Who told you that? She doesn't need to be contacting you - ever

Aimtodobetter · 03/10/2024 12:09

Just never respond to the hurtful messages - in the end you can control how they make you feel when you remember that it’s all about her issues and nothing about you. I had an abusive stepmother I had to deal with a lot after my father’s death and over time it became like water off a duck’s back and as a nice addition it would drive her nuts when I didn’t respond to anything negative she ever said and just occasionally politely answered the actual part of the question. By being the calm in the storm you will also set a good example for the children involved. Also, eventually with no emotional response whatsoever the horrible insults die out because there is no emotional gratification to be had for her when she gets zero response.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 03/10/2024 12:13

@Aimtodobetter this thread is from May last year.

BrightYellowStar · 03/10/2024 12:20

Honestly I think you are mad tolerating this!

Block her across ALL platforms (including emails). If she messages from another address/number then ignore it and block also.

If she messages via one of the girls tell the girls, "Sorry I'm not able to take any messages from your mum" and don't read/respond to them.

She is not the boss of you yet you are allowing her to be. Fuck that.

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