To think people who are invested in you ask questions?

[AnaLaBooth]

I am a late bloomer when it comes to getting my shit together and sorting out my boundaries.

My close friend of 30 years and my ex of 28 years are the subjects of my post. Neither of them ever asked me anything - what I liked, what my opinion was, how I felt, largely.

One thing they have in common, which I am sure can't be the reason is that they are both older than me by 15 yrs plus.

The friend : we are now living at distance, but occasionally chat on phone and email. I began to realise that i am being 'talked at' instead of 'talked to' if that makes any sense at all? And once i could see it, I can't bloody unsee it. So most of my conversations go nowhere. I dont mean she is selfish, more that she doesnt show interest. This has how it's always been, and i have always felt a bit confused with her. At arms length i suppose.

My ex was similar, as i am beginning to realise. He rarely enquired anything about me at all, only if he thought I might be upset. He never wanted to share, plan or converse with me, although he was not at all typically abusive. It is odd how the both of them are similar in this way. Most other people I know are/seem more regular.

What i want to ask is..does anyone even get this? Is it weird to never ask people anything? Doesn't intimacy just provoke it, generally? I suppose i lived with this for so long it felt normal to me. I would hate people to question me interrogatively or go to the other extreme, but I suppose balance is healthy. Now i have moved away, started a new life as such and it is all beginning to occur to me. I am still close to both of these people, and wish them well, but I do find it odd.

I know what you mean but I'm afraid I don't know what the answer is.

I'm a fairly reserved person and unless someone asks me questions about myself or unless the conversation flows very naturally I tend not to talk about myself.

Sometimes I get mildly frustrated when someone just talks at me and I've come to realise that maybe it's just that the chemistry isn't quite right with them for me, as generally they're not awful people. Maybe some people converse in a way where they tell you about themselves and they expect you to offer your "stories"? I love it when people seem genuinely interested in me in a nice non-creepy way.

Thanks. What this made me realise is that they didnt tell me anything about themselves either. It's a weird one!

Yes, if you care about the other person it is normal and polite to ask them questions about themselves.

So, i wonder why are these people like this? And why me?

Some people are just not good conversationalists.

Did they show you that they cared about you? Actions speak louder then words after all.

I am completely the same

I have two closeish friends but honestly I do not think they know anything about me!! I'm like their fucking therapist, they just offload on to me!!

Friendships usually bloom through a psychological process called "disclosure".
So someone offers information about themselves, something personal, then the recipient of that information shares something about themselves in return.
Questions aren't always necessary for this exchange to take place.

Are you an extremely introverted person? Why do you feel you can't share information without being directly asked?

Some people don't like asking questions because they're shy.

I don't ask friends a lot of questions, because I don't want to pry or pressurise them, however I m fully open to them sharing anything they ld like to with me.

It's a hard one to balance.

I'm not a natural at conversation and relationships because I grew up in a strange abusive home where we basically hid. And no-one came near us because everyone was scared of my dad. So we never really saw adults having civilized conversation or small talk.
Sometimes I watch my SIL in envy because she can chat to anyone.
It's a learned skill.
I feel like I'm embarrassing myself.

I think I can relate to what you're saying about being 'talked at' and I think it can be especially pronounced when there is a power imbalance like with the age gap you describe.

I also find myself being frustrated by some of the replies to you on this thread! Because I don't think people have really tried to understand your words and are now offering solutions or explanations (but maybe that's just my take).

To answer your question - OF COURSE it's normal to want to know more about someone you are interested/invested in and OF COURSE asking them questions about themselves is a good way to find this out.

I am in my mid 40s now and honestly it gets worse. The number of people who think a 90 minute monologue about themselves without so much of a 'how are you?' in there passes for a good catch up is mindblowing.

It's ok to cut those people loose.

No, they're not remotely shy.
I dont know what it is to be honest.
Both grew up differently to me, somewhat, from struggling families financially and the female friend denies and rejects her background. Neither of them suffered abuse but although similar in many ways I did grow up differently, but not enough to separate us.

An example is with my ex when I lived with him i could be alone in a room for 8 hours and he got on with his own stuff and never spoke to me. He wasnt ignorant or cruel but he would only ask me if i wanted a drink or whatever. This could go on for months, years, and only i would talk to him, very rarely the other way around.
We split after 28 years over this, as there was remotely no interest in me or any commitment whatsoever.

The friend is similar. Can talk on the phone about deep stuff but never really wants to know me.

Can I ask why you stayed so long with your partner if he didn’t show an interest? That’s when if the first things I look for in a guy before we even start dating. Or was it that he acted interested initially but then dropped the act when he got comfortable?

I think there could be two things going on, one is that they are both a bit self centred and the second thing could be that they’ve designated you as ‘the listener’ in your relationship. There could be other relationships they enjoy where the communication is more two way but with you they see you as someone who is there to listen to them.

I think it's rude not to ask questions or take an interest in the other person you are talking to. Can't stand it when people only talk about themselves!

Some people are just self absorbed. Have you made any new friends?

I have a couple of colleagues like this. I could tell you the names and ages of their kids, what they did on any given weekend, tell you about their husbands, pets, their kids hobbies. Because when I see them I listen and ask interested questions.

Pretty sure both of them would struggle to tell you anything about me because after two years of working together I don’t recall a single occasion on which they’ve asked me anything about me and my life. They’re not interested. Nor am I interested particularly in their lives, but as we work closely together I have the manners to pretend I am. Plus they’ll talk about themselves voluntarily all day long without being asked.

My two SILs are the same. Whenever I see them I take time to ask about their kids, work, I remember details from the last time ie new hobby a nephew taken up or niece having tough time at school. I do not remember a single time they’ve asked me even one question about my life.

I was brought up to reflect on conversations with people and ask what I’d learned about a person after any conversation with them. If the answer is nothing then it means I’d only talked about myself.

It’s basic manners really. Some people just never got the memo and think it’s ok just to talk about themselves.

You are absolutely correct. I know people like this. They are happy to dominate the conversation with their own experiences and concerns, and never ask about you. If you do try to turn the conversation around to you, they just turn it straight back.

My sister is a little like this, she’s rather self obsessed. Usually I’m ok with it being all about her as I have a pretty easy drama free life. If I need to talk about something I’ll say ‘I need to talk about me today’ and she listens. It works for us!

BIL is like this. Makes conversation then you realise it’s just all about him and his DC, or anything he finds interesting. I don’t think he has once asked how I am (certainly hasn’t listened for the answer if he’s asked). He will chatter on for hours about their DC’s very specific hobbies though.

SIL believes he is undiagnosed ASD.

Some people just don’t really seem to be able to make conversation. I agree it can be tiresome and appear rude.

I know plenty of people like this op. I can sympathize, but they never change.

I dont think I managed to explain it well, apologies everyone!

What I mean is, they DONT talk about themselves really either. It is largely surface talk, everyday chat such as what they hear in news or whatever. Neither ask me any opinion or feeling about anything, not even 'what are you doing today?', which in a relationship is very bizarre.

I think the friend is like this with everyone, soaks up their info but never really wants to know them or share herself. Fair enough I suppose.

I stayed with ex because i was quite obviously accepting of who he was. Why, I dont know!

II once asked my ex about it and his answer was 'i dont ask because you tell me." Never knew what to make of that.

If people don't ask you, just get in and talk about yourself.

Could your ex have been on the spectrum? It is extremely typical fir people on the spectrum to not think to ask about others. Their brains are wired differently

I have a friend who does nothing but ask me questions. It's really annoying. It's like she's got a full mental checklist of everything I said last time, and she wants to get through it like an interview.

I prefer asking a genuine and open "how are you?", so they can talk about whatever they like, and the odd specific "how's it going with x problem?", but otherwise let conversation flow normally.

(Disclaimer: due to my mum being a journalist, I think I'm particularly averse to being endlessly questioned by interviewers who are trying to get the "right" answer out of me, rather than hear what I want to say.)

Are you an extremely introverted person? Why do you feel you can't share information without being directly asked?

I don't think this is what the OP is pointing to (although OP, correct me if I'm wrong here). If I'm understanding correctly, she COULD share information about herself, but what she wants is to feel that the person she's in a friendship or relationship is interested enough to ask.

It's not about airtime, necessarily – it's about feeling that they care.

I feel exactly the same, OP. The sensation that someone really wants to know and understand you is very special, and there's not many better (or simpler) ways of offering that than asking questions.