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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions please??

13 replies

Dec2015July2022 · 27/05/2023 20:33

Just wanted to hear others opinions about this, as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable!! Please be kind, I'm struggling with a baby who won't sleep and I'm all over the place at the moment! Grin

So... I've become friends with a lady as our children are very close, she's so lovely and we've been arranging to meet up with our partners and kids. I always knew that this lady and my OH went to school together and "hung out" as a group of friends. This is why we have some common ground as we chat about stuff from when my OH was younger. (I didn't grow up in the same area as my other half)
I've been with my OH for 10 years now, and we had a conversation the other day as he's going on a stag do, about this lady and one of the guys and he said "the stag has probably shgged her when they were younger" we laughed it off and I said lightheartedly, "haha, you've not shgged her have ya Blush"
He went quiet and then said yes, I was still laughing thinking he was joking around, but he wasn't, I shrugged it off as it's not really any of my business, they were kids, we are in our thirties now. Anyway, I've reflected on it, and I do feel a little bit disrespected, I know 100% hands down if he became pally with somebody I'd ever slept with, out of respect I would just want to tell him, in case it ever came up, I wouldn't want him to feel like shit.
I genuinely don't care who he's slept with in his younger years before me. I'm not a jealous person at all, and I still want to be friends with this lady, however, what I do care about is him not respecting me enough to tell me, when I've been rambling on about this lady and arranging days out. I thought I knew everything about him with it being 10 years and 2 kids down the line.
Please can I have your thoughts?

Thanks so much Smile

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 27/05/2023 20:40

Tricky one. I get where you’re coming from, but I suppose he was trying not to make it awkward for you. Have a chat with him about it and see if you feel better. If you live in his home town, it might be worth having a broader conversation if you get what I mean (there could be others).

Moonlaserbearwolf · 27/05/2023 20:43

I see why you feel funny about it, but I don’t really think it’s a big deal. Your DH could have said something as soon as he knew you were friendly with this woman, but it was so long ago and it might just have made things awkward when they didn’t need to be.
As you now live in his hometown you might bump into other past girlfriends so could happen again?!

underneaththeash · 27/05/2023 20:43

That wouldn’t bother me at all! It was years ago.

OuchIStubbedMyBigToe · 27/05/2023 20:45

It honestly wouldn't bother me if everyone had obviously grown up and moved on

Irritateandunreasonable · 27/05/2023 20:47

It shouldn’t bother me but it would. I would feel really uncomfortable with us all hanging out together.

He probably could have told you in a more private setting and even though I would feel uncomfortable I’m also aware that this really isn’t a big deal - maybe that’s why he’s never mentioned it.

My bf knows I wouldn’t like this so I think that’s why he’d tell me, maybe he thought you wouldn’t care?

bibbityboppityboo · 27/05/2023 20:48

Honestly, I think your whole posts sounds as confused as you probably feel! To me, it's not a big deal. Most people have a history and unless he gave you a list of who to avoid when you first started dating, there's going to be people he's slept with just hanging about living their lives.

You're married, in your 30s and happy with children - it would have been much weirder if when you first met her he pulled you to one side and said "oh I've slept with her" surely? It came up naturally in conversation, he didn't lie about it and it's all old news it seems.

I personally don't think it is disrespectful, I think he was honest when asked but it's not information I'd expect to be volunteered randomly.

Callyem · 27/05/2023 20:49

The fact that they had slept together wouldn't bother me but I would have appreciated the heads up and not to be told its none of my business. I can see why you feel a bit put out.

Theroad · 27/05/2023 21:04

I would feel funny about that too. Almost like being deceived with both of them knowing and you innocently trying to get everyone together. He should have mentioned it but I guess I sort of understand why he wouldn't want to either, especially if it was just a one time thing.

YANBU to feel "off" about it but he might have been sparing your feelings - bit weird to have to tell your wife that you slept with her new friend.

Oysterbabe · 27/05/2023 21:10

I'm going to say yabu on the grounds that I have introduced DH to people I shagged in the distant past and didn't tell him. I feel like it might cause upset unnecessarily. I don't think you need to share everything about before you were together.

OliveWah · 27/05/2023 21:33

I understand why you feel the way you do, it's new information and colours how you see your new friend, but in your DH's shoes, when would have been a good time to tell you?

If it was when you first mentioned her, then you might think it odd that sleeping with her is the first thing that comes to his mind when he hears her name.

If he'd told you at the start, it may have put a dampener on the friendship. You may not have been willing to get to know her, so perhaps he knew this and was thinking it wasn't a big deal, it would be nice for you to have a new friend so why put a spanner in the works?

It sounds like he's told you the first time it's come up naturally, which I would say is probably the best case scenario, but I can totally understand why you'd feel a bit funny about it. It wouldn't stop me pursuing the friendship, although I would probably take the piss a bit and tell DH "I'm off for a drink with your ex tonight!", once I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about it!

JMSA · 27/05/2023 21:41

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You should have been told.

gillefc82 · 27/05/2023 21:44

Wouldn’t bother me it had happened, but would bother me that he has chosen to sit on the info and not say anything before now.

Certainly with me and my DH, we would both expect each other to reveal that kind of stuff at the earliest opportunity, as I’d hate to risk it being dropped in a conversation by someone else or even by the woman herself.

OlivePhone · 27/05/2023 22:06

Yeah, it was years ago but I’m not sure why you’d sit with the info

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